I can’t gird up my loins and write on the Cult of Weddings (which was today’s post) so instead I’m going to talk about “Tears and Donuts.”
Doesn’t that sound better anyways?
I wrote “Tear and Donuts” for Soulation’s bi-weekly blog, Breakfast Reading, where eight writers join forces to “be ourselves under the banner of a God who loves us.”
The last month I’ve felt embroiled in a series of controversial posts and their comments. I’ve learned how to better talk about Zen Buddhism, egalitarianism and BDSM. And despite the feeling that sometimes I’m just not good enough to do this well, I know this is where I need to be: weaving philosophy with gender studies.
Still, let me be honest dear reader, I’m feeling pretty tuckered out. Ingrid Michaelson was right,
And we are just breakable
breakable, breakable girls and boys.
I share this to pay heed to my frailty and suggest we all learn most when we
honest about what we disagree with
honest about how hard it is to disagree
honest even with the youngest and weakest in our midst.
Tears and Donuts
Much has been made of the organic, low sugar, low carb diets.
But this is not a post about eating well.
This is a post about mornings that are made of tears.
Last week I “lost it” over something not really proportionate with losing it.
My husband had not returned the car keys to their abode (back in the car, in the ignition). Living in the country means we do that.
He had kindly put the car keys on the car keys hook.
Makes sense, except we had an unspoken pattern of leaving them in the car.
So while my son was squalling to move, exhausted and an hour past his nap, I hopped into the car eager to roar us away to get some nap time.
Except, no keys.
I lost it.
Actually, I just sighed dramatically and confidently whipped open the glove box. Here was my extra stash of keys (now everyone knows this and I will have to find another spot to hide them).
Again, no keys.
I knew who the culprit was. I knew where the keys were: in my husband’s pocket, safely stowed up the hill where he was rehearsing the umpteenth detail with the contractor for our new home.
Yes, I do realize how spoiled I sound in this story, the married wife who is getting a home built, her husband managing the process, and the car keys, for a vehicle which we are lucky enough to own, are nowhere to be found.
Yes, it’s this latter bit that does me in. Yes, it’s a molehill that I’m making into a mountain.
And yes, I know I wrote a book with a chapter on not doing precisely that.
Okay, back to the story.
I march up the path swearing under my breath and rehearsing a lecture for my husband if he has misplaced both sets of keys and we can’t begin nap time.
One set rests calmly on their designated hook, which, interestingly enough, only makes me more angry because now I don’t have bigger reasons to be angry.
I harumph into the car and try to quiet myself so I stand a chance at authentically quieting my sobbing son.
But before I reach my seat, my husband appears from the construction site. He has a package in hand, something I ordered, and he gives it to me, delighted to see me receive new something.
When I explain my frustration, he apologizes and suggests he take our son for a drive for his nap.
I have none of it.
By the time I crank the engine, I’m aware that my husband’s quick apology has sent me over the edge.
I’m bawling as I bounce down the gravel road. My son is not tired anymore as much as he is curious why I’m making so much noise.
I can’t quiet my crying.
We hurl down the hill, and my son starts asking every few minutes, “Momma, you okay?”
To which I have to swallow and stutter, “Yes, sweetie, I’m okay.”
This is sort of true and sort of not.
It does help to . . .
read the final paragraph at Breakfast Reading.





“… which, interestingly enough, only makes me more angry because now I don’t have bigger reasons to be angry.” Thanks for holoding up the mirror, Jonalynn, because I see myself in that sentence big time!
Molehills do look like mountains if you’re lying down in the dirt staring at them from up close. Too often I have to remind myself to stand up and look at them from the perspective God meant me to have. When he lifts me up, they don’t look so big.
Sorry, didn’t mean to make that sound so schmaltzy. I can be such a sap at times!
Tim
P.S. New guest article up at Ellen Painter Dollar’s place, part of a series she’s doing on money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/ellenpainterdollar/2012/06/tim-fall-money-marriage/
P.P.S. Donuts are awesome!
What you call ‘sap’ is my favorite comment you’ve made so far! Great points.
If it’s schmaltzy sappiness you’re looking for, I’m your guy! Great job, by the way, over at her.mi today. Nicely balanced and really well written.
Our last family explosion happened when my husband took my work cell (thinking it was his iPod) and put my computer away where I couldn’t find it, and I felt stranded and helpless for 2 hours. As a stay-at-home mom who thrives on working while my kids are napping, I lost it. That day the kids witnessed a new shade of anger.
Our little ones are so sensitive and aware to family scuffles. It’s humbling, too. I am put in my place every time my children work to cheer me up by hugging me or touching my cheek and asking, “Feel better now, Mommy?” I feel guilty that they feel burdened with this.
I understand now that I overreacted, and I subjected our children to raw emotions I should have checked. There are some theories of thought that children shouldn’t witness disagreements, and others think it’s healthy. Does anyone have advice on this?
Great question, I will invite some marriage and family therapists to chime in!
My parents did not fight often in front of us. I wish they had more as I knew their marriage was steady. So my personal theory is to let our son hear us argue, using our feeling words. But to stop when we resort to unkindness.
I want my son to see that tears and anger can be tools for intimacy, not threats to our love.
I do think this changes if the marriage is unstable or if the children feel insecure in their parent’s love.
Here’s some therapists thoughts
Therapist #1 Dr. Sally Falwell:
Here’s my take without knowing details of how her anger looked.
This woman has an awesome opportunity. Her appropriate awareness and guilt can be a guide to help her figure some things out. She says a few interesting things to me:
1) thrives on working while kids are napping – felt stranded and helpless for 2 hours
2) raw emotions I should have checked
Even to her, her reaction was out of proportion to the circumstance. These are some of the best circumstances to peer into and learn from. Obviously, something else is going on, which is the more important thing (to me) than her issue of whether her kids should witness angry reactions or not.
She has a chance to review what has her boiling like this…where things run over inappropriately (mismatched situation and reaction).
She has a chance not to stay in a place of guilt and shame…a chance to take a serious look at what is going on with her that she describes herself as thriving while working – which of course is not at all inherently bad, but when it seems that someone moved her cheese and she freaked…people like this are more rigid and her working might be holding her world together as she stays at home with kids. If this is the case…it does not seem to be working – as her reaction shows. Although she does not have to get to the point of responding with a cheery smile and a shoulder shrug when something moves her cheese, is there a way to loosen her reliance on this time so that there is more in her life that is feeding her or options to choose from? Reading, resting, disconnecting from the digital world?
Shoulding – you know what I think about shoulding. It is a four letter word with six letters. Terrible and nasty thoughts keep us ruminating as we Monday Morning Quarterback our own responses. Is there a place in her world for anger – a God-given emotion that is the unwanted, gross emotion we are taught is bad. No, I do not advocate acting out in anger – but I think emotions are awesome educators and they are often pushed to the back of the classroom as unruly. But acting out happens. If she hit or hurt anyone she has a major issue on her hands (also needs to look at any emotional or verbal abuse that took place (e.g. “Husband you stupid ahole you ruined my day”)…but otherwise has a great opportunity to welcome this anger and see what it is trying to tell her.
I am also of the mind that anger is often linked to other emotions – frequently fear. I wonder if she is drowning in motherhood work, her “self” submerged below other little selves? Her skills not being used, her dreams and hopes kind of hopeless? Is she lacking sleep, socially isolated, etc.? I am only speculating. To me, this is where her opportunity lies…in the discovery of what her anger is pointing to…leading her too.
It is much easier to focus on anger as a teaching moment – is it right for kids to see, etc. Harder to get to the bottom of what is really going on with her. Most little ones are sensitive to parental shows of emotions. Kids do not benefit from hiding emotions or having knock-down drag outs in the open – their brains can’t handle the extremes or the interpretations. As you can see in their reaction – all better now mommy? That is what they understand – okayness, etc. She has a better chance for education in being the most emotionally mature self she can be, which takes a ton of work and is what many people avoid, all the while trying to teach emotional lessons.
Therapist #2
When Mandy got angry – I’m reading between the lines, but “explosion” and raw, new shade of anger, lost it, sounds like the kids saw very angry, yelling, out of control parents. it happens all the time, but it isn’t a positive thing for kids to see, and that is her question.
It sounded like you, Jonalyn, were expressing emotion without yelling, name calling, shaming, blaming, etc.
Yes, my dear, you have been in the fray recently. I’m not surprised you’re pooped. You’ve tackled some pretty tough stuff and done it well. I am glad you pulled back today. That’s wise, knowing yourself. You know that life has a rhythm and that you can only love God and your neighbor as you respect that. Love to you Jonalyn.
I knew there was a good reason asking you to comment more!
Thank you, Becky!
Mandy O, if children witnessing loving parents diagree strongly about things was that much of a problem, our species would have died out long ago!
Tim
Lots of peace and grace and deep breaths to you. Your honesty is a gift. Your courage to engage difficult topics is a huge gift to push us readers into further self-knowledge, spiritual knowledge and living more fully human – as Soulation says
Thanks for sharing these gifts, glad you’re taking time to rest and renew them!
When we’re weak, He gets a new way to be strong in us to re-charge us, bless us in whole new ways, and in the meantime encourage others (like me) by our own need for a break!
You’ve delivered some 10-pound babies recently getting those posts written and published. One day you’ll have a great collection to put in a book.
Great metaphor application of birthing, Mandy! Thank you.
“Donuts are yummy.”
That is so incredibly sweet!
I hope you’re feeling better. I think what you’re doing here is spiritually and intellectually valuable, even if it can get frustrating at times. Thank you.
There was a time when I just broke down out of anger and frustration at things not going my way, and while I sat there sobbing on the floor, my son just came up behind me and gave me the biggest hug ever. He couldn’t have been more than 18 months at the time, and I wouldn’t have imagined that he could get it, but he did. He didn’t ask for anything, he didn’t say anything, he just hugged me and kind of patted my back.
He’s just amazing.
I was hoping you would include the Ingrid Michaelson song when I saw the title. What a sweet and honest post. Thank you for sharing your heart with us so sincerely. And for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing an incredible job explaining your side and remaining so polite on all the tough issues you’ve been tackling lately. Hope you and Finn enjoyed that donut!
The donut was exactly what we both needed
Thank you, Marlo, for your encouragement.