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I've been married 10 years to Dale Fincher, an old soul who makes me feel young and brilliant. We’ve lately had a son, Finn, who we love baby wearing
Seven years ago Dale and I co-founded Soulation. a non-profit dedicated to helping others become more appropriately human. Dale and I work as a speaking/writing team.
I love watercolor, snowshoeing, cooking and reading. Favorite movie to impress you “The Lives of Others”, favorite movie on a Sabbath is "Last Holiday", favorite book Mansfield Park. At the moment we're watching Mad Men, 30Rock, The Office and Dora the Explorer.
The model Christian marriage, moreover, has traditionally been one in which the wife bows to the will of her husband the way a Christian does to God, but many evangelical women are in the midst of their own liberation movement. They are reinterpreting Scriptural verses requiring them to “submit” and “obey,” and they’re no longer content to “be known as the quiet, meek, pathetic group that doesn’t get to experience twenty-first century freedom,” as Jonalyn Fincher writes in the afterward to “UnChristian.”
When you think of the word meek, what do you think of? Is this a word that can be redeemed?
If you had to describe the model Christian marriage, what would it look like? Describe both partners and their duties.
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 10th, 2011 at 10:12 am and is filed under family, love. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
To the 2nd set of questions off the top of my head:
A model Christian marriage is a man and a woman whose duty is to give out of their abundance (strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents, perspectives)and partner with their mate to fulfill the commission to reign as stewards of God’s good creation. Both partners in doing so seek the good of the other which requires the practice of Christ-like virtues.
I suspect that when we’ve got no abundance to give out it may have more to do with feelings, which are subjective, than reality. Though, I do recall having expressed before that I have “no creativity left”. In hindsight, it had more to do with being tired—physically and emotionally. When we are refreshed and well, I think we tend to have the energy that propels us to give out of our abundance.
Christ Followers should seek the good of others, in this case our mate and employ qualities or strengths that benefit our mate. Seeking the good of another at times will look like humility, peacemaking, tenderness, phileo, serving, self-sacrificing, deference, etc., but it will on more than one occasion in sustained committed marriage require boldness, initiative, confrontation, resoluteness, speaking the truth in love, etc.
Being led by the Spirit is important for sensing what the situation requires, or more specifically, how your mate can best be served.
I loved the lists you shared showing how Jesus followers will be sharing different things depending on the occasion. Your list is life-giving… thank you, especially the part of being led by then Spirit.
Rest, knowing when and how and how much, is another virtue I’d add to tackle the lack of abundance that seems to plague most marriages.
Congrats on the newspaper attention. I love telling women that meek describes a powerful horse that has learned to channel that power. When women who have never felt allowed to be powerful see that in the Greek it is heartening regardless of their picture of female roles in society and marriage. As for marriage, a quick summary of my view would be that both parties are fully considerate of and cooperative w/ one another and each other’s dreams and abilities. “Cooperate” would, outside of usage in military contexts, quite arguably be the best definition of how the Greeks used the word submission, and Eph 5:21 is the controlling verse for the passage. There it speaks of mutuality. And we are to honor one another above ourselves. So that’s my uber-short synopsis. And I like Angie’s.
Meekness is, in my mind, too easily associated with mousey-ness. I know that’s not what it means. But I also know we need to use it for more than just a woman’s virtue if it’s every going to be redeemed. Can you describe a meek man? I know Jesus was, but let’s put some flesh on that.
Nice use of cooperate here. I think mutual cooperation combined with Angie’s words are a great start to this definition.
I like cooperate, too. That word conveys their partnership outlined in Ge 1. Replenishing, multiplying, subduing, ruling, and reigning was intended to be a cooperative effort (partnership) between male and female, each contributing out of their abundance.
My first thoughts when I see the word meek are: cowering, small, quiet, blends into the background. Some of these can be good and humble qualities but my immediate thought of meek is more as one who allows others to take the reins, is willing to be trampled on, won’t speak up or share their opinion, that sort of thing.
I love that idea from Deborah though – I am sure it is redeemable. The meek shall inherit the earth,right? I have wondered a long time what that meant. The humble? The lowly perhaps? Those that don’t seek attention, that live their lives selflessly?
I think, to us humans, meek is a weak word because it sounds powerless, without authority or attention.
But, as so often is God’s way, he sees the opposite as beautiful, not the powerful but the weak, not the popular but the outcast, not the attention-seekers but the quiet, background folks.
Yes – I think meek probably really means humble, selfless, not living for glory or praise, gentle.
If so, a meek husband sounds desirable just as a meek wife.
Model christian marriage. The word “shared” comes to mind. Life is shared, it is not authority of one over the other. It is discovering each others gifts and uplifting them. Giving space for growth and challenge and acceptance to each other.
C.J.
Meek – willing to be trampled on.. yes most people feel that when they hear the word. I know I do.
Lowly is a word that has more hope, perhaps means more because it’s used less? Meek must include humility, but not the doormat kind. I think of a meek man as one who uses his strengths for service, the same would work for a woman. A female who uses her fashion sense to serve her husband, her children, her own body.. this is meekness. A woman who uses her business savvy to help a non-profit grow, to seek donors, to make connections is being meek.
But isn’t meekness more than simply service? Isn’t it the polar opposite of meekness, envy? In other words a meek woman wouldn’t be threatened by a more beautiful woman or a more intelligent, athletic, fashionable than her. She would be glad such a woman exists.
IF envy is one of the particular pitfalls of women I can see how Paul would specifically command women to be meek?
I believe meekness requires power.
Amen, to wanting a meek husband… but man, that word just has been so misunderstood.
I think I’ll be using gentle and lowly instead, for awhile.
“Shared” yes, I like that, not over or under, but mutual sharing.
Yes, so many places for redemption and thought. Even humility is seen as negative, as you noted “not the doormat kind”.
I was talking with someone recently, who is receiving counselling, and was challenged in the way the Christian faith calls us to be humble, to not be prideful – for the two of us chatting, the way we were taught ended up leading us to feel guilty of success, hiding our good marks so we didn’t intimdate others or make them feel bad, diminishing our gifts or accomplishments because that is prideful and selfish.
I think this is a shame but another way humility and meekness is misinterpreted. God called us to be truly ourselves, gifted us in unique ways and wants us to live that wholly. A lot of christian language really diminishes that because we are constantly reminded of how flawed and sinful and unworthy we are.
I LOVE the idea of envy as opposite, had not thought of it that way. But very true. And very very challenging – knowing my capacity for envy, I see how far from meek I am (and yes, Paul was correct in drawing attention to women in this regard)! It makes sense, we are not only serving with our own gifts but embracing and encouraging others to serve with theirs. Living fully human and wanting others to be as fully alive to their purpose as we are.
What power meekness requires thinking of it in this way. To truly shed my comparisons and critiques and desire the best in others. And even giving myself the space to use my gifts – not belittle them – but see their place and purpose is a challenge. It is almost easier to be meek – and allow myself to not fulfill my potential, act as though I’m not gifted or useful and just go along with others.
This shame of our good marks is more noted among women than men, as women punish other successful women more severely and don’t see success as a virtue to be celebrated, rather a threat to be feared. I think female shame for success has become the evil twin (imposter) of humility. It keeps women from being truly humble.
At core I think our shame in our success is rooted in our co-dendency (as my therapist friend says, “I’m only okay if you’re okay.”). So we share a success, we see fear or disapproval and we back-pedal, essentially taking ownership of their unhappiness as our own. Jesus never did this… because he had true love which requires calmly placed, steadily held boundaries.
Dale wrote about the “Worm theology” of much of Christian thought (especially in our “praise and worship” songs) that makes us feel more worthless than merely unworthy for God’s love. You’d enjoy reading about the distinction here: http://soulation.org/breakfastreading/?p=728
Benji, a Breakfast Reading fan wrote me awhile ago in the comments on Breakfast Reading of this great test for true humility. He said I could share it:
Suppose you are on a sports team. You are by far the highest scorer on the team. You enjoy using your abilities to benefit the team, and there is nothing wrong with that. Please understand, humility is NOT trying to deny the talents God has given you so you are free to enjoy them to their fullest. But one day something changes. A new member joins the team, and that person starts to score more than you. What do you feel? How do you react?
This IS the test of your humility. Are you glad that the team now has ANOTHER good player, or are you jealous that you are no longer THE high scorer.
You see the difference? If your reaction is jealousy then you aren’t using your abilities to help the TEAM. You are using them to help YOURSELF. Because if you really cared about the team, you’d be happy that someone else can help the team, whether or not YOU are doing it.
This IS humility – the balance between self deprivation and arrogance. God doesn’t want us to deny our abilities. Quite the contrary, He gave them to us for our enjoyment and it is an insult to an omnipotent omniscient God to say we have no talents to use for His glory. However, we must never forget WHO gave us the talents we are enjoying. We must never forget the same God that gave us our talents has given others incredible gifts as well. We must never cease to use our talents to help other’s enjoy their own gifts and use their own abilities for God.
Really enjoying your processing of this, it’s helping me, too!
Thanks – I’m really enjoying the process as well! – the codependency is so key – absolutely. Boundaries – that’s something to think about. I was thinking recently about my own empathy. And realized that I take on others’ feelings in a way that is more than empathetic. Their feeling becomes mine. I will do what others prefer so they are happy and I’ll feel content because everyone around me is ok…not healthy! Clearly a place where boundaries need to be set up. Do you have any references/resources – biblical or otherwise – pertaining to emotional boundaries? What those look like? I’d be interested to pursue the topic.
Benji’s quote is great – very clear where the motivation lies.
And thanks for the worm theology link….really interested to read it!
Yes, empathy gone wrong, or gone too extreme. I relate to that struggle too. I think of empathy as the ability to feel the pain of another person. I think codependency creeps when I think my feeling WITH them means I must act FOR them.
Have you read The Dance of Anger by Herriot Learner? This book helped me work through the roots of my codependency.
Also, Please Don’t Say You Need Me: Biblical Answers for CoDependency by Jan Silvious.. excellent for some Biblical direction when codependency creeps into friendships.
Meek. This is a favorite of mine. I grew up internalizing that meekness has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength (and the way it’s used). “Strength under control” is the way I’ve always applied it. When a powerful man or woman has the humility and grace to control that strength with gentleness (a work of God, I feel), this is a far greater picture of meekness than a weak or mousy person. I guess I’ve never seen it as a gender-specific adjective, but rather a high attribute equally accessible to both men and women.
The meekest person I know is my husband. He has an incredibly strong mind and a large strong body. He can do whatever he wills with it, however he wills with it. Yet he is the gentlest, most gracious creature I’ve experienced. A small picture and example of the way he displays this gentleness is the way he eagerly holds a baby (not just his own, but any baby). Large dark body hunched over and curved forward to surround the infant while his hard arms become a bird’s nest for the little one. It takes physical and emotional meekness or gentleness to be able to do that. The same hands that can effortlessly hunt and kill an innocent animal to eat, are the same hands that can cradle and soothe a tiny human life. It’s knowing when and how to apply might, and when and how not to apply it in that same way. But, if/when he is being shoved in one way or another, he doesn’t hesitate to come back against negative opposition for himself, his family, or for the helpless. He’ll swiftly and successfully push back with unhindered force and strength, if needed. The marriage of strength and power with gentleness and humilty- how beautiful it is to have such meekness as this. It’s a thing I seek for myself. Truly, Jesus was the perfection of this. I wanna grow up to be like him.
I should have better worded, “…a high attritribute equally accessible, in different ways, to both men and women.” Because meekness has much to do the gentle use and discipline of a strength, and because men and women’s strengths can often be different, I think their individual coming into meekness would be be just as different as the diverse strengths themselves.
Not powerless. Not trampled. But strong enough to respond with mild emotions in the face of provocation. That takes an incredibly strong man OR woman. Understanding meekness this way, though, helps me see why Paul specifically gives women the instruction to have a meek spirit. Many of us are not naturally prone to mild emotional responses.
P.S. Caveat: Of course, some situations demand more than a mild emotional response. The key is that a strong, Spirit-empowered individual will have the discipline/self-control to steward emotions and the wisdom to understand when the strength can be unleashed and the intense emotions brought into play.
(to be read in teasing tone) Ok Miss M… yes this is the true definition.. BUT what does mildness mean?
How do you understand mildness… it seems it could veer into apathy? Can you put some flesh on this word for us? Or an example?
I love hearing again and again from you my readers that Spirit-empowered women (and men) work to find the appropriate response to the situation… meekness may be inappropriate, just as intensity might be, depending on the situation. It was wise on Friday for me to hold back my tears so I could care for Finn and Dale in the ER, so I could speak on Friday night.
It was also wise for me to be clear and angry and cry when hurt so that I do not harbor bitterness or false intimacy and stuff and stuff and stuff.
To stuff or not to stuff, that is the question. The Spirit is the best guide on this.
I think women have more emotional intensity to share with this world, if we’d only care enough for our emotions to cultivate them as much as we do, say, our children, or our physical strength, or our skills, or our appearance.
When women (or men) let others trample them in the name of meekness, when it’s not really meekness that they’re displaying. Letting someone sin, while I sigh and say “oh, well, I must be meek” isn’t truly the meekness of Christ or Moses. That is one of the situations when the strength might need to be unleashed and intensity expressed. So let me start over and try to articulate a better developed response.
I’ve heard meekness defined as power under control, but I think it’s bigger than that. I think it’s power under control, EVIDENCED by a woman’s (I’ll stick with my gender for consistency, especially since this has been my experience) ability to rein in her responses so that the responses are not wild or out-of-control. The antitheses of meekness are the eruptions of emotion—lashing out, responding impulsively without taking time to understand or assess the situation (James 1:19-20 is another word picture of meekness), flexing emotional, verbal and mental muscles to gain dominance as a show of power (power not under control!), demanding recognition, tongue-lashings, non-verbal emotional manipulation, etc.
I appreciate and agree with your wording: some do not see sacrifice except as servitude, and reject any notion that servitude could be honorable. “Me, a servant?! Never! And I’ll despise anyone who willingly chooses to be a servant.” Yet being a Christ-follower calls us to servanthood (Matt 10:27-28), and many in our world will misunderstand and reject such humility.
Meekness is one of those conversations that, for me, comes to a point where (a) I acknowledge that God calls me to display it, (b) I need to understand what it really is, and the definition I offered has been helpful to me in that regard, (c) I need to pursue it, whether other people understand it or not, and (d) I need to exercise enough wisdom to know when to keep silent and trust God and when to unleash the intensity. One of the things I consider when weighing my response, is what’s at stake. Is it my reputation that’s at stake, or is God’s kingdom at stake? In the process of leaving the ministry in Wisconsin that was so unhealthy, there were moments when I wanted to respond with great emotional intensity because my husband was being slandered; but he asked me to stay silent and trust God. As the dust settled, our silence in that area proved to be the best response and ultimately vindicated Jason more than anything I could have said. (That was a powerful lesson for me to learn!!) However, there were other moments when people were being hurt by those in authority, truth was being distorted, and God’s kingdom was ignored while a personal kingdom was being built. In those moments, neither one of us stayed quiet. Yes, I was accused of not keeping my place, but it wasn’t about meekness then. It was about leaders trying to misconstrue the definition of meekness in order to protect their agenda. I would never encourage anyone—man or woman—to enable an authority to redefine meekness for his/her own gain.
At the same time, I’d encourage far more Christ-followers to develop genuine meekness—the strength of Christ under the control of the Spirit, expressed through gentle emotional responses.
Does that make more sense? Because I actually don’t think I disagree with anything you wrote.
Yes, this makes more sense to me. Grateful you took time to write it out!
Wondering if you could help me tease apart another aspect.
My original quote above in this post, was written for a book, UnChristian, and then re-quoted in Washington Post, was written with the assignment of explaining what Christendom will look like in 50+years.
I wrote that Christian woman will no longer be content to be considered meek, fully intending the common (if bastardized) meaning of the word i.e. subjugated, trampled, mousy.
I do, however, believe Jesus wants us to pursue the virtue of meekness.
How do we re-claim this word “meek” when to do so requires this much commenting and explanatory work (we’re up to 29 comments now)? Do we keep using the word and remain misunderstood?
Do we explain what we mean by “meek” and hope our audience will change their definition on the spot?
Or do we boldly refute the very word used in Scripture as it’s been diluted to show we are not threatened to use different words to talk about the same core thing? namely, self-control, emotional strength, integrity of response and purposeful engagement with others.
This is the dilemma of those who attempt to communicate the good news, as it was meant, to be, good.
Would love any feedback from you Melinda, or anyone else who’s read this far.
Well, 1 example in Matthew 5:5 says Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
I would hope to be in the category of a meek woman…it is praised & blessed in God’s eyes. Meekness for me means a strength that goes beyond words, but places her heart and mind in the very depths of God. It doesn’t mean to be weak and enslaved or even quiet for that matter…but a meek spirit is willing to listen and discern very carefully and fully leaning on her relationship with the Father.
Perhaps not a great “list”…definitely not exhaustive and perhaps very personal. I don’t get why meekness gets shortchanged…God praises and rewards meekness. I’ve heard it called an “unconditional surrender to God’s will”.
I believe that a wife who displays meekness to God will be a great partner to her husband. So a meek wife would mean that a husband is rather blessed…it means to me that the wife has dedicated her life unconditional to following Christ. What Christian husband wouldn’t want a wife who is bent on following God?
I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a word I hope describes me as I con’t to walk with Christ…meekness is very God-centered and not self-centered. I have a long way to go.
Yes, Elizabeth, meekness is still a virtue. But what I think we’re trying to tease out here is why the words “sounds” so negative.. how have other people tweaked it and thereby harmed our ability to really understand it properly, as Jesus meant it. For instance, meekness gets misunderstood to mean the same thing as “wimpy” “spineless” “useless when it comes to real life” “cowardly”
All things I don’t think Jesus meant. I’m not sure unconditional surrender is something God wants, ever, in us. I know this is controversial, but the idea of unconditional surrender are ideas that grate against me because they can sound like “will-less-ness.” But maybe you mean something different by them? Can you give me some Biblical places you think unconditional surrender is something you think God is asking for?
As to the question of why wouldn’t a husband want a meek wife, I think this takes the question to a point I’m not sure is helpful. For instance, a man may want lots of things from a wife.. his wanting, however, doesn’t mean the quality is good or godly. I see what you’re getting at, that meekness is a valuable trait both to own and to share, but in that vein I believe a husband should also have meekness as your ref to Matt 5:5 demonstrates.
I like how you said meekness is willing to listen and discern, not enslaved… nice qualities to add to this discussion. Since the word has been so misused (for instance see here: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/meek) and has actually morphed, we may need to update it to “forbearance” or “long-suffering” or “gentleness.
But, in the true sense of meek, yes, I want this virtue, too.
It reads in her article that Lisa Miller doesn’t know what meekness is, but understands the overused misunderstood version. Scripture says the meek will inherit the earth. That sounds pretty freakin’ strong to me (excuse the expression). The God I believe in has many good qualities, which we can reflect in our broken human state when we’re closest to Him – including meekness – like Moses (who some call the meekest man in Scripture) and Yeshua (Jesus) when he was here with us on earth. It doesn’t say anything about men or women, but about the heart – the kingdom where we choose each day to either surrender our reigns to God, or grab the bit into our teeth and fight Him. It’s where our battles are fought and either lost or won. Meekness is spiritual power that is wise and beautiful and strong, loves others and is self-aware but when someone else may not make as good a pie, still knowing mine is better, telling them they did a great job because they did. It’s awesome, beautiful strength under God, doing the daily dying to self Paul described. It’s the wings as eagles described in Isaiah, and the stuff of Esther when she dealt with the situation with Haman. Ultimately, it’s the Messiah’s act on the Cross – the greatest meekness in history, and I love him for it.
Meekness to me means: “controlled power”, or a deliberate and thoughtful dispensation of might especially in the presence of provocation or a valid/justified reason to retaliate. So, a type of mature humility.
But, it is true that when used in conjunction with women or men for that matter – it takes on a different connotation – sometimes negative.
If I had to describe the model Christian union I would have to say that it is first and foremost characterized by respect and celebration. And, rather than a die-hard commitment to a formula – that the couple would find out what works for them in terms of roles. However, I think that more often than not couples are given a confusing message – they are to have a sacred union, but should also be accountable to the community at large. Meaning, if they do somehow defy any kind of convention – they have to EXPLAIN themselves and JUSTIFY themselves. And, that can be exhausting.
Also, just judging by the amount of pop culture relationship/marriage advice that is out there – one feels scared whether what works for them (i.e. if wife is a better planner and money manager) is “wrong” and if their relationship is “doomed” because of it. A lot of fear sometimes. And, sometimes, people tell you “it won’t work in the long-term” because, you’re “not doing the relationship in the CORRECT way”.
So, I would say that one other aspect of a model Christian marriage is FREEDOM.
When I hear meek, I usually think of “weak” or “timid”. I imagine a person with little personality and is passive – easily taken advantage of and trod upon.
But in a sermon I heard, the speaker defined meekness as “bridled strength” and compared it to a horse. Horses are powerful, magnificent creatures. No one looks at a bridled horse and thinks: “what a week animal!”. I prefer this definition and think it’s much more biblical. When Jesus hung on the cross he was meek – in this point of restraint (he did have the power to come down off the cross), he showed his greatest strength.
Are you curious if faith, feminism and Christian womanhood can intersect? You've found the crossroads. Ruby Slippers is the sparkly nexus of femininity, spirituality and sexual renewal.
November 10th, 2011 at 11:13 am
To the 2nd set of questions off the top of my head:
A model Christian marriage is a man and a woman whose duty is to give out of their abundance (strengths, skills, aptitudes, talents, perspectives)and partner with their mate to fulfill the commission to reign as stewards of God’s good creation. Both partners in doing so seek the good of the other which requires the practice of Christ-like virtues.
November 11th, 2011 at 8:29 am
Angie,
Wow, that’s a full, beautiful list.
So, can I push you on it? What do you do when you’ve got no abundance to give out?
Also, can you give a list of some of these Christ-like virtues?
November 11th, 2011 at 9:48 am
Again, off the top of my head….
I suspect that when we’ve got no abundance to give out it may have more to do with feelings, which are subjective, than reality. Though, I do recall having expressed before that I have “no creativity left”. In hindsight, it had more to do with being tired—physically and emotionally. When we are refreshed and well, I think we tend to have the energy that propels us to give out of our abundance.
Christ Followers should seek the good of others, in this case our mate and employ qualities or strengths that benefit our mate. Seeking the good of another at times will look like humility, peacemaking, tenderness, phileo, serving, self-sacrificing, deference, etc., but it will on more than one occasion in sustained committed marriage require boldness, initiative, confrontation, resoluteness, speaking the truth in love, etc.
Being led by the Spirit is important for sensing what the situation requires, or more specifically, how your mate can best be served.
I hope that helps. Thanks for asking.
November 14th, 2011 at 8:53 am
Angie,
I loved the lists you shared showing how Jesus followers will be sharing different things depending on the occasion. Your list is life-giving… thank you, especially the part of being led by then Spirit.
Rest, knowing when and how and how much, is another virtue I’d add to tackle the lack of abundance that seems to plague most marriages.
Thank you.
November 10th, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Congrats on the newspaper attention. I love telling women that meek describes a powerful horse that has learned to channel that power. When women who have never felt allowed to be powerful see that in the Greek it is heartening regardless of their picture of female roles in society and marriage. As for marriage, a quick summary of my view would be that both parties are fully considerate of and cooperative w/ one another and each other’s dreams and abilities. “Cooperate” would, outside of usage in military contexts, quite arguably be the best definition of how the Greeks used the word submission, and Eph 5:21 is the controlling verse for the passage. There it speaks of mutuality. And we are to honor one another above ourselves. So that’s my uber-short synopsis. And I like Angie’s.
November 11th, 2011 at 8:31 am
Deborah,
Meekness is, in my mind, too easily associated with mousey-ness. I know that’s not what it means. But I also know we need to use it for more than just a woman’s virtue if it’s every going to be redeemed. Can you describe a meek man? I know Jesus was, but let’s put some flesh on that.
Nice use of cooperate here. I think mutual cooperation combined with Angie’s words are a great start to this definition.
November 11th, 2011 at 10:00 am
I like cooperate, too. That word conveys their partnership outlined in Ge 1. Replenishing, multiplying, subduing, ruling, and reigning was intended to be a cooperative effort (partnership) between male and female, each contributing out of their abundance.
November 14th, 2011 at 9:04 am
Yes, cooperate.
November 11th, 2011 at 7:09 am
My first thoughts when I see the word meek are: cowering, small, quiet, blends into the background. Some of these can be good and humble qualities but my immediate thought of meek is more as one who allows others to take the reins, is willing to be trampled on, won’t speak up or share their opinion, that sort of thing.
I love that idea from Deborah though – I am sure it is redeemable. The meek shall inherit the earth,right? I have wondered a long time what that meant. The humble? The lowly perhaps? Those that don’t seek attention, that live their lives selflessly?
I think, to us humans, meek is a weak word because it sounds powerless, without authority or attention.
But, as so often is God’s way, he sees the opposite as beautiful, not the powerful but the weak, not the popular but the outcast, not the attention-seekers but the quiet, background folks.
Yes – I think meek probably really means humble, selfless, not living for glory or praise, gentle.
If so, a meek husband sounds desirable just as a meek wife.
Model christian marriage. The word “shared” comes to mind. Life is shared, it is not authority of one over the other. It is discovering each others gifts and uplifting them. Giving space for growth and challenge and acceptance to each other.
November 11th, 2011 at 8:37 am
C.J.
Meek – willing to be trampled on.. yes most people feel that when they hear the word. I know I do.
Lowly is a word that has more hope, perhaps means more because it’s used less? Meek must include humility, but not the doormat kind. I think of a meek man as one who uses his strengths for service, the same would work for a woman. A female who uses her fashion sense to serve her husband, her children, her own body.. this is meekness. A woman who uses her business savvy to help a non-profit grow, to seek donors, to make connections is being meek.
But isn’t meekness more than simply service? Isn’t it the polar opposite of meekness, envy? In other words a meek woman wouldn’t be threatened by a more beautiful woman or a more intelligent, athletic, fashionable than her. She would be glad such a woman exists.
IF envy is one of the particular pitfalls of women I can see how Paul would specifically command women to be meek?
I believe meekness requires power.
Amen, to wanting a meek husband… but man, that word just has been so misunderstood.
I think I’ll be using gentle and lowly instead, for awhile.
“Shared” yes, I like that, not over or under, but mutual sharing.
November 11th, 2011 at 9:55 am
Yes, so many places for redemption and thought. Even humility is seen as negative, as you noted “not the doormat kind”.
I was talking with someone recently, who is receiving counselling, and was challenged in the way the Christian faith calls us to be humble, to not be prideful – for the two of us chatting, the way we were taught ended up leading us to feel guilty of success, hiding our good marks so we didn’t intimdate others or make them feel bad, diminishing our gifts or accomplishments because that is prideful and selfish.
I think this is a shame but another way humility and meekness is misinterpreted. God called us to be truly ourselves, gifted us in unique ways and wants us to live that wholly. A lot of christian language really diminishes that because we are constantly reminded of how flawed and sinful and unworthy we are.
I LOVE the idea of envy as opposite, had not thought of it that way. But very true. And very very challenging – knowing my capacity for envy, I see how far from meek I am (and yes, Paul was correct in drawing attention to women in this regard)! It makes sense, we are not only serving with our own gifts but embracing and encouraging others to serve with theirs. Living fully human and wanting others to be as fully alive to their purpose as we are.
What power meekness requires thinking of it in this way. To truly shed my comparisons and critiques and desire the best in others. And even giving myself the space to use my gifts – not belittle them – but see their place and purpose is a challenge. It is almost easier to be meek – and allow myself to not fulfill my potential, act as though I’m not gifted or useful and just go along with others.
November 14th, 2011 at 9:04 am
C.J.
This shame of our good marks is more noted among women than men, as women punish other successful women more severely and don’t see success as a virtue to be celebrated, rather a threat to be feared. I think female shame for success has become the evil twin (imposter) of humility. It keeps women from being truly humble.
At core I think our shame in our success is rooted in our co-dendency (as my therapist friend says, “I’m only okay if you’re okay.”). So we share a success, we see fear or disapproval and we back-pedal, essentially taking ownership of their unhappiness as our own. Jesus never did this… because he had true love which requires calmly placed, steadily held boundaries.
Dale wrote about the “Worm theology” of much of Christian thought (especially in our “praise and worship” songs) that makes us feel more worthless than merely unworthy for God’s love. You’d enjoy reading about the distinction here: http://soulation.org/breakfastreading/?p=728
Benji, a Breakfast Reading fan wrote me awhile ago in the comments on Breakfast Reading of this great test for true humility. He said I could share it:
Suppose you are on a sports team. You are by far the highest scorer on the team. You enjoy using your abilities to benefit the team, and there is nothing wrong with that. Please understand, humility is NOT trying to deny the talents God has given you so you are free to enjoy them to their fullest. But one day something changes. A new member joins the team, and that person starts to score more than you. What do you feel? How do you react?
This IS the test of your humility. Are you glad that the team now has ANOTHER good player, or are you jealous that you are no longer THE high scorer.
You see the difference? If your reaction is jealousy then you aren’t using your abilities to help the TEAM. You are using them to help YOURSELF. Because if you really cared about the team, you’d be happy that someone else can help the team, whether or not YOU are doing it.
This IS humility – the balance between self deprivation and arrogance. God doesn’t want us to deny our abilities. Quite the contrary, He gave them to us for our enjoyment and it is an insult to an omnipotent omniscient God to say we have no talents to use for His glory. However, we must never forget WHO gave us the talents we are enjoying. We must never forget the same God that gave us our talents has given others incredible gifts as well. We must never cease to use our talents to help other’s enjoy their own gifts and use their own abilities for God.
Really enjoying your processing of this, it’s helping me, too!
Thank you for this discussion
November 14th, 2011 at 10:51 am
Thanks – I’m really enjoying the process as well! – the codependency is so key – absolutely. Boundaries – that’s something to think about. I was thinking recently about my own empathy. And realized that I take on others’ feelings in a way that is more than empathetic. Their feeling becomes mine. I will do what others prefer so they are happy and I’ll feel content because everyone around me is ok…not healthy! Clearly a place where boundaries need to be set up. Do you have any references/resources – biblical or otherwise – pertaining to emotional boundaries? What those look like? I’d be interested to pursue the topic.
Benji’s quote is great – very clear where the motivation lies.
And thanks for the worm theology link….really interested to read it!
November 17th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
C.J.
Yes, empathy gone wrong, or gone too extreme. I relate to that struggle too. I think of empathy as the ability to feel the pain of another person. I think codependency creeps when I think my feeling WITH them means I must act FOR them.
Have you read The Dance of Anger by Herriot Learner? This book helped me work through the roots of my codependency.
Also, Please Don’t Say You Need Me: Biblical Answers for CoDependency by Jan Silvious.. excellent for some Biblical direction when codependency creeps into friendships.
Hope that helps!
Thanks for asking.
February 7th, 2012 at 6:53 pm
just ordered The Dance of Anger! Really excited to read this, thanks for recommending it
February 8th, 2012 at 10:11 am
C.J.
That’s an amazing and helpful book! Let me know what you think.
November 13th, 2011 at 11:34 am
Meek. This is a favorite of mine. I grew up internalizing that meekness has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength (and the way it’s used). “Strength under control” is the way I’ve always applied it. When a powerful man or woman has the humility and grace to control that strength with gentleness (a work of God, I feel), this is a far greater picture of meekness than a weak or mousy person. I guess I’ve never seen it as a gender-specific adjective, but rather a high attribute equally accessible to both men and women.
The meekest person I know is my husband. He has an incredibly strong mind and a large strong body. He can do whatever he wills with it, however he wills with it. Yet he is the gentlest, most gracious creature I’ve experienced. A small picture and example of the way he displays this gentleness is the way he eagerly holds a baby (not just his own, but any baby). Large dark body hunched over and curved forward to surround the infant while his hard arms become a bird’s nest for the little one. It takes physical and emotional meekness or gentleness to be able to do that. The same hands that can effortlessly hunt and kill an innocent animal to eat, are the same hands that can cradle and soothe a tiny human life. It’s knowing when and how to apply might, and when and how not to apply it in that same way. But, if/when he is being shoved in one way or another, he doesn’t hesitate to come back against negative opposition for himself, his family, or for the helpless. He’ll swiftly and successfully push back with unhindered force and strength, if needed. The marriage of strength and power with gentleness and humilty- how beautiful it is to have such meekness as this. It’s a thing I seek for myself. Truly, Jesus was the perfection of this. I wanna grow up to be like him.
November 14th, 2011 at 9:06 am
Amy,
Yes, a high attribute equally accessible and desirable in both men and women. It is the high courtesy of heaven to be meek.
I value this picture of Asa.. thank you for sharing it with us. I can see him. Makes me want to know him better, too.
Do you think men and women will show meekness differently if their strengths differ?
November 14th, 2011 at 10:43 am
I should have better worded, “…a high attritribute equally accessible, in different ways, to both men and women.” Because meekness has much to do the gentle use and discipline of a strength, and because men and women’s strengths can often be different, I think their individual coming into meekness would be be just as different as the diverse strengths themselves.
November 17th, 2011 at 11:25 am
yes, agreed!
November 13th, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Meekness=mild emotional response
Not powerless. Not trampled. But strong enough to respond with mild emotions in the face of provocation. That takes an incredibly strong man OR woman. Understanding meekness this way, though, helps me see why Paul specifically gives women the instruction to have a meek spirit. Many of us are not naturally prone to mild emotional responses.
P.S. Caveat: Of course, some situations demand more than a mild emotional response. The key is that a strong, Spirit-empowered individual will have the discipline/self-control to steward emotions and the wisdom to understand when the strength can be unleashed and the intense emotions brought into play.
November 14th, 2011 at 9:12 am
(to be read in teasing tone) Ok Miss M… yes this is the true definition.. BUT what does mildness mean?
How do you understand mildness… it seems it could veer into apathy? Can you put some flesh on this word for us? Or an example?
I love hearing again and again from you my readers that Spirit-empowered women (and men) work to find the appropriate response to the situation… meekness may be inappropriate, just as intensity might be, depending on the situation. It was wise on Friday for me to hold back my tears so I could care for Finn and Dale in the ER, so I could speak on Friday night.
It was also wise for me to be clear and angry and cry when hurt so that I do not harbor bitterness or false intimacy and stuff and stuff and stuff.
To stuff or not to stuff, that is the question.
The Spirit is the best guide on this.
I think women have more emotional intensity to share with this world, if we’d only care enough for our emotions to cultivate them as much as we do, say, our children, or our physical strength, or our skills, or our appearance.
December 6th, 2011 at 8:44 am
When women (or men) let others trample them in the name of meekness, when it’s not really meekness that they’re displaying. Letting someone sin, while I sigh and say “oh, well, I must be meek” isn’t truly the meekness of Christ or Moses. That is one of the situations when the strength might need to be unleashed and intensity expressed. So let me start over and try to articulate a better developed response.
I’ve heard meekness defined as power under control, but I think it’s bigger than that. I think it’s power under control, EVIDENCED by a woman’s (I’ll stick with my gender for consistency, especially since this has been my experience)
ability to rein in her responses so that the responses are not wild or out-of-control. The antitheses of meekness are the eruptions of emotion—lashing out, responding impulsively without taking time to understand or assess the situation (James 1:19-20 is another word picture of meekness), flexing emotional, verbal and mental muscles to gain dominance as a show of power (power not under control!), demanding recognition, tongue-lashings, non-verbal emotional manipulation, etc.
I appreciate and agree with your wording: some do not see sacrifice except as servitude, and reject any notion that servitude could be honorable. “Me, a servant?! Never! And I’ll despise anyone who willingly chooses to be a servant.” Yet being a Christ-follower calls us to servanthood (Matt 10:27-28), and many in our world will misunderstand and reject such humility.
Meekness is one of those conversations that, for me, comes to a point where (a) I acknowledge that God calls me to display it, (b) I need to understand what it really is, and the definition I offered has been helpful to me in that regard, (c) I need to pursue it, whether other people understand it or not, and (d) I need to exercise enough wisdom to know when to keep silent and trust God and when to unleash the intensity. One of the things I consider when weighing my response, is what’s at stake. Is it my reputation that’s at stake, or is God’s kingdom at stake? In the process of leaving the ministry in Wisconsin that was so unhealthy, there were moments when I wanted to respond with great emotional intensity because my husband was being slandered; but he asked me to stay silent and trust God. As the dust settled, our silence in that area proved to be the best response and ultimately vindicated Jason more than anything I could have said. (That was a powerful lesson for me to learn!!) However, there were other moments when people were being hurt by those in authority, truth was being distorted, and God’s kingdom was ignored while a personal kingdom was being built. In those moments, neither one of us stayed quiet. Yes, I was accused of not keeping my place, but it wasn’t about meekness then. It was about leaders trying to misconstrue the definition of meekness in order to protect their agenda. I would never encourage anyone—man or woman—to enable an authority to redefine meekness for his/her own gain.
At the same time, I’d encourage far more Christ-followers to develop genuine meekness—the strength of Christ under the control of the Spirit, expressed through gentle emotional responses.
Does that make more sense? Because I actually don’t think I disagree with anything you wrote.
December 6th, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Yes, this makes more sense to me. Grateful you took time to write it out!
Wondering if you could help me tease apart another aspect.
My original quote above in this post, was written for a book, UnChristian, and then re-quoted in Washington Post, was written with the assignment of explaining what Christendom will look like in 50+years.
I wrote that Christian woman will no longer be content to be considered meek, fully intending the common (if bastardized) meaning of the word i.e. subjugated, trampled, mousy.
I do, however, believe Jesus wants us to pursue the virtue of meekness.
How do we re-claim this word “meek” when to do so requires this much commenting and explanatory work (we’re up to 29 comments now)? Do we keep using the word and remain misunderstood?
Do we explain what we mean by “meek” and hope our audience will change their definition on the spot?
Or do we boldly refute the very word used in Scripture as it’s been diluted to show we are not threatened to use different words to talk about the same core thing? namely, self-control, emotional strength, integrity of response and purposeful engagement with others.
This is the dilemma of those who attempt to communicate the good news, as it was meant, to be, good.
Would love any feedback from you Melinda, or anyone else who’s read this far.
November 14th, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Melinda-Just wanted to say that I love this.
November 14th, 2011 at 7:31 pm
Well, 1 example in Matthew 5:5 says Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
I would hope to be in the category of a meek woman…it is praised & blessed in God’s eyes. Meekness for me means a strength that goes beyond words, but places her heart and mind in the very depths of God. It doesn’t mean to be weak and enslaved or even quiet for that matter…but a meek spirit is willing to listen and discern very carefully and fully leaning on her relationship with the Father.
Perhaps not a great “list”…definitely not exhaustive and perhaps very personal. I don’t get why meekness gets shortchanged…God praises and rewards meekness. I’ve heard it called an “unconditional surrender to God’s will”.
I believe that a wife who displays meekness to God will be a great partner to her husband. So a meek wife would mean that a husband is rather blessed…it means to me that the wife has dedicated her life unconditional to following Christ. What Christian husband wouldn’t want a wife who is bent on following God?
I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a word I hope describes me as I con’t to walk with Christ…meekness is very God-centered and not self-centered. I have a long way to go.
November 17th, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Yes, Elizabeth, meekness is still a virtue. But what I think we’re trying to tease out here is why the words “sounds” so negative.. how have other people tweaked it and thereby harmed our ability to really understand it properly, as Jesus meant it. For instance, meekness gets misunderstood to mean the same thing as “wimpy” “spineless” “useless when it comes to real life” “cowardly”
All things I don’t think Jesus meant. I’m not sure unconditional surrender is something God wants, ever, in us. I know this is controversial, but the idea of unconditional surrender are ideas that grate against me because they can sound like “will-less-ness.” But maybe you mean something different by them? Can you give me some Biblical places you think unconditional surrender is something you think God is asking for?
As to the question of why wouldn’t a husband want a meek wife, I think this takes the question to a point I’m not sure is helpful. For instance, a man may want lots of things from a wife.. his wanting, however, doesn’t mean the quality is good or godly. I see what you’re getting at, that meekness is a valuable trait both to own and to share, but in that vein I believe a husband should also have meekness as your ref to Matt 5:5 demonstrates.
I like how you said meekness is willing to listen and discern, not enslaved… nice qualities to add to this discussion. Since the word has been so misused (for instance see here: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/meek) and has actually morphed, we may need to update it to “forbearance” or “long-suffering” or “gentleness.
But, in the true sense of meek, yes, I want this virtue, too.
Thank you!
November 14th, 2011 at 8:43 pm
It reads in her article that Lisa Miller doesn’t know what meekness is, but understands the overused misunderstood version. Scripture says the meek will inherit the earth. That sounds pretty freakin’ strong to me (excuse the expression). The God I believe in has many good qualities, which we can reflect in our broken human state when we’re closest to Him – including meekness – like Moses (who some call the meekest man in Scripture) and Yeshua (Jesus) when he was here with us on earth. It doesn’t say anything about men or women, but about the heart – the kingdom where we choose each day to either surrender our reigns to God, or grab the bit into our teeth and fight Him. It’s where our battles are fought and either lost or won. Meekness is spiritual power that is wise and beautiful and strong, loves others and is self-aware but when someone else may not make as good a pie, still knowing mine is better, telling them they did a great job because they did. It’s awesome, beautiful strength under God, doing the daily dying to self Paul described. It’s the wings as eagles described in Isaiah, and the stuff of Esther when she dealt with the situation with Haman. Ultimately, it’s the Messiah’s act on the Cross – the greatest meekness in history, and I love him for it.
November 17th, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Mandy,
thank you for pointing us to Moses, the meekest (humblest) man who lived save Jesus, and Esther, Paul and Messiah.
I really resonate with this “meekness is spiritual power that is wise, beautiful and strong.” Yes, wise and self-aware, not namby-pamby.
Fantastic examples, Mandy!
November 15th, 2011 at 2:29 pm
Meekness to me means: “controlled power”, or a deliberate and thoughtful dispensation of might especially in the presence of provocation or a valid/justified reason to retaliate. So, a type of mature humility.
But, it is true that when used in conjunction with women or men for that matter – it takes on a different connotation – sometimes negative.
If I had to describe the model Christian union I would have to say that it is first and foremost characterized by respect and celebration. And, rather than a die-hard commitment to a formula – that the couple would find out what works for them in terms of roles. However, I think that more often than not couples are given a confusing message – they are to have a sacred union, but should also be accountable to the community at large. Meaning, if they do somehow defy any kind of convention – they have to EXPLAIN themselves and JUSTIFY themselves. And, that can be exhausting.
Also, just judging by the amount of pop culture relationship/marriage advice that is out there – one feels scared whether what works for them (i.e. if wife is a better planner and money manager) is “wrong” and if their relationship is “doomed” because of it. A lot of fear sometimes. And, sometimes, people tell you “it won’t work in the long-term” because, you’re “not doing the relationship in the CORRECT way”.
So, I would say that one other aspect of a model Christian marriage is FREEDOM.
November 17th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
thank you Anon P… love that you introduced “celebration” into the description of a model Christian union.
yes, and freedom.
I couldn’t agree more!
December 7th, 2011 at 8:12 pm
When I hear meek, I usually think of “weak” or “timid”. I imagine a person with little personality and is passive – easily taken advantage of and trod upon.
But in a sermon I heard, the speaker defined meekness as “bridled strength” and compared it to a horse. Horses are powerful, magnificent creatures. No one looks at a bridled horse and thinks: “what a week animal!”. I prefer this definition and think it’s much more biblical. When Jesus hung on the cross he was meek – in this point of restraint (he did have the power to come down off the cross), he showed his greatest strength.
December 9th, 2011 at 10:19 am
Chrissa,
This is a helpful contrast and a great metaphor. We all have an idea of what “meek” means before we’re taught what it really means.
This is the problem I think this post pulls out. Do we use the old word, even though it’s misunderstood?