I’ve noticed that this question may still be hanging in your mind. Would you like some more guidance on this?

Let us know and we’ll rally.

When I was a non-believer, sex ruled my life and I thought it was awesome. I revolved my life around literally making sure I had dates and lots of great sex. The honest to God’s truth is that much of it was incredible; though much of it was terrible. I can tell you that I remember just about every woman I slept with and remember sleeping with them. My emotions with those women will always be there and they will always be sexual. This is the key issue that I talk to my kids about…I tell them that once you sleep with someone, you are with them for a lifetime. That person will forever see you naked in a compromising position. You will forever be a sexual picture in their mind. You will become an image to them instead of just a person. They remembeer the act and often not the emotion. When they are 75, if they run into you (if you are a guy) the first thing they are going to think about is having sex with you.

I also tell my kids that since both my wife and I had other relationships, there are people out there that look at us from a sexual position. I tell them that this is not the easiest thing to think of for either of us. I tell them that this is the path the Lord had us walk down, but they can walk down the path originally intended so when they get married, they can have a life time without looking back.

I will also say I find that alot of Christians have a pharisitical attitude towards virginity. I get a kick out of how some Christians put their virginity on a pedastal and think of themselves as super Christians (sound effects please). Sex before marriage is definitely a sin, but so isn’t lusting after a woman among other things. I find it interesting because when someone seems to succeed at one virtue, they tend to measure their life upon that virtue and compare themselves to others based upon their strength.

Therefore, I think we have to be careful about deifying virtues and looking down on others that perhaps do not have that virtue.

Fascinating line of argument.

So are you saying that as long as you’re not cheating, and as long as you’re in a meaningful relationship then sex is something God invites and blesses his people to participate in?

What about serial sex? For instance say my marriage dissolves and I get a divorce, and then I find myself in a series of meaningful relationships (all monogamous). Are you saying God blesses the sexual relationships I have as I move from man to man to man?

Curious about your view on this.

I’m honored you would trust us. Thank you for finding us a safe place.

That is one of the goals of Soulation, to create safe places.

I’ve tweeted up your response as a good example for others to see that the way we condemn others within the church will harm relationships and trust for decades.

I’m grateful for your good question and honest inquiry. Don’t hesitate to contact me personally to ask more.

Grace and joy,
Jonalyn

Thank you so much for your reply!

When my husband (then boyfriend) and I first started sleeping together, our current youth leader somehow got hold of this information by talking with friends of ours behind our back.

She then let us know she was aware of the situation, and basically ‘told us off’. Except it was all directed at me, not once did she speak with my husband/boyfriend. She basically told me we would go to hell if we did not repent of our sins and immediately stop what we were doing. She hardly offered support or guidance, but rather was judging and scolding.

We, but particularly I, felt very hurt and angry after this incident. Our youth leader, who should be a person of responsibility and trust, had gossiped behind our back and made a judgement on us, and then come to us with their judgements and criticisms. Although many years have now passed and we are now on OK terms with the youth leader in question, we still have some difficulties with ‘the church’ in general, and feel it can be a judging and hypocritical place. (The daughter of the youth leader has recently fallen pregnant before marriage). We often find it difficult to be able to talk through such things with christian’s we know, for fear of history repeating itself.

So it is such a relief to be able to receive advice and support such as yours, advice that we can think on and pray about, without fear of being judged or scolded.

So thank you!