What Makes Good Mothers?
I’m going to do something rather risky. Immediately before I give birth to our first son I going to get all philosophical and opinionated and public about what it means to be a good mother. In a few years (or a few months) I want to compare my B.C. (Before Children) ideas with my ideas after our son enters our lives. To see if things have drastically changed . . . or not.
Several years ago my therapist, a wonderful woman full of grace and truth, asked me about my ideas of parenting. If I had a child, what would I want to give to him (or her). This was back before I knew I’d become mother.
Many ideas flowed through my mind.
I want to give them a good education. I want them to know about the joy of reading. I want them to write well, to love art and travel and other people. I want them to get the lay of the land when it comes to career options and higher education options. I want them to be kind to animals, especially corgis. I want them to be musical and engaging and delighted with life. I want them to know Jesus’ love.
All great ideas, don’t you think? (Picture by Lord Frederick Leighton, “Mother and Child”) I certainly thought so as these are all things I value.
But how do you give all these to a child? I know mothers who work hard to make ideals like this possible, but can I really hang my good mothering on the success of inculcating all this to my child?
These plans and hopes forget a crucial ingredient in motherhood–the child’s ability to choose. These were outcomes I’d like to see, but not realities I could offer. For instance, I could give my child a reason to love God, but I could not make them love God as I did.
I don’t like setting myself up for a situation where my plans could be easily thwarted. Isn’t it possible that our child would not want to love Jesus? What if they didn’t like vegetables or thinking or reading? What if our kid didn’t care about education or stewardship of the earth? What if our child preferred Sartre to Augustine?
If my child grew up to be very different from me, would I think I had failed as a mother? Would the goodness of my mothering depend on the outcome of his life?
I ended up telling my therapist, “I want to give them a home that is open and accepting. I want to give them the freedom to be themselves.”
And now as I live and move with a 8 + lb baby inside, I’ve been thinking about my words to her over five years ago. I think this is how I will judge myself as a good mother.
I don’t have expectations that our son will be great, nor that he will want to follow in our footsteps. That would delight me, but I’m not depending on it.
He may not want anything to do with soul formation, or philosophy, or women’s unique souls, or equality between the sexes, or our work at Soulation. He may become a hard-nosed patriarchalist or a snobby, narrow-minded Republican–both equally horrific in my mind at the moment.
But these are all possibilities. He can choose.
Can I open myself up to the son God has given us and not require that my son become all that I intend for him?
If so, then I believe I can be a good mother.
I believe wanting to know your child as a unique person is enough to make a mother good. Not the triangle-shaped toasted cheese sandwiches on rainy afternoons, not the private piano lessons, not the full-time care and attention at home, not breast-feeding nor carefully constructed ants on a log (celery stick slathered in peanut butter with raisins on top) or knowing the best technique for clipping fingernails. Though, before anyone starts throwing tomatoes, I do intend to do most of these things.
But I think I could be a good mother even if I sent my child to day care.
Gasp!
I know, I know. The reason being, though, that I’ve spoken with children who come from day care childhoods and it’s not day care, per se, that embitters or harms them. It’s the meaning behind their parent’s actions. Why were they sent to day care?
If they have gripes about their childhood it’s about their parents love or lack thereof. It’s their parents failure to know them that harms them. Day care situations can be as much about a parent knowing their child wants social interaction from a young age as it can be about selfish mommas who want careers more than kids.
I want to find out what is important to my child, to serve him by being attentive to those things in his life. That’s the great risk in opening my life to a child… what he will need may not be what I want him to need. Nor will it, probably, be convenient. It’s so easy to assume that since a child is younger and more pliable that they should always fit around me and my plans.
But if, for instance, our son hates day care, then I want to honor and listen to his needs. If he prefers day care, then I also want to honor that. Of course, that means my number one priority will be to foster a home where his opinions matter, where his ideas are sought.
This does not, I want to be clear, mean our son will be king.
I don’t intend to watch him run all our lives by the whims of his little broken soul any more than I tolerate Dale running my life by the whims of his brokenness or he lets me run his life by my brokenness.
Just yesterday he brought up how I had snapped his head off three different times.
“I can’t tell if it’s just pregnancy frustration bubbling up in you, or if I’m really as out of line as you said,” he told me.
I took his words to heart. “I think I would have been more patient in all these situations if my body weren’t so uncomfortable right now.” I explained. I also apologized for being unkind.
I pray that God would save me from running my family out of a controlling spirit masquerading in my life as a love for order. In the same ways I pray that God would save us from my husband running the family out of his procrastination masquerading as wanting to live in the moment.
I don’t want to be queen (well not on my good days 
) and Dale does not want to be king of this family. We don’t want a parent-centered family any more than we want a child-directed family. I pray we will all submit to God and each other, offering the high courtesy of heaven to each other. We run our marriage without a human final decision-maker/authority because we believe Jesus heads our family. We, as husband and wife, work as a united organism. I want our son to see the way a husband and wife can lean on each other, dependent on one another for life, as interdependent as our physical head and body.
I want to notice and value my son as a person. For buried within the unique combination of Dale and me in his DNA is a one-of-a-kind soul that I am excited to get to know.
As Dale put it in a recent Soulation Seasonal. We feel we’re inviting a friend over to live with us for 18 + years.
We received several concerned emails after we posted this idea.
“Don’t expect to be friends with your children!”
and
“You know you’ll have to be the ‘bad guys’ with your kid, too, right?!”
I think these kindly intended comments missed our point. We do not expect our child to like us all the time, or even lots of the time. Nor do we expect that we will always enjoy him. We are, rather, beginning to cultivate a desire to know our child as a person, a human creation that reflects God, that is worth us taking time to study and love. We want to become scholars of our son.
This might or might not involve the stereotypical ways of being a good momma. I won’t know until I know him.
In high school and most of college, I was convinced that the best way I could impact this world was to raise a brood (about 12) children to love God. I wanted to have kids to mold them into obedient servants of Christianity.
While I will be sharing my love for Jesus with our son, and while I want him to know Jesus, I do not see having a child as a chance to make soldiers of the cross. Not anymore. I’m not having children to continue my legacy. I’m having a child because God asked us to be open to children and then gave us a son.
If I can succeed in knowing and loving him without expecting him carbon copy Dale or me, I will count myself a good mother. The rest is gravy.
I look forward to you peppering me with your comments. All of us have mothers and we all have ideas. What is key to being a good mother?
February 19th, 2010 at 11:22 am
This is beautiful Jonalyn! What an exciting journey it is! Your thoughts have challenged me! I think it is sad that some people think they cannot have authority and be friends with their children at the same time. ( As I type this my son peeked through the crack of the computer table door and whispered, “Mommy, I love you.”) It is so fun to get to know them for who they are and learn how to best discipline, love, and interact with them!
February 19th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Jonalyn ~ I LOVE your ideas and can honestly say that I wholeheartedly agree. You and Dale are going to be wonderful parents – of course, this does not mean perfect. No-one is a perfect parent, nor is this even something to be striven for, as “perfect” parenting has its own consequences – but wonderful parents you will be as you get to “know” and “study” your son, continuously offering him the example of Christ within and outside of your home.
I wish you all the best as you prepare for the amazing entry of your son into this world, and I will be praying for many special moments between the three of you. Many blessings!
Grace and peace,
Jenn
February 19th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Great Jonalyn thoughts! I am really contemplating this concept because having a three and a half year old has made me REALLY question my parenting!! I’ve seen the worst of myself (impatient, selfish, quick to anger, loud) and the best of myself (strong, funny, nurturing, engaged) in parenting.
I’ve come to a the realization that although my short comings as a parent are plentiful, I LOVE my son. I want him to be who he is meant to be! If I can keep this in focus then hopefully he will turn out alright. He may need counseling but he’ll be alright.
February 19th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Dear Friend,
Loved, loved, loved reading this!!! I think you will be a GREAT mother! One of the things I appreciate about you is your pre-thoughtfulness about the pending path before you. Did even occur to me to think? Perhaps I did, I just didn’t have a blog to put my thoughts on. I believe that it has been by the grace of God in so very many ways, praying for and requesting others to pray for wisdom, a great mother (mine) who came along side me in journey (and by the way… we shared friendship, that was one of her goals in mothering, to see the relationship morph from parent to friend as we grew) along with my convictions, experiences and speaking into teachable moments of motherhood, and a willingess to learn from my kids that have blessed the motherhood that I am experiencing. We, parents and children are in it together, expressing our uniqueness…and our brokeness, forgiving each other, helping each other, releasing one another to be who God created us to be in the full life he wants us to experience. Thank you for sharing your journey, your words inspire us who are still on it ~ does it ever end?
February 19th, 2010 at 11:48 am
“It’s the meaning behind their parent’s actions. Why were they sent to day care?
If they have gripes about their childhood it’s about their parents love or lack thereof. It’s their parents failure to know them that harms them.”
This really rang true with me. Children can have a stay-at-home Mom like I did, and still feel not known or loved.
“We don’t want a parent-centered family any more than we want a child-directed family. [...] I want to notice and value my son as a person.”
That is what makes me believe you will wonderful parents. I really appreciate your thoughts, Jonalyn! Praying for you both.
February 19th, 2010 at 11:53 am
A mom who puts God before herself, husband and children. A mom who puts her husband after God and then her children next. A mom who is willing to forget that there is a mess in the house when her baby needs her and is willing to understand when things get broken or scribbled on. A mom who is patient with her babies and knows that they are learning and it is ok sometimes to make mistakes. A mom who will listen to all the advice given her but then use what SHE knows is best for her baby.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
“What if our child preferred Sartre to Augustine?”
Oh God please, no! Hehe.
I’m just glad that I’m not a compatibilist. It seems to me that on compatibilism one could, theoretically, make his or her child become a certain type of person.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
These are some pre-fatherhood thoughts on fatherhood to add as addendum:
I’m glad you put these ideas down, Jonalyn… it will be a great comparison as time goes by. Lots of good points from many, many conversations.
Neither child-centered nor parent-centered… so important. And if parenting is anything like marriage advice we’ve heard, a lot of the conservative, conventional anecdotal “wisdom” of parenthood will likely fail like a pinata struck by a the stick of real life. It isn’t that anyone is poorly intended, but that after a while you grow suspicious of sources that seem so often to cry wolf.
If Mike Mason can write one of the best reflective books on marriage before he was even married, I think the same can be true of parenthood, if we take the time to sit, ponder, and observe how God made things to be. The first thing a kid needs is a parent intent on his/her own spiritual and emotional health. And that you cannot learn in a quick-tip magazine. It’s a lifestyle of learning the ways of Jesus and the tutelage of the Spirit.
I think people can do motherhood and fatherhood the same way they do Christianity: baptize the “rules” set up by straining bible verses through the predetermined keyhole of a culture, and call it “godly.” All the while missing the mystery God put into the world of love and relationship, custom-fitting our walk and path with Him. Yes, I see parenting as a kind of religion these days, many trying to find their own salvation in the success of it.
I’ve heard of parents saying they want God to take their child before the “age of accountability” if the child would not eventually follow Jesus. Not only is this theologically bizarre, but it’s a sad commentary to think that our lives are worth little more than the creeds we hold or the public reputations we make of our parents.
For my own part, if my son cannot feel free to be his whole human self, following his own conscience, then I have failed. I’ve no expectation of him being creative, kind, or “Christian.” He’s a fellow pilgrim in life’s passage and that’s the place God has carved out for him by giving him existence. Damned would I be to deify myself by pretending to control another’s path.
February 19th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
I think you are sooooo right about not expecting our kids to be just like us. It is so fun to learn and embrace each childs unique strengths. The last 2 paragraphs surprised me though. My deepest desire is to raise 3 young men that LOVE GOD! That to me is the ultimate. For them to follow God and be used by God! It doesn’t matter to me what career they choose or what their likes and dislikes are. They are individuals and all 3 will probably end up very different. However my heart aches and cries out to God for their souls. Of course I will always love our children no matter what. I will fight for their souls!
February 19th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
I like it. It seems like a pretty balanced, healthy perspective of being a good Mommy. I will add that this is a constant, fluid, goal that requires as you said continual submission to God’s guidance especially as being a “student or your son” becomes & sibling etc. You’ll do well. I think that for you, if anything changes after birdie arrives it’ll only be how you perceive the practical application of your goals as a good mommy. Thanks for sharing. I’ll have Erin read it as well. Blessings! I hope to meet you & Dale again with your sweet son.
February 19th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I am not a mother. I am a teacher. What you’ve said sounds like a good plan for good mothering to me.
February 19th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I think you eloquently touched several important aspects of what it means to be a good mother, but the points I resonate with most are the qualities of wonder and openness. There is a sense of wonder you have as a mother–wonder about this person, who they are, who they will be, what their interests and desires will be, what they loved most about their day, what they loved least about their day. Maintaining this sense of wonder on a daily basis–even amidst the whirl of daily obligations and diapers and duties–is a wonderful quality for a mother to have.
I also think the quality of openness is important as well, and is illustrated in Proverbs 22:6, an often misunderstood verse. Translated today, it reads, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” It reads, and has often been preached, as if we are to train and discipline our children and then when they are older they will respect us for it. However, that is not what the Hebrew is implying. A better interpretation is “Train up a child in their way, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.” Meaning, our task as parents is to discover the natural personality and bents and talents of our children and raise them in accordance with those God-given bents.
I hope that my daughter will rather read books than be a cheerleader, but I must be open to the possibility that she will want nothing to do with spiritual formation or theology or classical literature and wants nothing other than to be a cheerleader. I hope that my daughter loves Jesus as I do, but that cannot be guaranteed. My best is to exemplify a life of love and service to her and demonstrate God’s love to her everyday. Forcing the issue would probably guarantee rebellion.
So, in essence, I think the qualities of wonder and openness, as well as just being fully present with your child are the best qualities for mothers (and fathers).
February 19th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Dearest Jonalyn
I am inspired and proud of the person you are becoming…I am sure, more than anything else, that your new adventure will have some spills and stumbles, but that it will be marvelous. I can’t wait to hear about your opinion on these issues in 5 years.
Best wishes in the first few weeks and months of you and Dale’s new adventure!
February 19th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Beautiful Jonalyn. You guys are going to be quite a family! Feel blessed to be able to be a part of it, even if just from afar
February 20th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Love it!!! My main goal in parenting these past three years has been that my kids will KNOW that they are unconditionally loved…that Clay and I would parent them in such a way that they would be able to understand and receive our love, to be living pictures of Jesus to them, and hopefully that will lead them to Him. (most of which is actually His job!)\ I think the things you wrote are really good ways for parents to communicate that to their children. I recently read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, and while I don’t agree with all of his conclusions in the daily practicalities of parenting, I really love his main point… that most parents unconditionally love their children and want them to know that, but much of the time the children aren’t receiving that message. The parents’ actions through discipline methods and means of communication simply aren’t getting across that message, and it often takes some serious intentionality to figure out ways to show our kids love in ways that they’ll understand and will be real to them. I think accepting them as they are like you said is crucial to this. I more recently read the book Loving Our Kids on Purpose, and I really liked most of it…this one is a Christian book that spoke of the same freedom that we should give our kids to be themselves and not try to control their behavior…and some practical tips of interacting with them and teaching them while maintaining respect for their freedom as an individual. (kind of a rare thing in the world of Christian parenting literature) I’ve found that parenting does take a good dose of learning and studying….depending on what kind of baby/kid you have. But most important, is what you already have, a great foundation of perspective for how you’re going to approach this whole thing and a desire to know and understand your child as an individual and give him the things that HE needs, not what other kids and other families need. Each kid is unique and need different things, and it’s great that you’re already approaching parenthood with a basic respect for his individuality and are willing to offer give and take in your parenting/family in order to respect that and give him what he needs. The journey is often a bumpy one in motherhood, but SO worth it, and I can’t wait to read more of what you and Dale are learning as you transition into parenthood. (there are plenty of moms in the blogsphere with 12 kids raising them as soldiers of the cross….I’m excited that you can have a different kind of voice on the subject, can’t wait!!!) Congratulations, you guys!!! Hope you have a wonderful birth!
February 20th, 2010 at 11:40 am
There are no great parents. They don’t exist in an objective sense. There are “good enough” parents, and so you will be.
I think there is something to the actual experience of family, versus the thoughts we have beforehand. That is, there is some merit to parents who claim “just wait until you become a parent! Your little ideas are beautiful in the abstract, but they will be laid to waste by an infant!”
On the other hand, this stream of thought usually comes from the domain of spiritual graduationism. That is, they see marriage and, successively, children as advancement in the Kingdom of God. These are the same individuals who have a quiet disdain for singles and look at motherless children with pity. Bollocks!
February 20th, 2010 at 11:52 am
I love reading your posts! They are uplifting, make me think, and give me a glimpse of your life in which I am appreciative for, as other are, I’m sure.
I am excited to see you and Dale grow in your parenthood as you get to know your son. Your post on motherhood intrigues me. I do not know many people who openly contemplate the wonder of a human life as you and Dale do. You two have always been people I look up to. As I continue to read more of your thoughts from blog posts, Soulation articles, and answers to my seemingly never-ending questions (lol) I continue to look up to you, as Aristotle before Plato. I am very happy for you! You will be GREAT parents!
Dale,
“Damned would I be to deify myself by pretending to control another’s path.” I think that this is something some parents try to do, control their children’s path instead of embracing and trying to connect with their children. Learning how to get to know them as the individuals they are and help grow them in their uniqueness to be the person they will become.
Again, you guys will be great parents and if I haven’t said so already, congratulations my friends!
February 20th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
*edit* above: childless women, not motherless children
February 20th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
I agree with you that our highest calling as parents is to study and know our children well.
The famous parenting verse in Proverbs 22:6, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”, suggests exactly that. The way each child should go is a specific and unique path that is God-given for every individual and as parents we are called to help them realize who they are the way God created them so they could choose well. The choice is theirs and it is essential that they make it for themselves.
I have two sons and I find them fascinating. I see how they are “our” children but still unique and different. I make mental notes (I should probably write these down as time goes by) about what they like, what they’re good at, what’s easy and what’s hard. My older son’s attraction to everything mathematical is hard to miss, if it’s not shapes, numbers, counting or adding he’s not really interested. I’m sure some of these early “likes” will turn out to be parts of their “ways they should go”.
A good, well rounded and balanced book on parenting that I recommend without disclaimers is “Grace-based parenting” by Tim Kimmel. One of the main points of the book is that we as Christians should never sacrifice our children’s uniqueness for the sake of “Christian uniformity” or in other words, don’t ever let other people’s legalism kill your child’s spirit.
I’m looking forward to more of your musings on parenting after you meet your son because it’s only then that you will start discovering what kind of a mother God made you to be.
February 21st, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Here’s a great example for why the rest is just gravy. Read NY Post’s “Manhattan moms war over strollers vs. slings” . Favorite line: “People are too judgmental of other people’s parenting system. There’s too many controversies. I feel like life is complicated enough.”
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I do like what Dr Dobson says about parenting through the early years.
The child should know two things by their third birthday: (1) you (the parents) love him unconditionally, and (2) you (the parents) are in charge.
Both give the child security on several levels.
Articulate blog, Jonalyn. Fun stuff, too.
And now, I’m off to read some Berenstain Bears books to my son! 
(This is the gravy part, btw!)
February 24th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Want to see some photos that explore the contradictions of motherhood? Visit: Art and Motherhood blog You won’t be disappointed, you will be made to think.
February 26th, 2010 at 8:13 am
Thank you all for the book suggestions, insight and feedback!
This has been an encouraging read (and week) for me. Due date came yesterday and went, and still not baby. But I did get a great snowshoe in
Halee and Sandra,
Another way to read Proverbs 22:6 (or any Proverb for that matter) is as probability. Just like “a gentle answer turns away wrath” while usually true doesn’t work 100% of the time.
In the same way, we can raise up a child in their path (according to their unique bent), or to love God, but this doesn’t work 100% of the time. I think a case can be made for either interpretation.
I love the idea that the qualities of wonder, learning are valuable in all relationships and therefore valuable between parents and children. I hope my son is willing to be a scholar of me, too.
February 26th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Alisa,
I think this idea of being a scholar of our children goes even beyond allowing our children to be different from us.
We often tell parents we speak to on the road that a child is not really free to own their faith unless they are free to disown their faith. The longing to know that your child loves God is something I share with you, however, unless your child knows he can count on your love even while fully rebelling against God, our love is conditional.
The love of the father in the parable of the lost son (aka parable of the lost son) is a great picture of how I want to love, without conditions. I’ve seen too many parents express what they call “disappointment” upon their children for not following God and the children end up with an obligatory (or worse) a false faith.
There is nothing so powerful and in the end an enemy to love as fear of disappointing a parent. For perfect love casts out all fear.
I’d imagine your sons feel loved and valued by you as you fight for their souls. My, somewhat controversial, question is do they feel loved and valued even if they reject God. Is that a viable option for them? Can they reject God and still to receive your love because they are your sons, made in God’s image?
I think it’s a question for all for all of us.
Thoughts?
Jonalyn
March 5th, 2010 at 4:35 am
I think my biggest most important thought to add to this discussion is that my children are not my enemy. I do not want to engage them in a battle. I do not want to view them as adversaries. I want to build a relationship with them from when they are infants, where we are close and they trust me. Trust me that what I tell them is in their best interest. Always treat them with respect and dignity that I am treated as a fully grown human. Respect their otherness. To strive to not use punitive things because their behaviours are inconveniencing me, and using punitive thing seems like a “quick fix”. to remember that children learn through repetition, and yes you will find yourself saying the same thing over and over, but one day they WILL stop what it is and they WILL outgrow it. and remember yourself how many times God has to tell you something, until one day it just clicks and you get it in a way that you never have before. and that in the end, by respecting their otherness they will at the very least respect your values if they find themselves with different ones.
May 24th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Candice,
I love what you wrote about gaining the trust of your child. This is not a guarantee, is it?!
Thank you for sharing your desires to value their otherness, what a good goal for all of us.