When I was 22 I got married in a big church with over 500 guests. I wouldn’t have dreamed of eloping, though it sounded really romantic. And I wouldn’t have dreamed of having my wedding outside of the church property. Friends who took their vows barefoot on the beach seemed to be taking an unnecessary risk.
Don’t barefoot weddings look fun?
I actually thought the church building gave my marriage the right foundation (and me, a good Quaker girl). Where did I go wrong?
There was something legitimizing about being married in a church, like God was more “for” you in the building where you were christened or baptized or dedicated. That building was where I got my first gold-leafed Bible with all the generations clapping my Bible verse retention, where I marched down the central aisle holding a flag during Missionary Week, where I played Miriam as a fifth grader. The church building got imbued with the power of a holy, historical site
I had met God in those walls, I wanted them around me for the scary step of marriage., like a security blanket. Because, let’s face it, marriage is risky business.
Marriage is scary AND beautiful so we make the day extra special, we surround it with clothing and preparation to show we care about what it means.
I can’t think of any other church sanctioned event where a girl is permitted to be star of the show, where her dress is permitted and expected to outshine all others. My father often called me the “Queen Bee”, too hungry for being up front (I have since re-cast this “problem” as “the gift of leadership”).
If my wedding day was my one big moment where I could legitimately ask everyone to look at me, then I wanted to make it count. I wanted the center aisle to be really long so I could maximize the time, I wanted a veil as gorgeous as Marie von Trapp. I wanted thirteen bridesmaids.
O yes, I made it count. If there was a right way to do weddings, I did it. Every participant had a typed script complete with directions to know what to do and when to appear and how to maximize the most beauty and meaning out of each moment. My fiance was very involved and as an actor he had plenty of ideas, too.
I’m thankful “Bridezilla” as a label hadn’t been popularized, yet.
Looking back I see two mighty myths weaving together to create my wedding story. The first is the hunger for THE perfect wedding day as evidence of THE perfect life, easily swallowed by most perfectionistic, idealistic teens. The second is the myth that your wedding starts (and ends) the most important moment of your earthly life
Boo Hiss!
The wedding day is not as good as it gets. Nor is the wedding night as good as it gets, thank heavens, right?!
Most churches fuel both myths with Biblical texts, with stories of couples who saved their sexuality until their honeymoons and experienced such exhilarating orgasms that the heavens shook.
Now, faithful readers, you know I’m not bashful about wedding or sexual fun, but to climax our lives at our wedding is not appropriately human. Nor is it an idea found in the wide sweep of the Bible.
The Bible, in fact, has very little instruction about marriage, the day, the ceremeony, the church body as witnesses or anything we’ve come to take as hard and fast rules.
If you saw the movie Avatar you’ll know what I mean about “coupling” moments, when a man and woman just go off and sleep together and that by the rules of the Na’vi, this makes them married, for life.
Seems very simple and I loved it, in the movie.
But in real life cultures put sophisticated rules around marriage. We honor the specialness of the day by special food and clothes, just like every culture frrom millenia past. I love the way our ceremonies sanctify and sanction the beauty of two humans choosing to officially mingle their lives. The culturally distinct rules make sense. Marriage affects everyone, not just the couple. And doing things “the right way” whatever that happens to mean in your culture (nose ring for Rebekah in Canaan, black wedding dress in Scandinavia, engagement ring for me in Los Angeles) gifts us that conscience soothing pat that we can make it.
Who doesn’t need that encouragement?
However, cultural wedding brouhaha aside, we are misleading young people into thinking romantic love peaked by their wedding day is the climax of all human experience.
A beautiful wedding doesn’t make for a beautiful marriage, just like a beautiful dress doesn’t make for a beautiful prom. A church wedding doesn’t predict a divorce-free marriage.
And romantic love? There’s much more to digging our toes into the sand of life than those butterflies in our stomach.
How can we tell a fuller story?
Many good points made…wanted to add that I/we chose an outdoor wedding when we got married at age 26, on tiny Fort Monroe (an island) in southeastern Virginia, in a large gazebo. Right on the water. I wanted to get away from a denomination or a “church” coming in to play, coloring the wedding ceremony in ways I did not intend.
Interesting.
I admire this choice, Susan. How old were you when you tied the knot?
Just turned 26. Get this: I was planning the wedding from Singapore and so did a lot by phone. When my mom (an independent Baptist) asked where we should have the reception, I knew my brother’s Southern Baptist church had just completed some large room/building that could be rented and would work. Mom put her foot down: Not the Southern Baptists, she said!!!
Yeah, this was one of the reasons I was avoiding a church building in the first place.
We had a reception at the 19th Hole Clubhouse in Hampton, Virginia. Apparently, a Clubhouse (with the bar, though closed for the reception) was acceptable when a church of a different denomination from my parents’ was not.
p.s. I’d also read the hand-out at my parents’ church about holding weddings/rehearsals there the year before, when my sister had gotten married. One of the rules? No earrings on men. One of my future brothers-in-law wore earrings. I decided not to let a denominational preference dictate any part of the wedding day. Include the earrings.
that makes a heck of a lot of sense.
My church forbade dancing.
I wish I had had the courage to chose another venue.
I think these myths are perpetuated by the usually-Christian habit of referring to the wife as someone’s “bride,” well past the wedding day (see Jon Acuff’s wonderful rant about this on Stuff Christians Like for a humorous take). I get really bothered when my parents refer to me as my husband’s bride. I’m not his bride anymore, I’m his wife. We’re partners. We’re in this together. To me, continually referring to me as his bride reduces me to a wedding day trophy, a being that does not have an equal partnership in this relationship, a little girl who needs to be protected. And they don’t always refer to me as his bride – they only pull it out when they want to subtly tell me they disagree with how he handles things sometimes. For example, whenever I take our cars to the mechanic, they ask me why he didn’t take “his bride’s car” to the mechanic. Sorry for the rant…your article just brought this to my mind. I appreciate you bringing these things up.
Sophie, I know just what you mean about that “Bride” stuff. It drives me up a tree. One way to laugh at it, though, is to watch what happened when this pastor’s pre-race prayer at a Nascar event got songified: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZnDt2wEFjk
Funny funny stuff!
Tim
Wow. I didn’t think you could put that much corporate sponsorship in a prayer. Hilarious!
“…thank you for all these mighty machines…”
Sophie,
A splendid observation!
I think I recoil from the wife referred to as bride for similar reasons, also because “bride” makes me think of innocence and slot naïveté.. And I don’t feel that naïveté anymore. I’m a little more aware and want the labels for me to reflect that.
I agree: that bride comment has grated on me for years! Enough! Do we hear women calling their husbands “my groom”? People would think we were discussing horses and racing.
hahahaha
My groom is off at the airport today…. chasing planes. HA!
Hmm… Weddings. I’ve always denied the all-importance of the asthetic cultural parts of ceremony. It seems to me that a “perfect dress” all those flowers, doves, gazebos and so on may very well take away from the bride rather than add to spendor of her day. Almost like a girl that wears too much make up. Trying to send a cultural signal can be a bit overwhelming. I know I’m just a guy, and single at that, but thoughtfully picking out your colors can’t be as important as thoughtfully picking out your signals. Don’t get me wrong I swoon over “pride and prejudice” with the best of them, but I see so many people my age spend too much money for a big ceremony because they are, “supposed,” to feed and entertain their guests and so on. That truly sends the signal, “babe (or daughter) I love you so much I want to spend years in debt!” same thing goes for the ring. I have a friend who “bought” a ring for his bride that was ten grand and they will be making payments on it for like ten years. “oh what a lovely burden of debt you have on your finger, he must love you a lot.” You are giving your partner the gift of the rest of your life, not a party for anyone but you and he. Flowers dresses or rings aren’t the star “she” is. A wedding should be a celebration of the two fools in love, any obligating outside influence is just going to cause some form regret sooner or later, otherwise Jonalyn might not have brought it up. Social pressures be damned I say.
I loved this “a wedding should be a party for the two fools in love.”
A lovely thought!
After my wedding I became convinced it was all about the families and what would make them proud. Knowing my wedding was for the community helped me rein in my expectations.
Who else thinks the wedding really ought to be about the couple? Who has experienced that?
I think you can make a wedding not only about the couple, but also about their family and friends, and not have it nosedive off the deep end into trying to please only others and not the couple. My husband wanted to have a larger wedding so he could include his very large family in the celebration. I was happy with this. What I wasn’t happy with was my mom insisting we do certain things because SHE would be judged on her party planning skills if those elements were not present, or were done differently. One of my friends had a beach wedding with a potluck dinner – everyone brought some food and it was more like a buffet party than a wedding. Quite fun for all involved.
Jonalyn, I really appreciate the perspective you’ve brought to this. My soon to be father in law put ti this way: the wedding was just a step along the way for a commitment already made and continuing into the future.
Tim
P.S. Speaking of wedding dresses, I quite agree about the outfit Julie Andrews wore as Maria. Stunning. I once visited the church where they filmed the wedding scene. It was miles outside Salzburg, in a small town in the hills. Very beautiful. How about this one for excess, though. A two mile train?! http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/record-breaking-bridal-train-nearly-2-miles-long-165800345.html
P.P.S. Jenny Rae Armstrong posted yesterday a guest piece I did stemming from a human trafficking conference my son and I just went to (linked through my name here). I hope you can go over and take a look. I’d love your feedback, and I know Jen would be thrilled to see your thoughts too, if get a chance to comment there.
My wife and I have commented often that we wouldn’t go back to our honeymoon even if we could. (This is not to imply that events during our honeymoon were bad or dissatisfactory, but simply that we have grown and learned much in the ensuing 8 years.) I fell into the trap that you are describing in the area of music. For some reason, it was really important to me that the music at our wedding be just perfect. (I don’t think Danielle was as concerned about it as I was.) As it turned out, it was really good–at least I thought so. It seems kind of silly to think about it now, but it was a big deal to me then. Maybe what you’re describing is just a manifestation of our human desire to be a part of something great and meaningful–to live the fairytale, so to speak. I certainly agree with you that we place entirely too much emphasis on those “banner days” of our lives. Honestly, the happiest day of my life would probably be some Saturday spent at home with my wife and kids just being us.
On a side note, your statements about the cultural rules that define how two people become married brought an old question to mind–”When do two people become married in God’s eyes?” Is it when they fulfill the cultural requirements or when they consummate their relationship through intercourse? Not sure why, but I have always wondered about that. The answer has ramifications in several areas, I believe.
Andrew,
To live the fairy tale… Yes that drives us.
I appreciated your questions about what makes a couple MARRIED.
A good test to that would be “at what point could you stop a wedding and say, ‘They’re not married, yet.’”?
The vows?
Signing the docs?
The sex?
All three?
To contradict you, my sweet husband…I think that there is nothing wrong with celebrating and emphasizing those banner days. And as I read below in someones comments, those Fairy Tale (Cinderella) moments are not real life may be true, but I think its ok to relish and celebrate big! Life can be so dull and dreary, I think part of really living is embracing the impractical and making “Fairy Tale” moments a reality. That being said, I think it is more our attitude celebrating than the color of dress and how expensive and extravagant the food is. I want to give my daughter a healthy balance of reality and yet, still allow her to daydream about princes and knights in shining armor.
I did love reading about your schedules, Jonalyn! My husband was the one that handed out the schedules and had everything organized. My only goal was to enjoy every moment, perfect or imperfect as it played out. I look on my wedding with great fondness as it was simple, yet just the right celebration of what it was…the sacred joining of two lives into one.
The fact that marriage is a lot harder than we expected is just something I think couples have to learn on their own. Why rain on the celebration and fun with dreary doses of reality!;)
“My only goal was to enjoy every moment, perfect or imperfect as it played out.”
Good attitude, Danielle! As our wedding day approached, I kept reminding my soon-to-be-wife that no matter what went right or wrong, by 5:00 on our wedding day we’d be married and that was what really mattered. It’s what’s mattered now for 25 years come September.
Tim
So very true Tim!;)
Love the photo of the von Trapp wedding from “Sound of Music!” I loved that movie so much, I used the wedding march on the movie in my wedding, played out on a pipe organ. Good memories.
Refreshing to read about the balance of a wedding with the rest of married life. There is a show on TV now called “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” that shows how in the gypsy culture (We’re talking here in America.) the most important day of a girl’s life is her wedding day, and such a big deal is made of it, and the dress and everything else is hugely overdone, in contrast to the future daily life the girl knows she will have – one of practical servitude. The women are shown to be treated as much less than the men, less independent, and not allowed to work out of the home for the most part after marriage, no matter their abilities or talents, because the men rule. Some girls desire a life outside of these rigid rules but rarely venture out because of strong expectations, etc. I watched a few episodes of the show once during a marathon and it made me nauseated and I’ll never watch it again.
I would like to see more in Christian culture about the meaning of being a bride, and the spiritual parallels, and maybe we would have fewer patriarchal marriages and more real partnerships of two people living, loving, battling, trailblazing side by side going forward together equally, instead of this sin-influenced hierarchy mumbo-jumbo that flatters men and makes women either subservient or soul-lazy.
Your comment made me wonder if we exalt a bride inversely baed in how lowly we treat her the rest of her days?
Interesting!
Ok, I literally laughed out loud at the “orgasm” comment. I 100% agree with you that the emphasis should not be on the perfect wedding. The wedding is merely two people taking their first few steps in a journey to oneness and intimacy. It ain’t no microwave dinner…it’s an all night roaster! But it’s the best journey ever.
Thanks for being real!
Brooke
Beautiful. I think Hollywood contributes to this as well….You meet the perfect man, who makes you feel the perfect way, and you will feel perfect for the rest of your life…if he really WAS the perfect man. If for some reason, God forbid, you don’t feel perfectly happy one day, he must not be THE ONE. There is no room for growing deeper in love.
I don’t recall having particularly high expectations for the wedding day. My hope was that my divorced parents could be civil and dad’s second young wife could be mature, and that alcoholic relatives would be restrained from scenes I had encounterd at other nuptuals. We had a relatively dry (except for a toast) wedding.
The marriage OTH: that is where expectations led to disappointment and disillusionment.
Cinderella, fairy tale, and happily ever after are not real life. Husband loving as Christ loves is WAY too high of an expectation. Real life is when you grow up in dysfunction, it feels familiar and you can’t see the red flags. (((sigh)))
Sorry if I sound cynical… I do think marital reality brings about spiritual growth- something like rocks going round and round in a polishing machine are transformed. Very painful process at times, but probably worth it(?)
We have been together in the refining process for nearly 30 years now “for better and worse”, etc, etc, etc…
Charis,
I’d love to know your recommendations to young couples who want to have a wonderful wedding day, but also don’t want to skyrocket their expectations. Your line “WAY too high an expectation” feels bold and accurate to me.
How do we help newly engaged/married couples expect humanity from their spouse rather than god-hood?
Anyone else want to chime in?
How’s this?
Dear soon-to-be-married-person:
Ever wonder how likely it is that your soon-to-be-spouse will live up to every expectation you ever dreamed of in a soulmate? Look in the mirror and consider how likely it is that the person you see there will live up to anyone’s unrealistic expectations. There’s your answer!
Just a little public service from me, a-long-time-married-person, to you. You’re welcome.
Helpful? Eh, probably not so much. Oh well!
Tim
P.S. Rachel Stone just posted a guest piece I did on good looking food and the greatness of God (linked it through my name above).
J,
I’ve added my own thoughts to the wedding conversation at my new blog! Thanks for the fellowship you gave me through this post just a month after my wedding last year. I was deep in regret over my wedding and you helped me by sharing these truths. Now, I’m processing things I regretted, and some pretty serious things that made the wedding “imperfect.”
Look for the series called My Imperfect Wedding at Hopeforti.com.