My parent’s celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary last weekend with a trip to Disneyland. I got a text of my mother riding Space Mountain with my tall father beside her. They were smiling in glee.
Happy 34th Anniversary, Mom and Dad!
I feel their faithfulness to each other remains a diamond-gift to their four children.
When I got married over 10 years ago Dale and I rode a convertible Prowler (thanks, Dad) down Pacific Coast Highway, my veil whipping in the wind. At one red light a van of guys yelled porno suggestions to us.
I had no idea what they were saying, Dale was a little more aware. At the next red light a rough, big dude on a Harley gurgled his beast past our car and then slowly backed to level next to me. I felt my heart go tight. What would he say?
He just stared through his dark lenses.
“Communication,” he roared.
Green light and he was gone.
We laughed and laughed in relief.
Growing up I saw how communication was practiced between my parents, seemed pretty darn smooth.
Later, I learned they did argue, but not in front of us. Advice popular among my parents suggested not fighting in front of the kids as it disturbs their confidence that the marriage is safe. Some disagree now, as Caryn Rivadeniera explains in Duke it Out for Them: Why Kids Need to See Their Parents Fight, I tend to agree with Rivadeniera. But regardless, we could all use some tips on fighting fairly in public or private.
Some colleagues visited us in Steamboat last week, they shared about how one marital counselor told them, “The issue isn’t if you’re going to fight. All couples fight. I want to teach you how to fight fair.”
You can’t eliminate fighting from relationship, that is unless you want to erase yourself. But you can argue, fight, even quarrel while practicing all the fruit of God’s spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control Gal 5:22).
For all those wanting to argue better, a few fighting-fair rules.
The Basic Formula
You want to share something, change something, disagree. Begin with this basic formula, “I feel A because of B” where A = feeling word and B = state of affairs as best you see them.
There are lots of ways to get this seemingly simple statement wrong. “A” must be an emotion, not “I feel like you’re stupid because you didn’t do this right” or “I feel like you’re annoying,” or “I feel like you’re an idiot.” Feeling someone is an idiot is not an emotion. Instead you can say, “I feel ignored because the counter has these crumbs on it.” B must be something you state about the world and not transmogrify into an accusation, such as “I feel ignored because YOU didn’t clean the counter.” Can you hear the blame?
Give it a whirl. What do you need to fight over? Approach with the basic formula, approach with a tone of revealing yourself not accusing them. If you’re unsure, try out a few in the comments and I’ll walk you through.
Some successful formulas I’ve used, “I feel disrespected (or bitter or embarrassed, or like a bird chirping on a twig all alone–metaphors are always fun) when I find I’m repeating the same sentence three times to you” not “I feel you’re ignoring me” or “I feel like you’re a jerk.” You can say, “I feel ignored, dissatisfied, confused….” etc.
Photo credit: zastavki.com
Trouble-shooting
The phrase, “I feel blamed,” should be used often and liberally whenever the basic formula is flouted or manipulated.
It’s a good phrase to use anytime you’re really trying to fight fair.
Example:
J: “I feel like I’m doing all the work around here because you’re just sitting and reading the paper.”
D: “I feel blamed.”
J: “GRRRRRR! Okay, I feel very very very exhausted because you’re not doing anything.”
D: “I feel blamed.”
J: “I feel exhausted” at this point I was unable to get to “B”.
D: “I’m sorry you feel exhausted, what can I do?”
J: (spinning rolodex of possibilities) “Could you take Finn for a few hours?”
D: “I don’t think I can take him that long, I’m wiped, too.”
J: “Well, I have a post I have to write. Could you give me some time to work on it?”
D: “How much time do you want?”
J: “Two hours.”
D: “I can give you one hour right now.”
J: “I’ll take it.”
Please note this is not a real conversation, okay, maybe it is.
Red Light
The Basic Formula works well IF you are working with someone who respects and loves you. Proverbs 25 talks about well-spoken words being greeted by the wise with warm eyes. The wise want to know your feelings, they’ll greet them as something beautiful (like apples in silver or a gold earrings on a lovely woman) if you can share without blaming. Proverbs 26 talks about how a fool responds to rebuke; they cannot handle the truth. You’ll know a fool by how they respond to your emotions.
The basic formula does not work with fools and therefore, should not be used.
I have, unhappily, been in relationships with fools. When I share, “I feel disrespected when you say I look fat” and the response is, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” with a tone of challenge and annoyance.
Notice the red light, a train is coming down the bend. Stop. This person is immature, a fool, unable to handle honest sharing and emotions. You can say, “I’d like an apology.” But they may very well say, “Well, I didn’t say anything wrong, you are fat.” etc etc.
At this point you can take a mental post-it, write “fool” on it and stick it on their head (metaphorically, speaking). Remember this label. You cannot trust this person with your feelings. Change the subject or leave the room. That said, relationships require mutual love and respect for each other’s feelings and vulnerabilities (not just respect for the guy and love for the girl, Are Women Natural Lovers? for more).
Photo credit: gaildavisart.blogspot.com
Like apples of gold in settings of silver
Is a word spoken in right circumstances.
Proverbs 25:11
Green Light
If you work on the Basic Formula (and I mean work on it for YEARS), you’ll find a blossoming of safety in your home. You will be able to hold onto yourself and your feelings while others do not agree. Your spouse’s refusal to do as you ask will not feel like a tactical loss. You will find you can state your feelings, feel heard and respected and still be disagreed with. Disagreement is actually evidence that you are safe, that you are not punishing. Ask yourself beforehand, “If he says no, what will I do?”
Dale and I parsed out chores today (a good Equally Shared Parenting exercise) and he stoutly refused to clean the nooks and crannies of the kitchen counter tops as often as I’d like. His easy disagreement and my own calmness felt like cool lemonade on a hot day. The disagreement without unkindness, the clarity of our differences without disgust.
It had all the honesty and reality of fighting fair.
Finn was taking notes, I could tell.
It’s interesting what you said about putting a mental label on someone’s head when they’re a habitual fool. Scripture does say to “mark” someone in your own mind who is a fool, but in the balance of that, I remember some very helpful things you or Dale wrote on the flip side about not just knowing a person by their label, but being willing to see them as more.
Mandy,
Good reminder from CoffeeShop Conversations. I thought of that section as I wrote the Fool section in this post.
As I see it mental labels are not a problem unless they’re slapped on without knowing a person. The labeling or prejudice is the problem, not the assigning people into categories. In fact, that helps us know others better. I believe we need to and are told to label others ONCE we know them. Jesus did the same, “You hypocrites!” a fairly severe label, to the Pharisees or “You are babes in your thinking” or “You stiff-necked people” to quote the Jewish Scriptures.
I think it’s important to be careful before we label a person, we must engage with each soul and get to know them. And, once they’re labelled “fool” for instance, we know better how to pray and ask for the Spirit’s guidance about when and if to share vulnerably again.
“I think it’s important to be careful before we label a person, we must engage with each soul and get to know them.” I think this wise and true statement has bearing on another conversation about labeling ignorance. Perhaps this is the answer we were groping toward.
“And, once they’re labelled [ignorant] for instance, we know better how to pray and ask for the Spirit’s guidance about when and if to share vulnerably again.” I think your wisdom fits.
What say ye?
Hi Melinda,
When I was promoting Ruby Slippers, several years ago, a powerful woman told me that I had overlooked some important historical facts, that I was ignorant. My response was to do some rigorous fact-checking and to fix these areas in my 2nd edition.
To call someone ignorant is actually, to my mind, a non-offensive statement about reality as best we see it. It’s appropriate for us to call someone ignorant if they, for instance, say that Moses built an ark or that Abraham married Gomer. This is a common way to talk about ideas in the academy, a way to sharpen each other.
As Jesus called people ignorant, Matt 22:29ff, I believe we are within our bounds and responsibilities as Christians to do the same. With, of course the humility that we may be wrong.
I agree with you that we cannot blindly or haphazardly call people ignorant, we must learn to see what they’re saying, get to know them. However, this doesn’t meant we are forbidden from calling people ignorant. Nor does it mean we should refrain from stating that someone is ignorant if we read their work and find them mistaken.
That said, I still believe Kassian is ignorant, but I also would love to have a chance to talk with her and find out what books in gender studies she’s read that indicate that feminism is a term reserved for 1960′s feminism. My studies have indicated that feminism has a long history. Here’s an example of Mary Wollstonecraft’s work, called “liberal feminism” by this woman’s history site: http://womenshistory.about.com/od/wollstonecraft/a/wollstonecraft-legacy.htm
Feel free to email about this as well
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your post. Marriage is going to have its ups and downs and plenty of fights. So often, fights are unproductive and just add to marital frustrations. I loved the points you made about fighting fair. Thanks for sharing!
Rachel,
Thanks for your appreciation. I finished a book called The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share what it Really Takes to Stay Married by Iris Krasnow. Reading it over this week has made me realize how much more we all could use tips on the secret of making marriage work. It’s both art, discipline, fun and drudgery.
Your work at whatsmypart.com seems to overlap what we do at soulation.org. You post on God, Are you There? made me think of these from Soulation “on Faith”
Hope to read your comments again!
I love reading and am always looking for new books, especially on marriage ; ) I’ll have to look into the one you’re reading. Sounds interesting.
I love the challenge to label just how I’m feeling – not using blaming. I loved hearing a healthy negotiation over house chores. So efficient. So open.
Glad you brought up Secret Lives of Wives in the comments – one thing I took from that book is wives need to be more expressive and willing to assert our needs. If I’m exhausted and on edge, I need to express that to my husband so he can help. And there’s a fair way of doing it – not manipulatively or immaturely – rather how you lay it out above. Thanks so much!
Jonalyn,
I’m so grateful for a Christian woman like you who is out there, writing and speaking as you do!
My husband and I are five years into our marriage, and have been a couple for ten years. It’s amazing how the dynamic changes after you take those vows, and it’s only gotten more and more amazing.
It’s articles like this one that help me learn how to care for my husband and our marriage when those times of confrontation do arise.
I also linked to you and this post on my own blog recently. Not that it’s been so long since you’ve written yours, but the information has stuck in my mind in the weeks since I’ve read it, and it’s really helping me to remember to approach out of love and respect.
Thanks again!
Christina.
Christina,
Thank you for appreciating what I do here. It means a lot that you wrote and shared RubySlippers with others you write for!
What other topics on marriage do you think you’d find interesting to read?
Gratefully,
Jonalyn
Hi Jonalyn,
I think at this point in life I’m interested in hearing about the unexpected blisses and challenges that arise in marriage. Kind of how there is always someone bold enough to write the pieces like Things they never told you about pregnancy/childbirth/etc. Only this one would obviously be about the relationship of marriage.
It’s also always special and insightful just to hear men and women share the sentiments and emotions they go through that stand out to them in their marriage.
I’m hoping that there are men out there, not just women, who read and embrace these things.
Thanks for responding!
Christina.
This is a great topic! Thank you for suggesting. I’m going to file it away for sometime soon