When a Man You Love Was Abused – Book Review
There is a silent epidemic among the men we know and love. For every six men, one has been sexually abused.
Why read a book on men and sexual abuse? To put it simply and confidentially, I know men who have been sexually abused. I want to understand them and love them better.
I’ve pored over Cecil Murphey‘s groundbreaker, When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman’s Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation, not for the faint-of-heart, it is difficult to read and even to write about here.
I put Murphey in a category with the prophets. He is calling us to notice an abiding sin in our own midst. One we’ve silenced too long.
One year later, I’ve finished. I’ve cried through much of it, I’ve underlined something on nearly every page.
I’ve learned.
Murphey is the first that I’ve found to tackle the silent epidemic of boys who are molested. Epidemic? really?
The most conservative figures find at least one in six boys endure unwanted sexual contact (1in6.org). It’s probably worse than that. Why? Boys don’t talk about it as men.
When a Man You Love Was Abused is divided into two sections, the first deals with male sexual assault and its effects, the second with those who want to help survivors (brothers, sons, husbands, friends).
Murphey begins with his own story, unlocked from his memory by a strong adult aversion to raspberry jam. It baffled him to the point that he explored it. Memories began slowly kicking in. Mr. Lee (not his real name) lured Murphey into his apartment with crackers covered in raspberry jam.
The Abused One . . .
. . . endures more as a child than most of us can imagine. But Murphey gave me a good picture of how to relate to survivors of sexual assault.
Loneliness
Many boys stifle the pain of sexual abuse. It’s too difficult and too unbelievable. To face the psychological, physical and spiritual pain, too overwhelming. They often believe sexual abuse indicates they are homosexual, or that they are somehow to blame. Or worse or all, their story will never be believed. They suffer in silence and isolation.
Tip #1 – Should a man confide his sexual assault to you, NEVER say, ”I’m sure that didn’t happen.” Instead offer steady support and a calm, listening ear.
Masculine Confusion
Men are expected to be in control, leaders, confident, aggressive and dominant. Sexual abuse upends all of these.
When a father molests his son, the child learns a confused role for fathers. Is his dad a father, a lover, a friend? Most boys cannot help but believe molestation is normal behavior of all fathers to all sons. Often the sexual assault is the first time their fathers have noticed them. But, when the father loses interest, the boy’s second abandonment is often worse than the sexual abuse.
When a mother molests her son, he learns to take the role of a husband in his mother’s life. I wasn’t surprised to learn that this robs him of his childhood.
Most men struggle with the lie that they should have been able to stop the abuse. Their weakness against an adult who was smarter and stronger than them continues to assault their masculinity. And if their abuser was a woman, or their mother, gender myths (e.g. Women never have sex with their sons, women are too naturally nurturing to be violent, mothers always have their son’s best interest at heart) shatter these young men’s ability to speak about the horrors they’ve endured. One incest survivor saw his mother’s requests and his capitulation for sex as one of the dutiful ways he needed to take care of her. He couldn’t even call her behavior sexual abuse.
Tip #2 – Refuse to be shocked, regardless if he shares the abuse was perpetrated by a seemingly good person or even a woman.
It is probably best that you cannot read his bumper stickers.
When sexually molested boys grow up, many feel they must prove their machismo, and treat women as trophies. They may constantly involve themselves in activities to prove to the world that they are manly. Or they might be compensating to prove to themselves they were not used as sexual objects by men, or to prove they are not gay. As adults they may become addicted to sex with women to prove their masculinity.
This insight reminded me of several sexually over-the-top men I’ve encountered. Men who could not help (it seemed) objectifying all women to their sexual organs. Men who we meet on off-roading trails whose Jeeps are littered with sexual innuendo bumper stickers. Men who I now see with compassion. Such an exaggerated masculinity reveals more than they realize. I grow in compassion for men who follow Mark Driscoll and make a competitive, badgering masculinity a battle flag of the most important war for Christendom.
People-Pleasers
Molested children grow up believing all adults have the right to criticize, discipline or correct them. Therefore, abused kids become adults who don’t know how to disappoint adults. They were likely once told, “This is what love is like” or “This is for your own good” and taught to ignore their internal signs of warning, fear, intuitive self-protection. From a young age an adult sieged his control, his need for nurture, his memory. Molested boys grow up into adults who struggle to make kind, firm boundaries.
Control
As Murphey put it, since control was ripped away from him as a boy, as an adult he must grab power and control over everything. It can be his only way of making sure the abuse never happens again.
Lies and Shame
When a man or woman molests a child, the child is unable to properly assign blame to the adult. Instead the child becomes injected with shame and guilt that properly belongs to the adult. As an survivor of sexual abuse adult men will justify their victims with statements like,
“I didn’t stop it.”
“I wanted/needed too much attention.”
The web of deceit has so many connections that Murphey spends many chapters detaching the half truths from the lies. For instance, abused boys believe things like “It wasn’t that bad” or “It was a terrible thing he did, but he loved me” or “God will deal with it, I need to leave it in God’s hands.” Murphey offers ways to stop the inner abuser from perpetuating these lies, offering Scripture to restore truth. However, and this is an incredible benefit of his writing, he is never glib or simplistic about what Scripture can and cannot do.
With chapters like “The Loss of Childhood”, “Flasbacks and Dreams”, “False Memories”, “If His Abuser was a Woman”, “Facing His Abuser” and “Where was God?” Murphey pulls no punches. He’s honest both about the process, the pain and the time healing requires. This first section was his most clear and helpful for me.
This section has many lists, lists of long-term problems, of Scripture passages, of male self-image problems, exercises that he’s personally used to feel again, to develop boundaries, to learn to say no and to pay attention to his body. Since Murphey is a survivor who has found healing, I found myself ready to trust his suggestions.
Know someone who needs to know they’re not alone? Go to Cecil Murphey’s blog Men Shattering the Silence or Survivor Helps.
Part 2 – How You Can Help Him
The second section spoke directly to women, explaining what we can and cannot do for the men in our lives who are survivors of sexual abuse. I found this section more staccato in style, some chapters could have benefitted from more organization. However, I found myself weeping more in this section. So much work to be done.
Chapter Titles in Part 2
For a short version of what we can do, Murphey lists eight opportunities women have.
- Be honest with feedback to him. Molested men have been lied to, he needs you in his life to support him with complete honesty.
- Realize and accept you cannot say anything to make him feel better. (This is worth parking on for awhile).
- He doesn’t need anger or horrified responses, he needs compassionate support. Refuse to be shocked, refuse to focus on your feelings. Listen.
- Believe him.
- Keep his story completely confidential
- Show him that you believe he was a courageous person, “You survived that all on your own.”
- If he struggles with addictions, remind him that he unconsciously chose this to self-medicate.
- Pray for him on your own and out loud with him.
As a friend once told Murphey, “The only way out of the pain is to knock on the door of pain, go inside and feel the emotions. If he does that, the past will no longer hurt him.” Men who do this need women by their sides cheering them on at their pace. I want to be a woman who helps, a comfort in time of need, an ezer through the valley of the shadow.
God help us.
August 17th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
Wonderful Review. Mr Murphey is not the first one to tackle this issue. Holding on to Hope Ministries is three years old and Bill Harbeck’s book Shattered has been out there for two years. Bill has been criss-crossing the country, was a guest on Oprah Winfrey, and auuthored his own story. Unfortunately, the resistance is strong our there in churches and communities to hearing the truth. I applaud this and other books like RId of My Disgrace for coming to the table to engage the issue. Bill Harbeck
August 17th, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Bill,
I am very grateful you’ve alerted me and my readers to your ministry. Your book, Shattered, sounds like a powerful place for a person to begin to step into the shoes of the devastation abuse can cause. I’d recommend interested readers check out your extensive list of resources here (Mending the Soul by Tracy is one I can also personally endorse).
Your upcoming book Joree: A Broken Reflection of God’s Glory speaks to a metaphor I’ve also grabbed ahold of: God putting my pieces back together. I’ve spoken on that at length here “God Wants the Broken”
I found your page on current statistics another helpful picture to add to Murphey’s
Current Statistics
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 3 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18
1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the Internet
Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. Just the ones reported.
quoted from https://www.holdingontohope.org/Statistics.html
More on child abuse at: http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm
Thank you, Bill, for sharing your experience and resources with us! I agree with you that the church is resistant to listening. To be deaf only hurts our communities further. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
Would you be willing to speak into the question Anon P. raised this evening? I’d like to comment as well, but after you.
August 17th, 2011 at 6:04 pm
great post. much needed. what if the man in your life was not sexually abused by severely emotionally and physically abused? do some of the same principles apply? obviously, there is a difference with sexual abuse. was just wondering…
August 17th, 2011 at 7:17 pm
The issues of powerlessness and betrayal are very similar for those that are physically and emotionally abused. All are an attack at the glory of God’s design for image bearers. The consequences are similar and the methods of protection vast for each individual. The level and extent of trauma usually correlate to the severity of the consequences. Restoring the person of any abuse requires extended and gentle care.
August 17th, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Anon P,
I agree with Bill from my own experience. As I read Murphey’s book I not only wept for the men in my life who have experienced this, but also for the personal work I had and have to do as I work through emotional abuse in my past. I related to the loss of power, to the inability to act as an adult and the difficulty I have with relaxing and losing total control. Bill makes an important point that restoration requires much time and care. And, I would add, the chance for a therapist (should he be willing) to add their gifts and training into God’s work.
Bill,
Could you elaborate on what you mean by “the severity of the consequences”?
August 18th, 2011 at 8:03 am
Jonalyn,
Thanks for reviewing a book that carries depth and compassion with it and covers a topic a lot of us don’t want to hear about, but must face if there are any men and any boys in our lives at all. When I was reading James Dobson’s book “Bringing Up Boys,” I could hardly handle reading through the sections about sexual abuse and physical abuse, as the mother of two sons (now 2 and 5) myself. One chapter is, aptly but chillingly, titled “Predators.” That kind of information takes time to get through, let alone digest, as you attested in taking a year to work through this book. But valuable, so valuable.
Thanks for working through this and reviewing it here, drawing it to our collective attention.
August 23rd, 2011 at 11:15 am
Thanks for posting the review. I hadn’t heard of the book before, but it is darned important people read this. I can’t imagine the gut-wrenching terrifying fear these boys must have buried in themselves. I have heard that at least 1 in every 3 girls is sexually assaulted or molested. I know a family where the son was emotionally and physically abused, and the two older girls were sexually molested regularly by their father. One of the girls was able to stand up to her father enough to say he had to stop and if he didn’t she would go to the police. She was fortunately strong enough to not be dissuaded by his manipulation games and promises of “shame on the family” if she said something. I admire her courage. Not suprisingly, she is healing the best of all of them.
Sexual deviance seems to be something that people try to keep a family secret and not deal with very often, and so many people even in the church are so uncomfortable with sexuality because of their own baggage and misconceptions that there is a lot of paralysis, meanwhile the victims and initiators meanwhile continue to suffer. Often the victim is even blamed by outsiders from what I’ve seen and heard.
In the meantime, Jesus has so much wisdom, love, compassion, and everything good and healing for these people, and instead of giving in to that uncomfortable feeling when a subject like this comes up, we give our Saviour and the person we’re talking to a blessing when we look at them as a soul and draw our voice from a place where those good qualities come from in a special place of grace. I don’t think there is ever a perfect answer, but I definitely want to read this book to be more aware, although in reading your review, Jonalyn it seems like it will be especially difficult to read.
August 24th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Mandy,
That family of girls sounds amazing. I’ve met a young woman like that, too. There is a supernatural awareness there, but also a robbing of their childhood in the process. Imagine having to confront your father like that, you are no longer thinking as a child thinks.
I completely agree, blaming the victim is so prevalent. I see it frequently when people blame a rape victim of dressing immodestly and goading the rapist on. “He couldn’t of helped it, sweetie, you dressed like that” Uuuugh! Asinine.
We blame the victim because we have them in our power, we can accuse them, while the real problem, the rapist, the molestor, we can’t get our hands on. So better to try to prevent the crime by doing casualty prevention instead of accusing where accusation lies. This is part, I believe, of the hard work of doing justice (Micah 6:8).
Conspiracy of silence? oh yeah, I know of that. An entire post needs to be written on how that silencing culture gets created and perpetuated. Often under such innocuous things as being “nice”. A friend of mine once said niceness is kindness without honesty.
Jesus does have so much healing… and some hard words for those intent on keeping the system intact at the cost of heaping heavy burdens on the weak!
The book is worth all the time you put into it. If you could handle my blog post, you’ll do fine. He’s never gratuitous with details, very appropriate and clear.
Hope you will get it.
August 24th, 2011 at 1:54 pm
The book Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams has a very powerful message. He covers a more subliminal form of abuse (called Covert Incest by Adams) but one that is equally as destructive, especially since most victims don’t realize that anything unhealthy happened.
It is a short book and a fast, though heartbreaking, read. He has some tangible approaches to healing and offers a variety of stories to illustrate the different forms this abuse can take.
August 24th, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Carey,
Thank you for this recommendation. I will look it up. Before I do, however, could you give me a handle on this term “covert incest”? Is it similar to emotional incest?
Thank you!
September 6th, 2011 at 10:24 am
Jonalyn,
Sorry for the delayed response.
Yes, I think that “emotional incest” would, at least, be similar. It is essentially when parents have a broken relationship (of some form not necessarily divorce) and one parent finds their emotional bond in their child rather than their spouse or partner. That is a VERY rough description of the abuse.
The book is equally interesting and heartbreaking. I hope that helps.
November 5th, 2011 at 8:29 am
Thanks for prompting the abuse discussion, it’s so important to help normalize the topic of the abused male. Unfortunately, I’m one of those six.
As a professor of Old Testament, I decided a few years ago that I wanted to enter this discussion to help Christian leaders (counselors, professors, pastors, missionaries), and a few weeks ago Wipf and Stock just released The Long Journey Home: Understanding and Ministering to the Sexually Abused. https://wipfandstock.com/store/The_Long_Journey_Home_Understanding_and_Ministering_to_the_Sexually_Abused
It is a compilation of 23 chapters by 26 different professionals from Psychology, Theology, and Pastoral Care. I grew tired of trying to find quality information from different professions that were typically talking past each other (or ignoring each other), so I edited this book to help Christian leaders better address SA from a more holistic perspective and knowledge base. I can honestly say that here’s a fresch resource that belongs in church libraries, etc.
I thought you might like to know of this new resource to help abuse survivors.
Thanks for discussing these this issue honestly, without deconstructing it.
Andrew J. Schmutzer, Ph.D.
Professor of Biblical Studies
Moody Bible Institute
aschmutz@moody.edu
November 7th, 2011 at 7:48 am
Andrew,
Thank you for sharing your experience and your book here. I’m grateful to hear there is a holistic approach that combines your research.
Grateful you wrote,
Jonalyn
January 28th, 2012 at 1:48 pm
They don’t all want to “go inside and feel the emotions”.
Sometimes ezer/meet help has to be very strong about the boundaries because the self-medication with their addictions just carries on “the foolish ways inherited from the forefathers” 1 Pet 1:18
Married 30 years this Oct., and my husband has never engaged recovery- the only “emotions” are happy and angry. But a wife can learn to navigate…
“honest feedback” (in Murphey’s list) must include telling him the unvarnished truth about how much his behavior is hurting you and the children, and perhaps consequences of separation and divorce if he won’t get off the addiction garbage truck…
just sayin’
January 30th, 2012 at 10:46 am
Hello Charis,
I appreciate you sharing some of your experience from inside the pain of marriage to a man who was abused. How have you found yourself knowing how to navigate? I would appreciate any direction for my readers on advice on loving and setting firm boundaries with a husband who not engage recovery.
Thank you, again.
Jonalyn