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Flat – Pre and Post Pregnancy Body
My friend, Emily, cuts my hair at Off 7th Studio, Steamboat Springs. She and I were pregnant together and talk
ed a lot about every stage and hope and fear. We worried together if pregnancy would turn us into women we wouldn’t recognize. Would we really fall head-over-heels in love with our babies? Would we recognize if our baby wasn’t really all that cute? Would our baby boys create an amnesia in us that would eclipse our love for the work we loved so much now? Would our bodies every look the same?
We didn’t need to worry quite so much. We got together this week as I’ve decided it’s time to grow out my faux hawk. We sighed in relief about some things; Emily still cuts hair and I still write and speak.
This week we talked about our mommy belly bulge. We both have lots of dissatisfaction to g
o around.
For several months since Finn’s birth I’ve been wondering if I”ll look as good as my friend, Stephanie, after she had her first. Will I get my waist back like she did? Will my stomach ever feel firm?
The Time Factor
Emily tells me how she’ll open up magazine articles that promise five easy steps for getting your body back or losing your mommy tummy. These usually feature a glowing, flat-tummied model or celebrity. For an example watch this short Today Show clip, “Getting Your Sexy Back.“ Reading along the fashion mag columns Emily finds the crucial difference between us and them, LEISURE TIME.
“If I had that much free time, or a nanny, or a personal trainer,” exclaims Em, “I’d look that good, too!”
Emily, like me, is a working mom who does not enjoy the benefits of childcare. Her husband holds and feeds and loves their son, Sawyer, when she works. Sometimes a friend or family members will help out, but these are unusual times. Emily covers nighttime feedings and the morning shift until she leaves for work where she stands on her feet for eight hours at a stretch making the women of Steamboat beautiful.
When is she going to work out and get rid of her mommy bulge? Us lowly, non-celebrity types whose job is not to look good, wake-up for 2am feedings, spend our work-out energy on our babies and our bodies look like, well, like we once carried a baby inside. When are we supposed to get our old body back?
I haven’t allowed myself the rigor of toning or monitoring my body’s calorie intake. I have not worked on achieving that flat tummy look. Well, that’s not entirely true. My fire-fighting in training sister, Jessi (read her raw and exciting blog here), did give me a super challenging five minute workout that focuses completely on abs. I tried to do it every day at least once (Jessi recommends three times a day). To date, I’ve never been able to rep more than one day in a row.
Here’s a picture of me and Dale three months after Finn’s birth. 
Notice, I’m wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes, but that my abdomen is not the same as before Finn arrived. I’m NOT posting this to get encouragement that I look great, or to hear you tell me to be more patient or I have nothing to complain about.
I’m posting it to note and admit, to be bold and own my body’s difference.
I can’t jog because the very idea sends me up the stairs looking for a nap. Even reading the word “jog” makes my eyes heavy. How is running even possibly after a rough night with Finn? For a snapshot into one of my more rough nights (this happened this week): Finn went down at 11pm. I was up at midnight, 2:45am and 6:45am with him. The 2:45 waking lasted 1 1/2 hours. I slept a total of six hours, all in two hours shots. (btw, I’m not interested in hearing sleeping advice at this time, only lots of sympathetic encouragement =) for those concerned yes, it is getting better!)
Jogging is not an option right now, nor is eating less because I want to breast-feed Finn. And he eats a LOT.
Dale and I have begun evening walks and with Finn in the carrier (half of the time I carry), I feel amazed and impressed with what my little legs can do.
Our bodies are working, a lot, but we don’t look as flat as the celebrities.
“It’s hard!” Emily says and we co-commiserate about people in our lives who make rude comments about our bodies. We remember the bodies we used to have.
Sometimes, I think Emily is more honest than I. That’s why I like her.
FALLING FLAT
Flat tummies are beginning to fall flat on me.
I’m the type of girl who’d rather analyze my view of what is beautiful and change that, rather than change my own look. I don’t think it’s because I’m lazy or want an “out” to avoid getting in shape; I think it’s because I’m a philosopher who really cares about soul formation.
And as I think about my tummy, I think about other abdomens that housed humans. 
Eve’s belly, the one artists like to paint more rounded than flat. The womb of Mary, the mother of God, Elizabeth, her cousin, who was pregnant with the kicking, spirit-filled boy we know as John the Baptizer. Have you ever noticed how male artists capture these Biblical women’s bellies? They’re often shown with rounded bellies, even after birth. Take this one of Eve, she’s not afraid to bare her pre-baby pooch. I 
don’t think Mary got absorbed into Fit Pregnancy’s article to find out how to fit into her skinny jeans . . . errr robe.
Even an artist as modern as Edvard Munch did well to paint this nude of Mary with a respectably rounded, sensuous belly. I like that rendering of this young mother.
The anxiety I feel to “get my pre-pregnancy body back” wasn’t something Mary navigated each day. I don’t think Mary would have believed the belly bulge comments about her post-Jesus body. I can’t imagine her referring disparagingly to her pooch as a “pooch.”
I used to be able to lay my forearm flat against my stomach, a flat bridge linking two hip bones, My abdomen used to be a flat plane between my hips. Now I lay my arm against my abdomen and I must curve my wrist, cradling the space that Finn called home. It’s a gesture of nurture or protection, not a measuring stick.
I could keep cradling the space that made room for Finn.
In the good times (read well-rested), in the moments when I awaken after Finn has graced me with a full night’s rest, I value my post-Finn body. I don’t want my flat tummy back because that tummy never stretched to accommodate my son.
Competing Against Myself
My photography friend, Savannah, once said, “I find myself constantly referencing my mom friends with their pre-baby bodies. It feels like in this modern day, where so much focus is on the young childless woman, that the woman who has born children is looked down upon and can never return to the ranks of the barren bodies. You bear a child, you are hereby cast out of the class of small hips, tight stomachs, perky boobs never to return again so don’t bother to believe that your bodies new shape can be attractive.”
Honestly, I think that’s the issue, we moms are afraid we’re not attractive anymore. I remember looking at my friend’s post-baby bodies and wondering if they wanted their old bodies back, had they given up? was it too difficult? Would I be the same?
There’s a Saturday Day Night Live sketch that haunts me. But when I watch it I always laugh. My favorite line, “I’m not a person, I’m a mom!” View it here.
Frankly, there are things about my body that aren’t as attractive. But I now know I don”t have to sign up to become a quirky, scary, unaware mom. I don’t have to wear those jeans, for instance.
Savannah and I discussed a photograph at the blog Art and Motherhood, that has us wondering about our own feelings about pregnancy. 
The caption below it reads, “Is this sexy?” I struggled with two things as I look at this picture.
The first over trying to reconcile why we have to find stretch marks sexy? Can’t we value the sacrifice without feeling like we have to lie? Savannah said she’d rather re-title it, “Is this Attractive?” Another idea would be “Can You See My Child?”
The picture feels vaguely competitive in a way I don’t like, even forcing this woman to compete with her pre-pregnant body. Aren’t our lives competitive with other women’s bodies that we don’t have to compete with earlier versions of ourselves, too?
As I watch my body change, not necessarily back to what I looked like before, I am amazed. Perhaps, maybe Ieven hope to bear a few scars from this time.. it really was too monumental to want my body to look like it did pre-June 2009.
The second part that I struggle with is how the photo seems to imply that we cannot call stretch marks ugly, the sagging parts “unsexy” without feeling like we’re betraying moms, motherhood or our children. Why don’t we have the freedom to just call it like it is? Honestly, if I saw a woman with these scars, I would not call them attractive. They are something else, powerful, dignifying, amazing. But let’s not fool ourselves and call them sexy.
Savannah has continued this thought and pushed further by adding two more images.
Check her blog out for more.
A Good Shape
It’s easy for me to feel apprehensive of how my body looks NOW. Aside: yes, I do realize I’m very lucky to have a body that fairly easily got fairly close to what it used to be–I write this because I can already hear some of you thinking, “Sheesh, if my body looked like hers, I would NOT be complaining!” My point, however, is that after pregnancy, ALL of us face things that are NOT THE SAME about our bodies, and whether these look glaring or imperceptible to others, they matter to us, when we face ourselves in the mirror.
Several years ago my chiropractor in Los Angeles tried to assuage my sadness over my miscarriage by saying pregnancy, “Ruins a good shape.”
I thought about that for awhile, even talked about it with Dale. It offered paltry comfort for the longing I had to GET a belly, to be pregnant at the time. But it raises a good question, what is a good shape?
A mother of three children and good friend once gave me a picture without a corner. When I asked her about the missing piece, she told us that she cut off the part that had her in it. She hated how she looked particularly her stomach and she was embarrassed. Maybe it was a bad angle, maybe she really looked unattractive, but I’ll never know as I didn’t see the picture.
In real life, my friend was a lovely woman. She had a stomach much like my own. She didn’t think her shape was good enough for viewing. I get that feeling.
On my desk there’s an invitation for a baby shower with a silhouette of a woman very, very pregnant. She has her hands on the small of her back, pushing the large belly curve out even farther. The artist obviously thought the huge belly was a good shape.
Last week I told a friend at the pool that I don’t have my body back, yet. “But you’re so thin!” she said. She’s right, I have lost a lot of weight.
“Thanks,” I told her, “But I’m not strong, yet. If I can feel strong and still look like this I THINK I’ll be able to accept my body for where it’s at.”
Yesterday I planned to meet Dale for a surprise along the road. Since we live on the side of a mountain I knew that I could handle the walk downhill to meet him. He could drive me, Finn and the three corgis back up the hill. I drank a little water and grabbed two handfuls of trail mix, excited to surprise him and share lunch together and set out.
I left at 12:10pm, Dale had said he planned to be home around noon. I walked out of the house with Finn on my back (in the Beco carrier) and no sunshade, no sunscreen, no water, no watch and no cell phone (this is because Dale was carrying the one we own). I walked for about 20 minutes before I switched the sleeping Finn to my front side. I knew he’d get sunburned if I didn’t shade him with my arms. I walked downhill for another 20 minutes before I thought it might be possible that my husband wasn’t coming home when I expected.
By this time, I was near to the busy road and with our corgis leash-less I knew I couldn’t walk it without chaos. So I waited in the shade of a kind aspen for about 15 minutes. The corgis were bushed. I was fairly hot and tired.
I couldn’t imagine walking up the hill all the way home.
Slowly I realized I would have to.
It was painful and slow going. I rested a lot in every shady spot I could find, the corgis rested too as the sun was beating down.
Every car I heard made my heart leap. Dale never showed. Once home I found out he had called me and told me he was catching lunch in town. The last few steps up the driveway, I heard the truck’s diesel engine. I marched, my shirt and Finn’s carrier a sweaty mess, straight into the house, too tired to wait for him. I headed inside and amazed myself by two things: not getting angry and the next morning, not being sore.
So it’s true, my body is in good shape; it’s strong again (after losing so much strength in postpartum hemorrhaging and the D and C). My body once again has the power to re-shape reality, to climb and hike. It would even be accurate to say that my body is the right shape to carry me farther than I think possible.
Three D
My friend (and family and marriage counselor), Robin Moore, often asks her clients, “Is your body meant to serve YOU or are you serving your body?” She also encourages self-talk that involves telling our bodies “thank you” for things other than appearance. She calls this a 3-d approach to our bodies rather than 2-d. As she puts it,
“I want to rebel against my self-image being defined by how I look in 2-d pictures. I actually think facebook is helping our culture, because people are less in control of pictures of themselves and are getting desensitized to less-than-portrait quality photos. They learn to live in 3-D. Not allowing the 2-D pictures of ourselves to limit their/our value.”
So my dear body, I thank you.
- thank you for having power to hike up steep mountains in the sun with Finn on your back.
- thank you for having the will and desire to make love, even after a night of little rest.
- thank you for supplying food for a 20 lb baby, day in, day out, night in, night out.
- thank you for making your arms strong to garden and pick up stocky, wriggly corgis and hug your husband tightly.
Before, Pregnant, Now
I look at these pictures and feel proud of what I’ve gone through. Thank you, sweet body, for still standing so strong. I don’t want to erase all the marks of change. Finn is part of that change, so I thank you for those marks, they mean something to me.
And you know, every rare day I get a 
compliment that I treasure, like the unexpected one I got last weekend as I was eating chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with our Soulation Retreaters.
I had just said offhand to another mother, “This certainly won’t help me get my tummy back in shape!”
A good friend and artist who was attending the retreat looked up and asked, raising his voice above the music, “What did you say?” He walked closer 
to hear me.
“I said, ‘I’m going to enjoy this even though it won’t help me get my shape back.” I grinned and took a gleeful spoonful.
He stopped eating and looked at me critically, “Jonalyn, your shape is better now than it’s ever been.”
That had me stop and look dubiously at him. He nodded, and said, “You’re not as skinny!”
I still love my body. I can’t call it flat tummied anymore, but I’ve found another word, a good word: shapely. I still have a good shape, it’s not the same, but it’s good.
And in 3-D this body, right now, right here, is out of this world.
July 27th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
“Sexy” and “attractive” are, to me, two sides of the same coin, both involving the drawing to an object through sexual desire.
I think the caption question I would put on the doughy tummy picture is simply, “Is this beautiful?” For beauty is complex and requires context. And we can affirmingly say “yes.”
July 28th, 2010 at 8:53 am
Yes, Is this Beautiful?? A wonderful way to turn the question into more lasting, wider places! Thanks, Dale! =)
July 27th, 2010 at 6:55 pm
Thanks for sharing about this honestly.
I took up figure drawing last year and found it so refreshing for my idea of beauty and attractiveness. The models we drew were from all walks of life, thin, short, curvy, fit…and I found such beauty in drawing each form. There is immense beauty in curves (not the ‘curves’ of jessica alba and such celebrities…but really shapely women, stomachs, thighs, cellulite, breasts..). I love capturing the curves and rolls as the model bent to the side or the extra dimples in the leg. Yet, I also appreciated the small, quick lines of the fit body, shape of the calf, curve of the heel, structure of the arm. There was value and beauty in each body. This was so affirming for me in viewing myself. I finally realized that most women are more like me – dimpled, parts with shape, parts that could be more fit, parts that we were born with, genetically passed down… No woman fit the idea of what i feel i ‘should’ look like and what i think equals beauty to men and society…but I realized that they were all beautiful…so perhaps I am too. It is wonderful to see the body for it is, for what it does. I also appreciate your comment about not having to find these changes sexy. They just are. History and life and joy and challenge and personal.
Always leave me thinking with your posts…few, if any, honestly face these issues with such realness as you…keep it up
July 28th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Coryn,
Thank you for your encouragement. I love the perspective of artists. The guy at the end who complimented my post-pregnancy body is an artist as well.
Pretty soon, I hope, sexy will get over-used and we’ll come up with a better word for complimenting one another.
July 27th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
Aww thanks so much for posting this, your hubby is sweet! I know how much stress we put into our body and how it looks, but what we must remember is that God and those who love us see our heart first not our out side! Hugs & Kisses!
July 28th, 2010 at 8:55 am
Sarah Lynn,
Glad you enjoyed the post. I have a challenge for ya. I actually think those who love us, including God, do notice and see our outside first. I think our body is a vessel or better, instrument, the only one we have, for this material world.
And God called it good.
July 27th, 2010 at 10:17 pm
Very nice! I am appreciating my life bearing body!
I do desire more strength and energy, that is something to work toward for my health’s sake. I look forward to hearing you write about those things ten years from now and what words you share about how age affects the body. BUT not now…enjoy Finn and live!
E.
July 28th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Thank you, E.
Anytime you want to take a walk in White Woods with me and Finn–let me know! Love having the hope of knowing you better in 10 years.
July 27th, 2010 at 10:27 pm
Thanks, Joni. That was refreshingly true and I think most of us feel similarly. After #1, I was shocked that it took me so long to lose the weight, surprised that even when I did lose the weight my body had permanently changed in shape, and frustrated and upset about the remaining “pooch,” especially since I was always small in my waist and worked so hard to make it “pretty” again. What was going on here?! It just didn’t make sense! Now I take it all in stride and strive to just be healthy. After final baby is born my goal is to start running some local races. I don’t care much about my imperfections; I just want to feel strong and fit!
July 28th, 2010 at 8:57 am
Jod,
Loved this — strong and fit! With four new lives to hang your hat on, I appreciate your perspective.
Wish we could run together.
July 27th, 2010 at 10:29 pm
Thanks so much for this post! After bearing and breastfeeding 2 kids I find myself asking these same questions (though not nearly as eloquently). I find myself unfairly holding my shape up against more svelte forms, wondering how beautiful my own is. But I find most peace when I focus on how God made my body just like this and there is peace and joy in aging gracefully, accepting the changes and admiring the power of my body. And Dale has an excellent point: why limit our bodies to the label/goal of “sexy” when “beauty” far surpasses that?
July 28th, 2010 at 9:01 am
There IS peace and joy in aging gracefully. Have you read ,Going Gray: What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters,?
I know it’s strange for a 30 year old to read it, but I found it very helpful about embracing age.
Another good one is What French Women Know About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind
July 27th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
You know I’m 5 months pregnant? I was recently called, “Fatso” in front of my houseful of guests. I am happy to be pregnant and he knows it. I think “fatso” was meant to be a celebrative nickname (Can you imagine? Bless the foot in his mouth!) which is why I was able to hug him round the shoulder and say, “I know you love me. Don’t ever call me “fatso”.”
July 28th, 2010 at 8:53 am
Paula,
I’m thrilled to hear that your pregnant. How wonderful!
Your story resonated with me. A male family members regularly called me “Fatty” or “Slim” while I was pregnant. And it just broadsided me.
I did not have the safety (due to past accusations of being “too sensitive”) to tell him how it made me feel. I still hurt when I remember his words.
I’m very glad you have the safety to tell this man (hubby?), kindly, that “Fatso” isn’t the way to praise your pregnant state. Good for you!
August 1st, 2010 at 9:26 pm
No, definitely not Sam.
July 28th, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Good article. Reminds me of a website a friend sent me when I was pregnant: http://theshapeofamother.com/
July 29th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Jonalyn, This is a beautiful post. I can tell you openly that after Eldan I lost most of the weight and had a fairly normal tummy with only a little pooch left. Evelyn changed my body entirely. Not only did I get more stretch marks, but I gained 35 pounds I couldn’t get rid of. I hated looking at myself. I had a really hard time and just gave up so to speak. I finally (with God’s help) decided to do something about it! I started an exercise program and got some friends to encourage me and keep me accountable. I have lost 30 pounds and have realized more than anything else, that I like being healthy and strong. I still have a little jiggly skin on my belly that won’t go away (with out some kind of surgery anyway,) and stretch marks that are fading, but I have learned to appreciate and value the body God has given me now. I earned every one of these marks of mother hood. I am going to wear them proudly!!!!
I have also purposed that fitness has to be a part of my life. The discipline I have found in this area has helped me in so many other aspects of my life and I know that God has strengthened my character along with my body! It has also opened up so many oportunities for me to step outside my comfort zone and share my journey with other women (saved and unsaved) and love and learn from them. Thank you for sharing your journey. It just refreshes my soul to read your honesty. I will keep praying for you and your sleep! I can feel your tiredness when you write about it!
July 29th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
FREEDOM!!
September 6th, 2010 at 4:07 am
“The first over trying to reconcile why we have to find stretch marks sexy? Can’t we value the sacrifice without feeling like we have to lie?”
Pulling this as a brief reference, I find that you make a lot of assumptions to lay foundation to your post(s), without considering how deeply fallacious they are. I can’t decide if this is 1) short-sighted, 2) a reading error on my part, or 3) lack of development or thorough description of your position.
September 6th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Hi Bobbi,
I’d value hearing what is fallacious to you about the above quote. Please help me understand what seems short-sighted, unclear or undeveloped on my part.
September 30th, 2010 at 3:41 am
Why does anyone really care. Its just a tummy. I just dont think it should even be commented about, it insults women intelligence.
When we were young, we, like any animal were trying to attract a mate, so we cared about how we looked its only natural. We do get to a age, we have mated, we do have kids. So why does it matter what we look like in a bikini? Why does it matter whether this womens’ tummy is sexy? Its just so strange. I just care that my family respects me, Im a good mum, I have a pretty good career and I do something of value. Not worry about another womens tummy. Women should just make a pact not to even comment on these types of photos, its so demeaning. There are no photos/blogs were men are asking each other what they think of each other tummys…maybe there onto something, as in…who cares.