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3-2-10 – Part 5 – Laboring God
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10
Near to noon, I heard that the doctor was on her way. That fact alone gave me strength for another ½ hour. If Leslie was coming I couldn’t be 24 hours away from delivery, right?
I rocked back and forth, noticing small, silly things. I noticed that my pedicure was getting soaked off, that I was much more limber in the water, that the pillow under my head was getting soaked, that the bump in the bathtub was contoured with grooves for laying one directions, but not for laboring women who like to move around a lot. (Afterwards, Dale would tell me that as he watched me maneuver my body around the tub, “This tub was so poorly designed!”)
As I felt another contraction seize my body, I would put my head down on the tub’s side and rock it back and forth on a pillow, asking for the green hill, for that little lamb. I kept trying to remember to breathe and not groan. The order of the contractions gave me some sense of control as well as deep respect.
In retrospect I think it was miraculous that I opened up to the pain. I think it helped me to remember that there would be an end, even if the rests only felt like 10 seconds. I light-speeded myself into relaxation as soon as I could, I tried to relax fully between the contractions, but I also knew I had to relax because the next contractions would be coming, and, as surely as the dawn, it would be worse.
Proserpine came in periodically and put her hand on the waterproof baby monitor that sat low on my abdomen. She would push on it to see if our baby’s heart continued pumping. Hearing my baby’s heart pumping steadily gave me strength to keep breathing and not give into the desire to clench my body as another contraction surged into me. I know some women prefer to make noise in labor. I think the freedom to make as much noise as you need would be another way each baby, each labor is customized to each women.
For me, keeping silent helped me focus more.
A couple of times I couldn’t breathe into the pain and felt my shoulders lift and tighten, my breath became shallow and then the intense vise grip on my belly surged up into my heart, my lungs, my neck. It felt unbearable.
Linda would put her hand on my shoulders and say, “Let these contractions work for your baby. You and your baby working together. You let him kick himself down. Breathe for him, Jonalyn, breathe.”
When I breathed, the pain didn’t go away, but I felt the pain become more productive. I could feel the baby kicking sometimes. Linda would say, “You’re doing so good, Jonalyn.”
The time in the tub must have been peaceful-ish for Dale and Linda because while I rested between I heard them chatting very calmly. It was interesting to listen, though I felt like I was on another planet observing through a long tunnel. My reality felt so separate from the world they lived in. Dale even said he dozed off a couple of times.
One phrase from Jesus helped me above all others. The time Jesus confuses and opens up Nicodemus’ mind with this phrase, “You must be born again to see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3).
During labor, I felt like I saw the kingdom crystal clear. I remember thanking God for working for me as I was working for Finn. I remember crying with gratitude that God works new life in me with this intensity (John 15:5), that the Spirit groans for me (Romans 8:26), that Jesus labors to give me spiritual abundance and whole life (John 10:10).
I felt the companionship of the Trinity in that tub. God in three persons gave fuller meaning to my labor for Finn. Even in the agony, I felt the fellowship of suffering, the kind Paul writes about in Philippians 3:10. Because I knew Jesus had chosen the birthing metaphor, I felt no bitterness at the judgment in Genesis.
Yes, God had judged women to have greatly increased pain in childbearing (Genesis 3:16). But God experiences his own type of labor pains every time he works new spiritual life in us. He knew what I was enduring.
Read Part 6 “Pushing up a 14,000 ft Mountain”
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10
April 7th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
I love your story. Thanks so much for reminding us that Mary, too, labored for Jesus and also that God labors for us. What a beautiful reminder.
April 8th, 2010 at 9:41 am
This part brought me to tears, and I can’t wait for you to post again! My husband and I are due with our first child May 22 and, barring any complications, planning an intervention-free waterbirth at our hospital’s birth center. Your story gives me hope for a dignity and grace that is lacking in so many birth stories. Thank you so much for sharing and for inspiring me to start to frame my upcoming experience in terms of how God has labored for me. You have given me much to think about!
April 8th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
How priceless this was! I was deeply touched reading this,what a great God we serve! Seems like He was very present with you, im in much awe:)