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Beauty and Headscarves
Beautiful woman. Beautiful puppy. Beautiful meadow. Beautiful baby. Beautiful relationship. Beautiful God. What do we mean when we talk about beauty in women?
Philosophizing about Beauty
With my philsopher’s hat slightly askew (thank you sleep deprivation) let me tease apart some things (value, beauty, attraction, sexiness) that get tangled together. Beauty is not the same as value. A beautiful forest, for instance, might be beautiful, but not valued and hence cut down to afford the own a better home site. So beauty and value are different.
Beauty is not the same as attraction. A beautiful woman isn’t always an attractive woman. Princess Diana was beautiful, so was Mother Theresa. But Princess Di was attractive to many more people, at least her life, her fashion and her death, than Mother Theresa. Attraction is subjective, beauty (I think) is not.
Beauty isn’t the same as sex appeal. Princess Di had it, Mother Theresa did not.
Dale often reminds me, a woman can be sexy without being beautiful, without even being attractive. As our artist friend, Jeff Lefever once quipped, “Sexy means being sexually available.” Like Madonna, who can be both sexy and unattractive at the same time. This recent photo and its photoshopped version (I’m not sure of it’s veracity, but I think it communicates a valuable point, nonetheless). Both versions are sexy, neither are beautiful.
Madonna and Photoshop
Madonna is aging, but this fails to reduce her value. She is still an image bearer of God, though we could talk about the unattractiveness of older women attempting to look as cream-puffy and spry as a fifteen year old.
I would not call Madonna beautiful, but that’s mostly because of what Madonna chooses to do with herself.
A friend of mine recently told me that a guy approached her with the greeting, “Hey there, Sexy!” It made her feel very noticed, slightly accosted, definitely uncomfortable. Why? I think his greeting told her that he believed she was available, at least sexually, for him.
This guy was not commenting on my friend’s beauty. Though she is beautiful, perhaps he didn’t notice because he was more concerned with how her body could be consumed, by his thoughts and his eyes.
Beauty is more than sexiness. Often, sexiness shouts for more attention. But beauty outlasts sex appeal. Why is that?
Trying to be Beautiful
I think beauty transcends age. I think that’s part of the reason we want it. Beauty grows from an eternal place, the root of God’s person.
If God is beautiful and humans reflect God, then perhaps beauty isn’t as illusive as most of us believe. Perhaps we can, or better should, try to be more beautiful. And yet, somehow that seems backward, like trying to be humble. Aren’t the most beautiful people somewhat unaware of their beauty?
My friend recently reminded me of Psalm 29:2,”Give unto the LORD the glory due unto his name; worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness” (King James Version).
If beauty doesn’t mean wearing sexy clothes to church or trying to get men to think I’m attractive, or tempting women to slit their eyes at me for vying for male attention, then how do we go about being beautiful people?
Talking to God about Beauty
Lately, when I come up with a puzzling question, I’ve been taking my confusion to God. I talk to him about what doesn’t makes sense and then I wait for him to respond. I’ve begun journaling both my questions and what I think I hear him saying (Before you label this practice too crazy, let me reassure you that Dallas Willard and Frank Laubach, see Letters By a Modern Mystic, both teach that you can hear from God). Here’s a sampling of what He’s taught me about beauty. Let me be clear, though. If these ideas seem strange or incorrect, the fault is mine.
“God, what is beauty to you?”
“I am beautiful, remember the passage to worship me in the beauty of holiness. This is because I’m honored by beauty.”
“So are holy people all beautiful people?
“Yes, think of you grandmother Grace when she has compassion. Think of your other grandmother Mary when she notices detail.”
“I guess I have a hard time thinking of beauty and holiness together. What does it mean to be holy?”
“Pure, undefiled.”
“Is that why babies are so beautiful? And the women who spend their time noticing if people are noticing them are not beautiful. Does distraction, self-consciousness ruin beauty?”
“Yes, babies are single in their direction, pure in their devotion, undefiled by self-consciousness.”
“But the girls and women in most American places are defiled by self-consciousness.” (For example see: Girl Culture Slideshow)
“I am not self-conscious.”
Conscious Beauty?
I thought about this for quite a while. If the Psalmist says to worship God with the beauty of holiness, I want to find out how to do that. What a serious challenge!
How do you consciously work on not being self-conscious?
Two college-aged women, Alicia and Tabitha, gave me a viable model.
Students at Biola Unversity, these young women are attractive, eager followers of Jesus. They donned headscarves for one school semester to better understand the role of their hair, their modesty, their vanity and their beauty in their lives.
Tabitha on the left, Alicia on the right
With echoes of hair as a woman’s glory (1 Cor 11:15) and long hair being a crowning glory to females I wanted to know more. Why did these young women cover their hair? What did they now know that I didn’t?
Here’s what I learned. A hair fast meant covering their hair whenever they were out in public. They rotated head scarves and continued in their daily activities, job, classes, social activities. At the end of the semester, they’d get together and compare notes. I caught up with them at the end of the semester.
What motivated you to do this?
Alicia: I was motivated by the challenge to discover how vain I am about my hair, to reflect on my hair’s role in my identity as a woman, and to push boundaries of what is socially acceptable for women. It meant that I was going to begin to know myself more as a spiritual being, and less as a physical one, and see how the latter influences the former. I debated whether to commit myself just to wearing a head covering, or whether to completely cover my head and all my hair. I decided not to show any of my hair in public because I thought it would be more drastic, challenging, and I would learn more. I am thankful that my friend Tabitha wanted to take this journey with me because it was so helpful to process with her what we were learning together.
Tabitha: A few years ago I really wanted to shave my head. It all started when I saw a woman on TV shave her head for a reality show (although I’m embarrassed to admit it). It was obvious that her hair was very important to her and she screamed and cried as they shaved it. The emotion was so raw, you could see her trying to process her identity, her beauty, her husband’s view of her, all in 15 minutes. but the thing I remember most is how beautiful she was when it was done. To this day she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
That was my original desire, to find my beauty outside my hair. As I talked with people about it, my desire to do it grew more into a desire to prove everyone wrong who told me I would be ugly, unwanted by men (as if that is my primary goal in life). This is simply my personality. To do what others say not to. I’m working on it. I remember telling one friend that I was going to do it ad she cried and told me, “You will be so ugly. Please, please don’t do it.” On a side note when I told my fiance that I was going to shave my head, he told me I would be beautiful.
So when Alicia told me that she was going to cover her head for a semester, it was an easy decision for me to do it with her. I did get a lot out of it, but if I am really honest, the friendship I gained with Alicia was the highlight, and my memories of us debriefing, talking, grieving, and rejoicing together are some of my most cherished moments from Biola.
Covering my head meant a lot to me. It meant discipline, introspection, a release of vanity, and a willingness to hear complete strangers judge me. And then to know that their thoughts did not define me. It was a daily battle for me to know that I am not defined by other people’s views of me. And then once I fell in love with the way I looked with my head wrapped, it was a daily battle not to find my identify soley in that. Overall I learned that I will cling to that which makes me stand out, that which people find interesting or deep. So it was a good exercise for me when people asked to explain that I as simply doing it with a friend. No other reason really, and there was nothing wrong with that.
Was it easy in any way?
Alicia: It was easy in that after a few weeks of wearing a head wrap, I forgot about it. If people stared, I wouldn’t immediately assume it was because of what was on my head. It was incredibly freeing not to worry about how my hair looked – no worry about if my bangs would become droopy, if my forehead was sweaty, or getting annoyed that my hair would stick to my lip gloss – all those little elements of vanity that can preoccupy us. I didn’t have the pressure to change my hairstyle everyday – down yesterday, ponytail today, half pulled back tomorrow – it was the same every day. Not to say that I didn’t become frustrated sometimes that the six scarves I own didn’t coordinate well with my clothes, or that I didn’t experiment with different ways of wrapping my hair. (she smiles) I realized that I wasn’t comparing my hair to others’ – I had nothing to compare! I was able to delight in the diversity of other women’s beauty.
Tabitha: To be honest, not having to “do” my hair every day was about the only easy part for me. The simplicity of life, not having to wash my hair every day, not having to spend so much time in the bathroom each morning. I guess it was also easy to do because in some ways it helped me to reach out to the freshman on campus. When they met me my hair was covered. They didn’t know me any other way. I was easy to find on campus, easy to recognize, and easy to talk to (or at least I gave off the perception of someone who was easy to talk to).
The other thing I discovered was that it made me feel beautiful. I felt beautiful for four months. More beautiful than I have ever felt in my life. That also helped make it pretty easy.
What made this difficult for you?
Alicia: In the beginning I hated being so aware that I stuck out and feeling as if I was drawing attention to myself. But after I forgot about it, it would become annoying that people would stare – sometimes very blatantly. It was hard to wear it for the length of time (3.5 months) and there were days when I simply did not want to wear it. Some scarves were heavier and more hot than others. I began to miss my hair. Overall, it was not as difficult as I anticipated; it was more of a mental challenge.
Tabitha: It was hard to be nice to the people (strangers and friends) who spoke with ignorance. I found that it was all in the way people asked me about it that I reacted. (I later learned to temper myself) Some people would point and say, “Why is your head covered?” some would act really nice to me, follow me around for a few minutes, making small talk. Then once they felt we had established a relationship deep enough, they would ask about it. Some people asked and really wanted to know why I had done it, but more than that they wanted to know me, and those were the people I would take time to talk with.
The first day, I woke up, got dressed, and then realized that none of my head wraps matched my outfit. It was then that I realized this was going to be harder than I thought.
It was hard on days when it was hot, or when I I really wanted to let me hair down. My hair became so special to me, and when I would get home at night and unwrap my head, I loved my hair. For the sake of full disclosure I would often stare at myself in my closet door mirror and marvel and how beautiful I was. It was like I had never known what an amazing job God had done when he made me, and I felt no vanity for my appreciation of my hair, because it was not for anyone to see. It was like I had the power to share my beauty with whomever I chose. And I began to see myself as more than an object to be judged by strangers.
What surprised you?
Alicia: I learned a lot about modesty; I had never considered my hair to be such a strong element of my sexuality, and it seemed to become more ‘special’ when I didn’t let it show in public. My housemates would ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over my hair when I took my head wraps off at home because they didn’t see it very often. It reaffirmed to me that modesty is so much more than just “covering up”, but that it can bring meaning and freedom.
I contemplated God as my ultimate authority and the wrap as a symbol of my submission to Him. I have a lot of negative connotations and images associated with the word “submission”, but my fear of it lessened and I began to embrace the idea of submitting.
Wrapping my head opened a lot of doors for conversations about how as humans we perceive each other – a headscarf is so conspicuous and was the first thing people noticed about me, and they make assumptions about why I wear it (because I’m religious or because I travel…). But they also make other assumptions that they don’t realize when they look at me, based on me being a woman, my body type, my body language, how I communicate, etc. The headscarf became an easy way to begin conversations about these assumptions and perceptions with others.
Since I was doing this while attending a Christian university, it was interesting to sometimes see tendencies of legalism come out in some reactions. While no one was imposing these restrictions on me other than myself, and I was the one who was determining the extent of the restrictions, some individuals would have negative responses to my decisions of when and how to wrap my hair.
The majority of reactions I received were positive and filled with curiosity. When people asked me about it they usually did so with great sensitivity, anticipating that there was a lot behind my decision to wear it. Some were hesitant to ask me about it while I wore it, but felt comfortable asking after I had stopped. A fellow student was so impacted that she decided to wrap her hair too, as well as not wear any makeup for the semester. Tab and I began to see more girls wearing head scarves towards the end of the semester.
I received a lot of questions about my ethnicity since it’s not common for white women to wrap their hair. The experiment has become a part of my ethnic identity formation as a white woman.
Tabitha: Interestingly, most men thought it was a submissive thing (old, young, christian or not), whereas most women saw it as a freedom thing. Many women wanted to share in it with me, and they found it to be a very freeing experience.
I found it interesting that on one occasion when I did not wear it in public, people felt free to judge me for not adhering to a law I had made for myself. It was an interesting thing for me to think through because even on mornings when I would work out and not wear it I always felt a slight sense that I was doing something wrong, even though my choice had no moral consequences and was not wrong in any way.
People assumed I had been to Africa, or that I had been on a missions trip somewhere. It was often inconceivable that a white woman would simply cover her head. My mom would ask me every time she saw me, “You still have hair under there, right?”
Often, people asked if I was Muslim. I wrestled with the idea that I knew people believed I worshipped a different god because of the way I looked, but am I obligated to look a certain way so that I honor the God I truly worship? Was it wrong for me to walk around knowing they thought I worshipped a different god? Is it my responsibility?
Can you share some of your favorite stories or reactions from this time?
Alicia: One of the interactions that impacted me the most was when I needed to have a passport-type photo taken to submit with my nursing license application. The staff wouldn’t let me take the photo with my head scarf on unless it was for religious reasons. I was so surprised and taken aback that I acquiesced and came back another day with my hair down to take the photo. Looking back I wish I would have challenged that rule. The head wrap wasn’t imposed on me by my religion, but rather I imposed it on myself in order to grow spiritually.
I had about two weeks left of classes when I stopped wearing the head wrap. The new friends I had made and my professors that semester had never seen me with my hair down before. A lot of people, even ones I had known before the experiment, didn’t recognize me without my head scarf. Ten minutes into a class, my professor exclaimed, “I didn’t recognize you! I thought you were a visitor!”. The headscarf had become my “identifier” – it distinguished me from others. But I am so much more than my head wrap, or any other aspect of my appearance that becomes my “identifier”. And other people are too, as I reflect on how I do the same to others.
Tabitha: My favorite reaction came from a client I worked with at a group home for teenagers released from juvenile hall. She asked me what my ethnicity was and I told her I was white (not an ethnicity, but that’s another conversation). She was shocked, literally.
Then she said, ”I guess that makes sense. I mean, when I look at you I think, ‘She must be black’, but then you talk and I think, ‘Damn, she’s white!’” I had to think very hard about what I was gaining from the fact that people did not view me as white, and what I lost too.
It was an interesting time for me to consider how much I use my appearance and my ability to change it in order to allow people to percieve me the way I want in a certain situation.
When it finally came off, all the girls at my group home said, “Your hair is BEAUTIFUL! WHY would you ever cover that up?” It was a profound question; one that I enjoyed discussing with them. Why would I cover my hair, my beauty? And I think the answer is because my hair is not what makes me beautiful. What makes me beautiful is the fact that despite looking like a cancer patient for four months, I was able to teach a teenage mom to care for her child. I earned the trust of 15 abused children. I maintained and built wonderful friendships.
Would you recommend a hair fast or a head wrap to others?
Alicia: Absolutely! I believe that as Christians we should constantly challenge our view of ourselves and learning more about what that means to be a spiritual being in a physical body. The experiment doesn’t have to be covering your hair; find something physical that seems an essential part of you that you can sacrifice for period of time, and ask the Holy Spirit to be present and reveal what you need to learn.
Tabitha: To be honest, I wouldn’t recommend this to others. Covering my head (wishing I had shaved it) was important and meaningful to me. I had a special connection with my hair and my appearance. I think the general concept of “living without” is a good idea for everyone, even for a small period of time, but it should not be governed by other people’s opinions. I would encourage people to find the things in life that mean the most to them and reflect on what control that particular thing may have over them.
Covering my head was a personal choice and a God-given desire. God leads each one of us in very different ways and I would encourage us all to think about how God may be speaking to us. I guess my other recommendation to others would be to work towards affirming one another’s humanity in every interaction. During the time when my head was covered I often felt like people viewed my head wrap as something outside of myself or like I was trying to redifine myself or reject my culture, etc. We need to be better at asking about and listening to other people’s stories. Hearing them for what they are and not for what we think about them, or what our pre-conceived ideas lead us to believe about them.
Just before I was about to take my head wrap off, I told my fiance that I was going to miss it. I was going to miss wrapping my head every day. His response was “Well, you don’t have to stop.” Which is true and is some ways I’m thankful for the freedom to put it on or take it off, but I still remember the first time I went out in public with my hair down. It was so freeing. And I knew that I would never put it back on, at least not for a while and not for an extended amount of time. It was a surreal feeling of liberation and power.
The week Alicia and Tabitha let their hair down. <aliciamichellemiller@gmail.com> <tabithaverdick@gmail.com>
So, Alicia and Tabitha have given me a lot to consider.
I think it would be safe to say that their discipline gave them more holiness, more undefiled, single-mindedness abou who they’ve been created to be. That, in turn, made them more beautiful.
Makes me want to hear from your. What do you think about this sort of hair fast? Do you think we can pursue beauty through self-disciplines? Or is beauty the same as attractiveness? Something you’ve simply been blessed with or excluded from?
How would you define beauty? attractiveness? sexiness? holiness?
August 30th, 2010 at 11:34 am
Just thoughts off the top of my head…
Definitions:
BEAUTY – that which arrests another’s attention and sensibilities and captures admiration and inspires delight. (sometimes also capturing and inspiring envy and feelings of inadequacy)
ATTRACTIVENESS – that which causes you to notice and draws you to want to get closer to the object of your attraction either mentally, emotionally or physically. (sometimes making you feel worthy but sometimes unwelcome attention goes with that)
SEXINESS – that which arouses a sexual appetite or sexual appreciation in another or a desire to “own” another. (sometimes also wielded as a manipulative power in order to gain a false sense of self-empowerment and value and also sometimes very unwelcome)
HOLINESS – a minute by minute decision and commitment to pursue the worship and good pleasing of God inwardly (thoughts, meditations, attitudes, decisions) and in deed (actions).
I’ve wanted to be drop dead gorgeous all my life. I find that in our society being good-looking is half the battle in life. Didn’t the ancient Greek genre of the Tragedy say that the story was all the more “tragic” when the hero or heroine or both that died were beautiful. Often, stories of people’s suffering and misfortune are all the more interesting when the person is “beautiful/sexy/attractive” according to our society’s standards.
I know there are people that get better service adn more respect not only in society at large but in the church when they are attractive (again that word according to today’s societal standards). I have to admit, sometimes, when I see people come to the altar that are good-looking, I am much more likely to go up to them and welcome them into “the family”. I also find that the TV ministry likes to invite more attractive people to sit upfront in the first few rows rather than the “frumpy, dumpy” ones.
I do think that we assign more value to beautiful people. Despite how ridiculously rude, unkind, selfish and hideous they may be in character, we’re much more likely to tolerate them because they seem to have earned the “right” to be however they want to be because they are so beautiful.
People get paid millions of dollars a year not only because they are talented…but, because they are also beautiful. Take Beyonce for example, she’s talented – but, so are so many. Granted, she’s also very hard-working at her ‘craft’, but if she didn’t look how she did, she would not be making $82million a year. There are other really talented people, but they don’t have the marketable “image” and some are not willing to peddle the overt sexuality that Beyonce is willing to flaunt.
I was watching a concert of hers on TV. She was so suggestive! She was giving the audience come hither looks and behaving in a sexually provocative manner…I asked myself WHY? Why does she feel the need to inspire that in her audience? These are perfect strangers – what value is there in inspiring sexual thoughts and sexual envy in perfect strangers??
I think it’s because she wields a power over them that they wish they had because they believe it would bring them success, power, money, fame…hence SIGNIFICANCE. Value.
What do you think? Why do actors, models, singers, various people feel the need to be “sexy”. Why does the phrase “sex sells” such an industry-wide catchall phrase? WHY DOES SEX SELL?
August 30th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Great final question there, Anonymous P. I have a few thoughts, but let’s see if anyone else want to chime in.
Why do you think sex sells?
August 30th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Enjoyed this post very much! Glad that you are having time to write. Will get back to comment if I can add anything and perhaps after I have the girls read and discuss with them if they want to.
August 30th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
I think it’s definitely “sexiness” that sells rather than the actual sex experience. If real sex had currency, marriages where sex is encouraged and readily available would be in much better shape! I am speaking from the perspective of a marriage counselor who helps people with sexual addictions. Pushing our initial sexual desire button – yeah, the “sellers of things” have that all figured out.
It’s a great question that deserves much more comment than I just gave!
I was at a Korean all-woman’s spa today with friends for the first time today. This involved a lot of nudity, but we were surprised at how quickly we became comfortable with our bodies being uncovered and that there was no air of “competition”. I remarked that I thought it had a lot to do with the fact that we were all required to tuck our hair completely into silly-looking shower caps. The others were surprised that seeing everybody in identical shower caps helped me feel comfortable and accepted. I don’t yet know what to make of my experience today, but I will be going back – it felt very beautiful and freeing to have any competition put aside for a day!
September 1st, 2010 at 2:52 pm
This sounds like a lovely idea for the Soulation Retreat Bath house. =) In male and female quarters.. of course!
August 31st, 2010 at 7:22 am
For the last couple of years I’ve been operating under a more generic definition of sexy. One that encourages conversations with my kids when they ask about the word being everywhere. I think I got it from Kristen Bell, not the actor, the preacher’s wife. “Comfortable in your own skin”
September 1st, 2010 at 2:28 pm
I really love the Bell’s concept of “comfortable in your own skin”, but I’m not liking it as a definition of sexiness. Perhaps it has useful interpretative uses for explaining the prevalence of “sexy” to young children…. where sexy actually means just “appealing.”
However, I can think of people who are comfortable in their own skin who I would not call sexy, Pope John Paul II or Billy Graham come to mind. I can also think of people who are sexy, but not comfortable in their own skin, Julia Roberts in the first few scenes of Pretty Woman comes to mind.
August 31st, 2010 at 7:23 am
Great post. Super inspiring and thought provoking. In my own struggle of beauty, I notice I tend to dress “sexier” after I’ve ramped up my diet and exercise and lost a few pounds. I don’t say this to be witty, but sometimes I wonder if that’s why God has “blessed” me with being been slightly overweight most of my life, because it keeps me humble and more modest!
September 1st, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Kristy,
Makes me wonder how difficult (and unusual) it is for women with “perfect” bodies to remain modest.
I know that some clothes actually LOOK sexier on some bodies, more than others. Modesty cannot be line-item legislated because (as Saudi Arabians know) a person can be sexy even in frumpy clothes, a lot has to with the way we move our bodies, what we do with our eyes . . .
Do you think you can strive for beauty in body without succumbing to trying to tempt others with your body?
August 31st, 2010 at 7:53 am
Good point from one comment: It’s not sex that sells; it’s sexiness. It’s allure. It’s the (empty) promise of excitement and escape. It’s basically the same process that lures people into addictive behavior, but usually in a more transient way. That is: I feel bad about myself. I need to escape/promote my image/find value/or a host of other subtle variations. This thing seems exciting and makes me feel good.
Basically, it’s an attractive lie. Advertising of this type offers a promise it cannot fulfill. It’s a promise that people will like us or respect us, or that we will attain a degree of power.
Another interesting point:
You use Princess Di as your paradigm of beauty and attractiveness. Yet her husband, Prince Charles, left her for a woman most of us would judge much less attractive. Apparently she was more attractive, perhaps more beautiful, to him than Diana.
Beauty is, I think, always, truly, in the eyes of the beholder. I think it has to be defined in terms of the perception of the beholder. And yet there are some things that almost all humans experience as beautiful, such as a sunset. To me, beauty is a quality that inspires a degree (more or less) of wonder, often with a hint of gratitude.
September 1st, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Rachel,
Thank you for pointing out that chasing sexiness as a look for ourselves or others is actually an addiction.
One small point I might disagree with you on, however. I think true excitement and escape do exist in most sexy escapades (e.g. The Graduate) even something as “harmless” as a furtive, alluring glance. I mean what else is making our hearts race like that?
I agree that this becomes an empty promise in the end because the excitement is illegitimate and fleeting. But I want to admit that real excitement and escape is to be had and women (or men) who are sexy do get more respect or attention.
I love your point about Princess Di. This makes a powerful example of how a woman can be attractive, beautiful and valuable and yet lose her husband due to, what? I suppose we could conjecture that Prince Charles did not find her sexy (in Jeff’s definition above that would be sexually UNavailable).
I’d be interested in talking more about what these mysterious ingredients of beauty are, the ones we all find appealing.
I like the list you’ve begun. Beauty often involves:
1- wonder
2- hint of gratitude
I’d add
3- holiness/purity
September 1st, 2010 at 2:41 pm
p.s.
I think to pursue sexiness in every relationships cheapens our sex lives with our spouse. Because that “sexy look” is so easy to get (just dress and move THAT way) it is, in the end, uncreative: we’re having sexy connections with everyone we see. This marketing of a private encounter is as vulgar, to me, as posting all your charitable donations on your facebook status.
Such behavior is beneath our humanity.
August 31st, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Jonalyn, this blog and those women have inspired me more and has slightly encouraged me to continue wanting as well as the following through with the shaving of my head. thanks
September 1st, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I’m glad you enjoyed and were inspired =)
A few thoughts about head-shaving that I think will help out.
1- Our appearance says much to others about our souls, it can (and should) reflect who we really are.
, but then I’d call them “a weaker brother/sister.”
2- Our choices about our appearance from clothes to hair cut, mean something in our culture, even if, to God, they could just express creativity.
3- Shaving your head, as a girl, will deeply affect how other people see, listen, interact, respect or disrespect you.
4- Shaved heads on women MEAN something in our culture from military to cancer patient to lesbian to gang related to prostitution (e.g. see how the Nazis treated women of the night).
5- Your shaved head could become a stumbling block to others, it might even prevent others from knowing you fully. Could be their problem, of course
Hope this gives you more to chew on!
I’ll love ya either way =)
September 6th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
I have a friend dealing with cancer who shaved her head in anticipation of the side effects of treatment. She found it a profound and freeing experience…and is also enjoying her hair growing back in now.
September 1st, 2010 at 8:39 am
Definitely when I asked the question “Why does sex sell?” I was not speaking of the act of sex itself selling – that’s called pornography.
It is an industry phrase: “sex sells” and is used all the time. Also, the word “sexy” is used for absolutely everything in all industry arenas: “make it sexy”, “it’s a sexy car”, “make the story sexy”…but, that’s another corner of discussion, obviously.
I’ve also always pondered: WHO DECIDED WHAT WAS BEAUTIFUL?
Who made the ORIGINAL measurement of what was considered “beautiful”? Sometimes, I cannot help thinking that we have ultimately stopped deciding for ourselves what is actually “beautiful” and rather have succumbed to be taught and conditioned to consider “A” beautiful and not “B”. Also, the context in which I discuss this is not nature or sunsets – it’s people and more specifically women of which I am personally speaking.
What if no-one had ever conditioned us through any type of media or indoctrination that x or y was beautiful – I wonder who I would find beautiful. WHO WOULD I FIND BEAUTIFUL INHERENTLY AND OF MY OWN ACCORD?
Also, we cannot ignore the standards set by various cultures and periods of time. But, through-out time, women have always tried to conform to that current standard to be accepted and to be beautiful…why?
Just thoughts…
Anon. P.
September 1st, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Great though experiment:
What would you find beautiful if cultural codes hadn’t taught us what IS and IS NOT beautiful?
I know in a lovely book called The History of Beauty, the first paintings included hourglass shapes: the torsos of women. These weren’t particularly runway, modelesque, nor were they curve-less.
So I’d have to say that there is something lovely about curves. But all kinds are appealing, from Queen Latifah’s hips to Judy Garland’s smile to Shirley Temples’ curls.
As far as why do we conform?
We want to be valued. And let me turn the question back atchya. Do you value what you find unattractive?
I think this is why we need Jesus, he mastered what we cannot achieve.
September 2nd, 2010 at 8:07 am
Hi Jonalyn,
To answer your question: “Do you value what you find unattractive?”
Well, it depends. If it is an inanimate object, or a piece of art – then, probably not.
When it comes to people, however, my first instinct might not to pay that much attention, but ultimately, how can I not value a human life that God has created?
As smelly, repulsive, weird, strange, boring etc. etc. etc. I might find an individual – do I have teh right not to VALUE them the way that I value what God has done in creating and loving them?
Furthermore, it is true that instrinsic value aside, I might (and I say MIGHT) put more worth on their opinions, thoughts, tastes, and dislikes if I found them more attractive. I would almost say that their superiority as a better-looking being makes what they say, think or feel of more value to me because perhaps secretly I wish I were like them, so I would espouse their perspectives more?…I’m not sure, it’s a good contemplation, however. I might even go so far as to trust an attractive person more, than someone less so. Is this rational?…not sure!
All I know is that studies have shown that good-looking people tend to be more successful and educated – in that light perhaps my trust of the individual would be based on their education and accomplishments which in some part their looks played into. Of course, this is a VERY GENERALLY mentioned idea – don’t all bombard me, people! There’s only so much one can say in a little blog post. hehehe
Perhaps, I understand slightly what you’re trying to ask me, and in that case – I’d have to say that I’d have to bring in the idea of romance/love in order to answer your question – or, perhaps I am misunderstanding.
Would I VALUE one man over another (I am a woman) over another because I find him attractive to me? Probably, yes, I would put more value on that person as they are related to me, but intrinsically, I think both men are of equal value because of God’s creativity and unconditional love.
Anon. P.
September 6th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Anon P,
Yes, I get what you’re saying. It is easier to value what attractive people are saying. Leo Tolstoy puts it like this, “It is amazing the delusion that beauty is goodness.”
Appreciate your honesty. I think you totally got my question. Your answer works nicely with your original question. We end up mutating our natural ideas about beauty in order to find out what culture finds beautiful. Why? so we might feel more valuable.
However, if we find someone who tells us we are truly valuable and can honor, love, customize their taste to find our different physical (maybe even not sexy to others, but attractive to them) features appealing, I believe our ideas of beauty will also shift. Is this Jesus’ role in our lives? Is this the body of believers role, too?
I think Rachel’s point below about splendor helps us refresh how we think of beauty, ourselves and others.
September 2nd, 2010 at 8:28 pm
To continue a definition:
First, the words beauty and beautiful, like so many words today, are in danger of being trivialized and profaned–in other words, in danger of losing their meaning! These words need “refreshing” like so many spiritual words.
Jonalyn, you are right that beauty is related to holiness. Even in the English derivation “beauty” is related to the Latin word “bonus” meaning “good.”
In Hebrew, a woman might be called “pleasant to look at” but the abstract idea of beauty is of a heavenly order. I haven’t done a study on it, but the word “tiferet” comes to mind. this is often translated “splendor”. There are other words like this and they relate to an “other worldly” sort of beauty. It describes God in his majesty. Majesty is another description of beauty.
To me this is the real meaning of beauty. That’s why we all draw our breath in at a colorful sunset. Because it arouses in us the yearning for the something beyond. Our beauty as humans, what I would call true or substantial beauty, reflects that greater splendor. Beauty causes our hearts to leap with joy and yearning at the same time.
Your photo of Madonna had absolutely nothing to do with this kind of splendor. Yet, she too is created in the image of God. but she is remaking herself into the image of something else. And I don’t think it’s “good” or beautiful.
In making ourselves “sexy” are we women sometimes eradicating or effacing the image of God in ourselves?
Yet, do we need to radically go to the other extreme and deface the natural beauty God has given us by wearing a burkha or shaving our heads, as some religious sects require?
September 6th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
This comment is my favorite so far. I love how you’re weaving in splendor, majesty, bonus, good into this definition.
Thank you for showing us how we can pursue sexiness and degrade our beauty.
Grateful for this, Rachel!
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:22 pm
This interesting information I learned not too long ago. Scientists have actually determined that our definition of beauty can be scientifically described and is rooted in symmetry. The more symmertry in a face, the more beautiful. Also the distances between the eyes, the nose and mouth, etc. have been determined to be “sexy” to the other gender. Beauty “from the neck down” is determined, especially by men, by the innate desire to procreate (the slim waste and the somewhat wider hips, easier for childbearing). Even the redness of a woman’s lips is part of the equation.
So there is actually an objective explanation.
September 6th, 2010 at 12:19 pm
AC,
Yes, I’ve heard this, glad you included it here. I think this def of beauty is actually a def of attraction.
But this explanation while lending some objectivity to our attraction toward people/things doesn’t explain the reasons we find certain unusual characteristics attractive, like Drew Barrymore’s lopsided smile, an unsymmetrical dimple, our lover’s freckles, etc.
Thoughts?
September 4th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
AC,
I’ve heard that anthropological/evolutionary theory before.
It’s interesting, but still does not explain how I am made to feel as a woman.
The complex feelings of a human female are never assuaged by “science” alone.
)
I’m more interested in exploring this unquantifiable aspect. Are you as well, AC?
September 6th, 2010 at 9:42 pm
I’ve read every reply twice now and pondered – I am having a hard time divorcing beauty, attractiveness,and value from each other for long enough to talk about them seperately. I’ll try to explain why:
If you are a human that I can engage with and not feel in danger, I value you. No matter your physical attributes, if I spend any time with you at all and feel a mutual valuing (respect, curiosity, acceptance, warmth) I will experience you as attractive, and next, beautiful. This is my experience, over and over! You may have horrible teeth but that is not the part of “you” I would be focusing on when I say beautiful. If I find you beautiful or attractive first and then get to know you, all three are still present, working together. I’m trying to picture a person I would not value as a default response, and I think danger would be the only scenario…
September 23rd, 2010 at 9:30 am
Robin,
A valuable, practical point about our daily interaction. I agree if we fail to value people because they are less attractive, we’re in a dangerous zone. The way I most commonly see this played out is not that I do NOT value someone less attractive, but that I pay MORE attention to those I find attractive.
I see that this is not always wrong. Just depends, I think, on what attracts me and if what’s attractive to me is constantly part of the conversation I have with God. Do the things I find attractive make up part of what God’s also values?
For me, the value of separating beauty from attractiveness comes in being able to say someone, say Catherine Zeta Jones, is more beautiful than I. But to also rest in knowing Dale is more attracted to me. A nice thought!
I do agree with you that beauty, attractiveness and value often piggy-back each other in our daily experience. It feels even unnatural to separate them.
September 15th, 2010 at 12:04 am
Jonalyn,
Finally reading your post was Gods appointment for me this evening. Today, as I went to get dressed I became completely overwhelmed…”I have nothing to wear” “All I ever wear is jeans” were my complaints, and the self consciousness set in. I began to compare myself to those around me, whom I feel dress better and look cuter and have more creative outfits. I know this sounds silly, but I began to cry, cry out to the Lord because I knew that this discontent was not from Him. (Ironically, my devotions for this month are on finding contentment Gods way, hmm… was this an attack from satan?) For me, clothes have become more than just something to cover myself with, they define me and tell the world who I am…which is so wrong and sinful. I realize that rather than put my focus on the Lord I have put my energy into my outward appearance. I agree that beauty is not the same as attraction. Beauty is something that we can, with the help of the Lord, all have. If they were the same then why did God make some more attractive than others? I don’t believe that God looks at an attractive woman any more highly than a non-attractive woman, which (to me) proves that beauty is not something that can be seen through our attractiveness, therefore they aren’t the same. Like the psalmist said in psalm 29:2 our beauty is in our holiness, until we learn to completely submit to the Lord we are not beautiful, no matter how cute our clothes are, or how vivacious our hair is we are not beautiful. Beauty is not seen in how we look, it cannot be photoshopped, it cannot be bought or sold, and it cannot be earned. Beauty is something we must seek God to find, it is seen in how we treat those around us, in how we act and react, beauty pleases the Lord because when we are beautiful we are like Jesus, humble and in constant communion with the God of all creation.
-Alyssa
September 23rd, 2010 at 9:31 am
Alicia,
I love this honestly. I relate to that feeling of wanting to look cute, interesting, “well put together”.
It has reduced me also to tears.
However, I don’t think the desire to make my clothes fit who I am on the inside is sinful or wrong. Rather, I think the hope that clothes will heal the inadequacy feeling is wrong. Does this distinction make sense?
November 21st, 2010 at 12:41 am
I am fascinated by this and the subsequent comments. I think it is because, as a Muslim, I associate head covering instinctively with my own faith and although I know several lovely Christian women who cover their heads on a daily basis, in a variety of styles, we have yet to really have a deep conversation on it.
I was raised in a Christian home, my family is Lutheran, and I started covering even before my conversion to Islam. Covering was one of the things which initially got me interested,I think. It seems as though this urge to define myself by my unseen attributes (intelligence,strength,etc.),
rather than my physical ones, is intrinsic to my nature, as I have always been this way, even as a child. I have found that since covering, my idea of beauty has changed substantially and I can now appreciate many other forms of ‘beauty’ I had not before considered.
While I am not one of those Muslims that believes that headcovering is mandatory for a Muslim,Christian or Jewish women, I do believe there are certain benefits to it, many of which have been listed already.^_^
As far as personal experience goes, as a woman who covers daily, I find that peoples reactions and opinions go 2 ways.
1. They show me extra respect and are very friendly b/c they see my headscarf, recognize what it means and then treat me as the sincere,faithful and pleasant person I am.
Or
2. And this is one that I am sure even headcovering Christian women get every once in a while, they look at me, think ‘OMG SHES MUSLIM’ and they either run, pretend I don’t exist or, worse still, harass me.
And you know, I have heard that from the covering Christian women I know, too. It seems as if the general population in the U.S. has so little memory of or experiance with headcovering that they assume every girl with a khimar, kerchief,cap or tichel on must be a Muslim!Or else, they must be a cancer patient or something. *I* can tell the difference of course but apparently nobody else can.lol
One of the girls mentioned race as an issue and I find thats true.The race question is almost always asked, just before or after the question about my religion. I get WAY more comments,questions and stares, simply b/c I happen to be white and its not like I’m running around in a face veil and a big black dress or something.lol I’m a blue jeans kinda gal.^_^ Its as if they think “Why would some white girl cover herself up?”
Personally, I think I look beautiful in my hijab. Not SEXY and available but pleasant, modest and respectful.
I find people, male and female, get irritated that they can’t instantly tell who I am based on my clothing, aside from possibly my religious preferences.Some reactions are good though.I once had an elderly man come up and tell me I looked beautiful, in what he described as an unexplainable,radiant sort of way.
I think its a shame that women are taught that they have to show off something,in order to feel loved or valued. I know that I often felt this way before I started covering.
Now, I cannot even count how many friends I have had tell me they envy my ability to love myself for who I am internally and how nice it must be to not feel pressured to”‘keep up with the Jones’ “, as it were. Or how many men I have had behave as though they were insulted that I didn’t get dressed in the morning with the explicit purpose of providing decoration for their world. lol
When I put on my headscarf to go out, I look in the mirror and think,I am beautiful the way God made me. As long as I am beautiful to myself and God, nobody else matters. ^_^
Sorry for rambling. I saw this link on one of my head covering Christian friends’ FB page and thought I’d check it out.^_^
November 22nd, 2010 at 9:35 am
Hi Sarah,
Glad to have your voice here. It was very interesting for me to read your thoughts and see how similar your experience of wearing the hijab has been one of liberation.
I particularly liked how you pointed out how your head covering makes people irritated (as they’re not sure where to “place” you) and how men alternate between respect, admiration or insulted that you’re not decorating the world. All apt and as far as the latter sadly common responses. I admire your courage and self-awareness!
I’d love to ask you more questions. Would you be up for me emailing you personally? If so, shoot me a line at jonalyn@soulation.org.