“Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.” - Zora Neale Hurston
The group with the most power tends to think of itself as the norm. White males, for instance, may hear of a “Gender” conference and assume it’s for women. White males don’t tend to realize they have a gender.
White women don’t tend to realize they have an ethnicity.
But ethnic means more than brown skin. Canadian is just as ethnic as Caribbean.
God adores differences. He made two genders who have to get together to make more, he made thousands of animals, he made zillions of stars and snowflakes which we know are not identical. He created ethnic groups who do not look alike, for the purpose of…
blessing one another.
Remember God’s words to Abraham “Through you all the families of the earth will be blessed” (Gen 12:2-3). And in Malachi “All the nations will call you blessed” (3:12). And in Galations “All the nations will be blessed in you” (Gal 3:8).
Blessing is the beach ball Mexicans get to volley to the Poles. Blacks get to volley to whites. Chinese get to volley to Australians.
Differences for the sake of blessing.
As a comment two weeks ago reminded me, we have blank spots about other races. It’s hard to volley when you don’t know where the ball is.
I don’t usually think about how I as a Mexican-American-Polish woman bless an African-American woman. I’m more concerned I’ll say the wrong thing, that I’ll be unintentionally offensive, or reveal my ignorance.
One thing is clear, I can’t bless a black woman unless I know something about her that is different from me, something I can bless and be grateful over. And if I’m uninformed I will assume their experience is the same as me.
And as this video shows, that is not accurate.
Esther Cowie is an MBA graduate who prefers to spend her time writing short stories, and increasing awareness of modern-day slavery. She lives in the in-between world of a Caribbean-Canadian immigrant which means she is obsessed with identity. Black and white. Race relations. What does it mean to be a woman? What it means to be a Christian woman? But more importantly,she is passionate about Christ and living a life that reflects his personhood. Esther comments regularly at RubySlippers. Recently she challenged me in a comment (Do Feminists Treat Women like Tool?) to think about femininity through a black woman’s eyes in her words, “How do black women flesh it out?“
And while Esther knows she cannot speak for all black women everywhere, she gave me a glimpse into why femininity means different challenges, different rules for her.
She starts with an example that’s near to my heart: women’s hair (Esther’s words in italics below).
Mysterious Grooming Practices
As a black woman I am educated about the grooming practices of Caucasian women. Most assume that I share the same grooming practices in terms of hair and skin care. Often times I am hesitant to share how I care for my hair because of rude comments that what I do is not normal or somehow very weird. Most times, I want to avoid spending five to ten minutes educating individuals about my hair texture and the rituals I go through to ensure its health and beauty. I think it’s an ‘othering’ experience to continually explain my grooming practices.
When you say “othering” experience I’m assuming you mean “a way of further distancing myself from someone else.” Could you explain a little more? Do you think there is an “othering” experience that white women have to face, too?
There’s a tendency for white women to think that their experience is normal and that everyone else is deviate. For example: a normal female would have relatively straight hair, wash her hair everyday and not cover her hair with a silk scarf to sleep. The “other” is anyone who doesn’t fit “the norm.”
An othering experience is when you’re treated differently because of a particular feature or experience; or your particular difference is used to define you versus being viewed as human w/ all your complexities. So my hair care practices suddenly take on the term as ‘black hair care practices’ while a white woman’s hair care practices still remains “hair care practices” which equals normal/regular. So how you take care of your hair is not just different but not normal because normal hair care practices equals x, y and z. Imagine being in a country where most people have a certain phenotype and you don’t, you’re actually the one with the “weird” hair, not us. And yes, white women can have ‘othering experiences.
I wonder how this lack of sharing hair and skin care practices affects my relationships with my non-black girlfriends. There is a bond/intimacy that is created when you can talk to someone about your hair experiences and she gets it. To her, what you do to your hair is normal. She understands your frustrations, highs and lows and can offer helpful tips. She can help you do your hair. And doing another person’s hair is an intimate experience.
I agree with Esther. The first time I noticed a sisterhood existed was at church camp, in fifth grade. My counselor French braided my hair and I got noticed by everyone. I realized my counselor knew a grooming skill that could gain me entrance into social circles. But it would have been an impossible gift in junior high. By 8th grade my hair was crazy curly and French braids were nearly impossible. And ever since I’ve been “the girl with the curly hair.” Which is nice when you like the feature, but it’s not all I am.
We each go through othering experiences (think of Peggy’s experience in Mad Men) when our particular difference is used to define us and we’re not viewed as a human first. I hope my readers will consider sharing an othering experience (yes, even white males have them!) in the comments.
Inky Black
Esther pointed out that black women are seen as both less feminine and less human.
Within Western culture, true femininity is often housed within a white body, although a few that would say that Asian women are the most feminine due to their submissiveness. Most often, black women are portrayed or described as loud and/or aggressive. These are two traits that are not particularly feminine.
Too often black women find their femininity under attack (see Psychology Today’s article arguing black women are uglier and less intelligent than white women and Racialicious’ response).
Black women’s hair is kinky/curly. It does not flow in straight or wavy locks. It is puffy, fluffy, bushy and does not lie flat. Our skin tone ranges from yellowy-white to inky black. If you look at research, in most cultures, lighter skin is seen as feminine. Our bums, hips and thighs are fuller.
“Will we ever see her in a lead role in Hollywood films? Minus the fruit and disks in the ears? I think she is gorgeous.” Esther Cowie
Esther, I think of actresses like Halee Berry or JLo and their popularity makes it’s easy to say, “Oh, we’re inclusive now, we like women with a little ethnicity.”
Black women are still excluded from the beauty ideal. White is beautiful. Mixed is beautiful. Black is still ugly. Kinky hair still generates revulsion. Inky black skin still generates revulsion. How many black women have we seen in the role as damsel in distress? How many of them have been placed with a leading male character? Specifically, a leading white male character? How many of them have kinky/curly hair? How many of them have had an inky-black skin tone?
I agree, femininity gets identified with one dominant race and then defined from us. Rather than observing that every culture has examples of the most feminine humans available: women. We ought to pool our resources and observe the variety of women across cultures and then say, “Our ideas are misguided, God thought womanhood means her, and her, and her.”
Photo credit: thehungergames.wikia.com/wiki/Rue
We are not seen as fully human: For instance, I was surprised by the reactions of fans of The Hunger Games when they discovered characters, like Rue, were black as shown in the movie theater. Somehow the death of a particular character did not have the same impact when said fans thought the character was a white girl. But maybe this feeds into the whole concept of femininity; Soft, vulnerable, weak…worthy of protection????
Makes me think of the movie, A Time to Kill, the pivotal line is about this difference. Do we imagine a white girl more worthy or needing protection than a black girl? This makes me think of how stereotypes help us assign value often incorrectly.
It’s easy to assume members of one ethnic group are always one way. For instance, to assume Latinas are great in bed. That is, unfortunately, a myth. 
Or to assume Asian men are stoic, macho, martial arts experts. This affects our ability to truly know an Asian man because these stereotypes act as filters and keep us from meeting THIS Asian guy who is a graphic designer and couldn’t defend you in a dark alley.
There’s another stereotype that directly affects you, Esther, the strong black female. Is this a more helpful stereotype?
I encourage everyone to be strong and independent whether male or female. But too often in the media (black and white) as well as within the black community there exists one descriptor of a black woman: strong. But I think this descriptor doesn’t make room for the complexities of being a woman. It does not allow for the fact that she has vulnerabilities and dependencies.
I know black women who suffer with depression, low self-esteem, anorexia, self-mutilation. I know black women who are emotionally strong and weak.
I understand that this push towards being strong has its roots in a history of oppression, the current lack of a family structure within the black community that includes a father. Facing the challenges of poverty, single parenthood, racism, and or sexism requires strength. But I often wonder if it is real ‘strength’ or a façade. That underneath the strong black woman there is someone who is hurt, afraid, struggling with their self-worth, wanting to be loved, wanting help.
Esther, I can vouch for the stronger appearance often masking the fearful soul. I walk/ed that road. And the woman and men I meet who come across as incredibly large and in charge are often more vulnerable than we’d believe.
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Esther kept pushing me to think further about what it means to know her experience, to be able to bless her in her differences.
She asked, What is the challenge of Christians who attend multiethnic churches or churches that are predominantly white? What is their experience of what it means to be a woman or a man? Does the presence or absence of multiethnic people affect them?
I thought it would be best to invite you to help me answer.
What do you think?
And if we’re lucky, Esther will join us in the comments.
Great job bringing this discussion out Jonalyn and Esther. This statement really caught my eye: “Black women are still excluded from the beauty ideal. White is beautiful. Mixed is beautiful. Black is still ugly. Kinky hair still generates revulsion. Inky black skin still generates revulsion.”
Maybe it’s because I’m an old guy and have been around the block a few times, but this is nowhere near my view of the women around me, black, white, mixed or otherwise. I’m not denying that these types of attitudes exist, but they are not universally held. They also aren’t restricted to majority portions of the population; a person of any skin color can think that people from another group are unatttractive.
Cheers,
Tim
P.S. For my take on skin color in the context of romantic relationships and the church, I’ve linked through my name an older guest piece I wrote over at Jenny Rae Armstrong’s blog.
Hi Tim,
Here is a well known short (7 min) documentary made by Kiri Davis on beauty standards and Black women. Some very powerful stories.
http://www.mediathatmattersfest.org/films/a_girl_like_me
For myself as a White woman, it has been difficult at first for me to acknowledge the factor that race and ethnic background has in a Western beauty standard simply because of my own struggles with feeling as if I failed to meet the standard. In other words, I invalidated other womens’ experience and pain in the attempt to validate my own. I think there is room to acknowledge that a beauty standards harms all of us, and yet, my tall, thin, White body with straight hair and colored eyes fits better into the standard than most women of color’s bodies do.
I see Jesus cast a vision of inclusion in Scripture, and that includes all shapes and forms and shades of beauty. I am challenged to see how I can further this value in the Kingdom specifically in regards to beauty for all men and women.
Thank you for linking this video.. a good one to share on why black women face more fear that they are “bad”.
Glad you shared the hurdles that have kept you from acknowledging the Western standard of beauty. Thank you!
Thanks, Tim… Great to see your linked post to some biblical insight on why God is not against interracial marriages! Amazing that this still needs to be explained. What year is it? indeed!
Glad you liked it, Jonalyn. That was the first blog post I ever wrote. Jenny Armostrong made me do it!
I’ll note briefly that white people don’t often have much attention paid to their ethnicity because white isn’t an ethnicity; you can’t bless with what is not valued or recognized. I’ll also note briefly that I’ve never heard these semantics used in a way that didn’t draw attention to something regarded as unjust, and for which redress was expected, demanded, or required of those who fell on the wrong side of a line drawn by language. That line between any two people can be erased by shared humanity as quickly as I can welcome you into my home for dinner. I don’t have anything to add in regards to aesthetic ideals in relation to femininity, but I do think that those are things that exist in the senses rather than the mind’s judgments.
Ben,
It is true, an invitation to dinner can plant the fast-growing seed of respect.
That said, do you think racial injustices do or don’t continue to exist?
Also, can you explain more about the aesthetic ideals existing in the senses? An example might help.
Thanks!
Racial injustice requires care because we use justice in both moral and legal contexts. In either context, it means giving someone what they are owed. As a matter of law, I think racial injustice is largely a thing of the past, but racism certainly continues to exist. (Some will no doubt disagree with me about this, but I’m going to have a relatively shorter list of what someone is legally owed than what some of my more liberal friends would advocate.)
When I said that aesthetic ideals exist in the senses, I mean something like what Thomas Hardy meant when he said that you prove poetry on your pulse. It’s part of what we are that we respond to beauty, in nature, in the form of another person, or in art. I put those in descending order of obviousness, but I want to distinguish between beauty and aesthetic judgments. It is the latter which is most subjective and culturally conditioned as we try to describe and explain the experience of our senses. But it is the former that draws us in. I’m a realist about beauty to that extent. We make judgments about the flavors, composition, and presentation of a meal, but it is the smell and taste of it that we enjoy. We make judgments about the someone’s appeal on the basis of many factors (health, culture, dress, grooming, personality, etc.), but we are initially drawn by the eye alone. These are tentative examples, but I hope they are illuminating.
Ben,
These are helpful distinctions between aesthetic and beauty judgments. I love that quote from Hardy.
I hope others will respond to your thoughts on justice!
Hi Tim,
Thanks for your comment. When I look at the media, I see a hierarchy of beauty. And I see the effects of that beauty ideal on a personal level and in my interactions with others.
Let me give a few examples. A black girl at a Christian private school walks down the school hallway, a group of white girls follow her, declaring that black girls are ugly.
Or in a youth group meeting, a young man jokes that black women are loud and promiscuous. He along with those joining him in laughter forget that there are two black women sitting in the group.
Or when I sit and talk to little black girls who think they are ugly because they are black. Who hate their hair because it isn’t straight.
During my MBA program I took a marketing course and we examined the popularity of skin whitening creams. Here are some quotes from a study that iwas examining
• According to a study of the Human Relations Area Files more than 20 years ago, of 312 different cultures, 51 used skin color as a criterion of beauty, and in all but four of these lighter skin was preferred (Van den Berge and Frost 1986). Russell, Wilson, and Hall (1992) note that while white is associated with purity, righteousness, decency, and auspiciousness, black is associated with wickedness, villainy, menace, and illegality.
• Still, they are regarded more positively than blacks who are described by some Japanese as bestial and animal-like (Russell 1996; Wagatsuma 1967).
• In Indian culture, “black” is associated with underprivileged people and is a symbol of “dark,” “dirty,” “wrong,” “hell,” and “unfairness” and is opposite to “good,” “bright,” and “well-being”. White skin is always associated with positive messages in Indian and Hindu culture. It is taken as s sign of “beauty,” “purity,” “cleanliness,” and “happiness,” and is a symbol of power and privilege (Arif 2004). In Hindu religion, Kali, a dark-skin goddess, is a symbol of ugliness, cruelty, and destruction (Arif 2004; Leeming 2001) and manifests the negative association of dark skinned women in Indian society.
• Hollywood movies and mass media in the West frequently portray darker skin people as lower class, dirty, and evil, while white or light skin people are depicted as morally purer, better educated, more intelligent, and cleaner. Even Spike Lee’s 1988 film School Daze emphasizes this prejudice. Dark skin continues to be associated with unpleasantness, dirt, crime, and disruption of society (Russell, Wilson, and Hall 1992; Hall 1995) as well as lower social status, while light or white skin is associated with purity and higher social class. This social stratification process exists in non-Western cultures as well. Dark skinned people in Japan are perceived as lower class (or farmers) since they work under the sun while light skinned people are more likely to have been sheltered indoors rather than working outside
I think that there is a universal view that being dark is not a good thing. Having said that, I know not everyone believes that. I have been fortunate to interact with individuals of diverse backgrounds. And I know that every Caucasion, Indian, Hispanic, Asian etc equates black with ugliness.
The examples you give are unfortunate, idiotic and should be condemned by any thinking person. Then again, I’m a white guy and have heard just as outrageous and idiotic comments from people of color about white guys. Racism, bigotry and idiocy know no bounds when it comes to perpetrators.
Hey Tim,
I don’t want the conversation to descend into “racist comments I have heard etc.” Yes, racism knows no bounds.
My point is that black women are often times not seen as feminine enough. And this is a view that isn’t limited to white males or the white community.
Further, at times they are often encouraged to be strong and independent at the expense of other qualities/characteristics that make them uniquely feminine.
From my undergrad reading of Babbitt, I realized that white men were bound to face incriminating prejudice.
Tim, could you share some of the outrageous and idiotic comments you’ve heard in regards to white guys.
I don’t think it’s fair to assume that white men don’t face prejudice. They do, and it’s just as cruel and stigmatizing.
It just hasn’t been around quite as long.
Tim, could you share some of the outrageous and idiotic comments you’ve heard in regards to white guys. Sure thing, Jonalyn:
* My inherently race based lack of sexual prowess
* Uncoordinated non-athletic ability (or dance or rhythm or whatever)
* Genetically and chromosomally based inability to empathize with or even understand others
There are more, but these are a few of the outrageous and idiotic comments that have been directed at me personally based on my gender and skin color. I don’t focus on them, though. Like Hurston, I’m astonished by them.
I am also quite aware that these types of things negatively affect others to a hugely greater degree than I will ever experience. It also makes my blood boil that others go through it, whether it is the result of modern advertising campaigns or centuries-old social structures. They all stink and are part of Satan’s work and continuing legacy from the Fall.
Jesus is just and true, though, and he’s already won the victory. I’m doing what I can to pursue his justice while he’s got me here on earth. Glad to see all your efforts to do the same, Jonalyn and Esther. Nicely done.
Tim
Hi Tim,
Yes I’ve heard the above about white guys.
I can tell you from personal experiences that white men can dance. And there are black men who can’t. Who have no rhythm and too left feet.
But the third one , I admit, there a lot of people who believe this especially about American white men versus European or Caribbean white people.
And Esther, the people who believe that are bigots plain and simple, just as much as any idiotic white supremacist is.
Agreed.
I do think that White men (and women) experience racial prejudice, which is an abominable thing. But I also believe that this is different from racism, which in the general context of the US, only people of color experience.
There are many different definitions of racism, but one of the most popular is that of “racial prejudice + power”. In this regard, racism is the ability for racial prejudice to be enforced in systems, structures, and institutions.
Personal prejudice seen in and between individuals (hate crimes, racial slurs, etc) is very different from racism (Eurocentric curriculum, home loans in the 1930-1960′s only being given to White people, etc). The racial group that holds power (usually the majority) in the society is able to embed racial prejudice into it.
How different from Jesus’ way of living that makes room for those in the minority, for those who live on the fringes of society, who don’t see themselves or their experiences represented by those in power! Thank you Esther for being willing to share a part of your story, and Jonalyn for providing a venue for it to be heard more widely by those of us who usually don’t go out of our way to listen.
Thanks for your comment Alicia
Alicia,
Great comments… can you respond to Ben’s thoughts above about justice… I think you might have something to say of import there.
Powerful examples here of how easy and prevalent it is to believe that whiteness means pure and blackness means dirty.
Did you mean to include a “not” in your last line?
Yes I meant to include “not”. That’s why I said “oops not everyone” in the last line.
Hi Esther,
You mentioned Hollywood movies and their portrayal of darker skinned people.
I’m curious, if you were to make a movie, how would you like to see a darker skinned person portrayed?
Would love to hear your thoughts! =]
oops I meant not every*
This was beautiful. I really was encouraged with the conversations between Esther and you,Jonalyn. Esther and I share similar backgrounds (in terms of her Canadian and Caribbean experiences).
Thank you for stating that females who are “black” also have vulnerabilities and dependencies . This is something that is shared due to the mere fact that we are all women.
I can relate to Esther but perhaps a bit differently.These “vulnerabilities and dependencies” (as mentioned above) are so crucial as it affects our interactions to one another (especially as females). I work within an environment where there are more female persons who are Afro-trinidadian than Indo-trinidadian. As a result, I hear more undermining of my ethnicity than anything else. Going through this experience and still finding the strength to be comfortable being myself when missionary teams visit from the United States that are predominently “white” or relating to communities that are mostly Afro-trinidadian proves to be a grand challenge.
In this context, I can speak on behalf of my church,there are so many stereotypes individuals hold against the “white” missionary team member for example,although this “white” person has some other ethnic background(s). It is not just an issue of cultural differences but racial differences as well.
The challenge is celebrating each other’s cultural diversity without undermining one another and being humble enough to reveal our shortcomings. I cant help but be reminded of this scripture:
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”-Romans 12:3
So well put, Kesara!
Kesara,
Well-confessed, there is a grand challenge of noticing the difference between the white missionaries, the Indo-Trinidadians (hailing from India) and Afro-Trinidadians (hailing from Africa).
And for those who are reading along, Trinidad is the southernmost island in the Caribbean, only 7 miles from Venezuela.
What causes the Afro-Trinidadians to undermine your ethnicity? And how do you go about being humble enough to share the value and weaknesses of your own Canadian and Caribbean experiences?
What helps you to measure yourself fully as important and significant without having superiority? This last question is for everyone.
“What helps you to measure yourself fully as important and significant without having superiority?”
Christ, and Christ alone. Why look anywhere else for a sense of worth? It’s because of Jesus and the fact that he has made me his and given me an identity in him that I have true value. It doesn’t lead to a sense of superiority because it’s not about me, it’s about him. As Jeremiah and Paul both said, if I boast let it be in the Lord. Boasting in myself is just stupid (and believe me, I know myself well enough to know just how stupid that would be!). And as David said repeatedly, who cares whether others think highly of me or not; I belong to the living God!
Thanks for getting me to think through this today, Jonalyn.
Tim
Hi Kesara,
Thanks for your comment. I agree we should celebrate diversity. I see beauty in all ethnicities /races. And I want that beauty to be celebrated and appreciated.
Living in the US, I feel like women of colour do not get to tell their full stories. It is often portrayed in a limited or stereotypical fashion. And I want to scream and shout that we are fully human. That our experiences are varied. Our voices distinct and unique.
My father is a Trinidadian. One of my cousins is heading to Trinidad this summer. Yay! So good to hear from a fellow Trinidadian.
Awesome verse.
Esther,those examples are heart-wrenching.
Hi Esther,
Thank you for replying! That is awesome to hear.Nice to
“meet” you.
I have been told the same about women of colour not getting to share their experiences in the United States. I have to say that on a personal basis, I feel the same interestingly,although I am surrounded with women of colour.
Nice to meet you too!
I would love to hear about your thoughts concerning women of colour not getting to share their experiences in Trinidad.
Thanks Jonalyn and Esther for this, as a blonde white-skinned female I have spent my life unaware of these issues until recently when I viewed the video below (Dark girls – I assume you have probably seen it?). It broke my heart. I hope one day we do see that beautiful woman whose photo you posted above as a lead role, without the fruit on her head. The video is well worth watching for anyone who thinks that these issues don’t really exist.
http://vimeo.com/24155797
Wonderful resource, Sarah! Thank you for sharing that film preview.
All, please watch this video…
http://vimeo.com/24155797
I’ve often thought of this. Everyone is ethnic, i.e. has an ethnicity. I think mainstream America started using ethnic to mean exotic or “not of us” in the area of food, @ 50 or 60 years ago. The question is, can you call McDonalds ethnic food? Don’t think so because it is commercially developed specifically for profit. On the other hand, I would call French or Italian cuisine ethnic, because they’re the product of a particular ethnic tradition. So maybe we have confused the commercial agro-food industry with “white” or European ethnicity, and think that European culture is as bland and “non-ethnic” as fast food. That’s my highly researched meta-analysis.
FYI I had not read the post when I wrote the previous comment. Having read it, I’d like to say that I appreciate Esther’s comments about grooming habits. My daughter, who chose to teach in a poor black/hispanic school district in Oakland, CA, introduced me to the Chris Rock movie, Good Hair. Though I was not entirely ignorant of the subject (having read many books on the African-American experience in the sixties), still, it opened my eyes to the depth of the experience of black women in this country– the the danger and pain (physical and emotional) involved in some of the “beauty” practices aimed at imitating a certain segment of the majority culture.
I’d like to add that there is something else going on here than only genotype differences. As a short chubby kinky-black-haired Jewish young person, I was keenly aware, growing up, that I did not look like the women I was seeing in the magazines and in the media. But as I got older I began to realize that almost none of the women I actually knew looked like the women portrayed as paradigms of beauty, even if they were of Northern European descent. So, though I do not disagree with Esther’s main points, we also have to realize that the image of white women seen by women of color is merely that– an idealized image. It does not actually represent how most real white women look and this “image” also creates self-esteem/comparison issues for white women, albeit often not as profound.
Rachel,
I’m thankful you brought up the pain and danger of some beauty practices of trying to delete the things God put into our bodies: hair, skin, body shape, etc.
I also agree that the models we see play an important part of reminding us that we are not “enough.” I take a lot of joy from seeing actors like Gwenyth Paltrow for instance, in the Iron Man movies, who acted soon after her pregnancy. She sports a belly with a small bump that makes me glad… she was proud and acted with the marks of motherhood.
She doesn’t look like the other svelte girlfriends of Spark, and we love her for it.
I want more examples like this, and more examples of women of color, as well. Smart, vulnerable, unique examples in the media would do us all well.
I’d love to hear more examples if we come across them in media. Do share.
Hi Rachel,
I also watched Chris Rock movie’s Good Hair. I would like to suggest that although there are still a number of black women who continue to use harsh chemicals to attain a certain beauty ideal of straight hair, there are quite a few of us who have rebelled or maybe I should say chosen other options.
In particular in the last 4 years, a number of black women have chosen to go natural–deal with the hair they were born with versus permanently altering it. The result has been a re-education of afro-textured hair. How to care for the hair; how to style it; wash it; keep it moisturized etc.
Personally, I appreciate my hair more. I love it. I think it is gorgeous. I enjoy the feminine styles that I can create with it.
When I was younger, I always knew that my hair was beautiful. I would stand in the shower and watch the water flow through my coily curls. But I think due to slavery the beauty ethic ( how to respect and nurture the integrity of the strands) was lost to my mother and thus lost to me. So I defaulted to what was socially accepted: chemically straight hair.
These days, when I think about my hair , I feel like I have come home. The dream, the hope that I had when I was younger of finally caring for my hair without putting harsh chemicals in it has arrived!!!!
Woo hoo. I want to do a jig.
That jig is well-deserved.
What an excellent article, Jonalyn.
When discussing literature, the terms “mirror literature” and “window literature” get thrown about. Mirror literature being that through which we learn more about ourselves and the room we inhabit, while window literature being that through which we learn about others and the rooms they inhabit–the differences between circles. I mention that because I want to say that one of the most windowing experiences I have had was in college when I had a suite-mate from Zambia. I learned not only how different her regimens had to be, but how beautiful she and her African friends were. It is so true that American culture still has a default tendency to embody femininity as “white women,” and we miss out on so much that way. One of the reasons I really enjoyed the movie Beauty Shop is because, though she does often adapt to the straight-haired aspect of what beauty means, Queen Latifah is so confident in her cultural and ethnic identity and shares a beautiful, dramatic (not comedic, which so often non-white actresses are sidelined to) romantic development in the story. I know I have so much to learn about others and their ethnicities and cultures, but I do strive to actively combat those cultural assumptions–that default is white, that default is blue-eyed, that default is Pantene and a flat-iron. Thank you for the gracious reminder, and for giving Esther a voice here.
And you know, I found myself appalled with the ugly, ugly reactions to Rue’s blackness. I thought she was beautiful, just as the book had described her, and her death was shattering. I can’t imagine feeling any other way about her.
Thank you again, Jonalyn, for opening the windows. It’s too easy to think the mirror is all there is to see.
Helpful, informative, great examples here. Thank you, ReneeD.
Jonalyn and Ester,
I thank you for exploring this and think you beautiful for it!
I have always thought femininity as a topic that fits all women and have never thought of how our ethnicity could affect our view of ourselves as female.
On the view of how my ethnicity affects me as a woman has been enlightening and challenging to how it has shaped me.
I am Puerto Rican and Mexican. My family is shorter in height than most and I am the smallest one in my family. Growing up I have always been told to wear high heel because we are not tall people. I have always fought against this, I like my flats! Why should I compromise who I am to fit another’s view of beauty? Of society’s view of beauty? But the idea of being taller always seeps in.
I’ve been thinking about how this has shaped my idea of beauty. It has shown me that beauty belongs to the tall women- or women who are taller than 4’11 (i.e me). That beauty belongs to those women and if you are smaller in stature you are considered “cute” and “pretty” like a child not a woman, not an attractive one. Wearing high heels does help, and honestly, I personally think that the sexiest attribute to a woman is her feet in heels.
I realize, that because of this, I do not like being called ‘cute’ or ‘pretty’ as it makes me feel like a child and not an adult. Because of my Hispanic height, does that make me less of a woman? Will I forever be perceived as a cute child, not a beautiful woman?
I am not my size, I am more than that. Like a John Mayer song, “I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for.” And I want to be treated as such, I want to be seen as a woman; as a human being who is beautiful.
You sharing your view in your ethnicity has shown me I need to do more exploring myself, for my ethnicity and others.
Thank you for giving me the guidance to explore this topic in my ethnicity.
Nichole,
My favorite part of your comment was how being shorter makes you feel more sensitive to being relegated to the “cute” realm, rather than to the “beautiful” realm. Your point that beauty belongs only to tall people is well made.
I think many can relate to your words.
Great quote by Mayer. We are all more than our body relays to others, though we are not less.
I’d love others to help chime in on good, healthy, life-giving ways to explore our ethnicity.
Here are a few that I’ve appreciated:
- read novels where the protagonist is a member of your ethnicity
- talk with your family members about what it was like growing up as an immigrant or what made them feel Mexican (or whatever their ethnicity is).
- explore the language and food differences. For instance, in choosing to re-learn Spanish and teaching my son, I’ve grown to respect Mexican culture more.
Love the article and the refreshing way it honors difference. My first memory of meeting a black girl was in kindergarten – the girl who’s spot in the line at the water fountain was directly in front of mine. I remember admiring her hair – all of the beads strung into all of her hair which was in long tiny braids, and I wanted to have beads in my hair. Her parents were from Kenya. Her skin was so dark it was the same color as her eyes – with Loooong curly eyelashes. I remember going home and telling my Mom about her and how I wanted beads in my hair like that. I was very, very disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to have beads and braids like that. My Mom had to explain several times in one setting that my hair simply wouldn’t look that way, and the beads would not stay in the same way, and would slide off. I asked my Mom what I needed to do to get my hair like that, and she said it’s something I would have to be born with. I was so envious of the other little girl, and told her often how much I loved her hair.
I guess I never thought of different genetic traits as different from the norm – just different from mine, something I always thought was fun. I still love reading the article, because for me the “different” stuff comes into play for me in other ways, and this article reminds me to be cognizant.
Apparently, women of color need their own Bible. The already segregated “women’s Bibles” won’t do. Does it show that the publisher believes that women of color are less feminine because the cover is brown rather than pink? http://www.christianbook.com/niv-aspire-women-color-study-bible/9780310938118/pd/938118?event=
I take reservations for a conference center in Colorado Springs. Last week, a very deep voice was on the other line, and I put the caller on hold so that I could finish a task. When I picked back up, I said, “Thank you for holding, sir. How may I help you.” She replied, thankfully with a gracious smile in her tone, “Female with a very low voice.” I was mortified, but it seems like this is a common occurrence for her. When I hung up, I spent a few minutes thinking about how I automatically have an idea that she is less feminine than someone with a “normal” higher pitched female voice. This idea of her as less feminine sprang to my mind without invitation. It was not something I thought about before ascribing to it. It simply was there in my mind. So ingrained.
I think that if I was a deep-voiced woman, it may be a daily chore or joy to display womanly qualities (not necessarily those that are stereotypical but more like those Jonalyn outlines in RS) and shock people by not being “masculine” through and through. I have a bit of similar experience as my feet have been size 11.5 since beginning Jr. High. The boys I liked always made fun of it, because (as mentioned above) little feet are girly or feminine for some reason. So I love to be with my husband now who is willing to understand that my foot size does not make me less of a woman. Silly, but it caused many teary nights as a 7th grader. I wonder why we create these “norms”? Why is it so deeply ingrained, when clearly, the woman with the big feet and deep voice is a WOMAN, just like the high pitched, dainty footed lady?
Why, indeed, Hope.
Great example of lower voices, larger feet. It makes me think of Cinderella’s stepsisters in the Grimm version. Remember that in Ruby Slippers (the book)? “They both had lovely feet, but the would not be able to fit Cinderella’s slipper.”
At core I believe we are insecure about the ways we are feminine (or masculine)… just like the wealthy man who is insecure about his worth (because he knows he might lost it), so the women with lighter skin, small feet or higher voices breathe a sigh of relief because they’ve “made the cut.” The ones least insecure are the ones who speak up about “what does it mean to be feminine” etc. We’ve faced the scary question.
If no one takes time to question the standards of femininity, then we will all keep marching to another drummer’s gender tune. It requires women like you to speak up about ways we don’t feel we fit the norm AND speak about how we actually believe our larger hair or larger feet or darker skin contribute to the definition of femininity instead of detracting from it.
So what do your size 11.5 feet tell us about what it means to be a woman?
I have a few ideas, but I wanted to open the floor to you, first!
I’ve been thinking about this all week, since I saw your response.
I connect my big feet with being the child of my dad. His feet are two inches longer than mine, and I just feel connected to him when I remember that this is a mark of being his daughter.
I really thank you for saying that “the women with lighter skin, small feet or higher voices breathe a sigh of relief because they’ve ‘made the cut.’ The ones least insecure are the ones who speak up about ‘what does it mean to be feminine’ etc. We’ve faced the scary question.” Very shrewd of you to articulate that perception. A basic truth that I’ve been seeing glimpses of since those first “big foot” comments ten years ago.
Along those lines, I think one way they add to my femininity is by making me more able to sympathize with the “outsider.” As you say in RS, love is a beautiful and fitting trait in either a man or a woman, but some of the relational, sympathetic aspects can have a bit more “family resemblance” in the female. Please correct me if I misunderstood this. It has been a while.
I have rarely felt like I was “good enough” physically to be snooty, so I am somewhat (though not completely) attuned to the temptation to compare in order to elevate myself. I remember having a little revelation at age 14 or so that we’re all pretty goofy/screwed up/not “normal.” This was especially true when I would compare our fallenness to Jesus’ perfection. Therefore, I announced to my family, there’s no point to comparing ourselves to someone else in order to raise the self up and push the other down. We’re all in this together. And Jesus lives for all of our sakes. I think having big feet made me more human (again, not just for females).
I think the experience of being seen as ugly in that way helped me to be a better friend. Even more specific to my femininity, it has helped me to be a better WIFE. My husband has what he calls “Fred Flinstone” feet. I don’t think they would ever be chosen for a magazine photoshoot (because of the standards of the culture), but I deeply adore his feet! I love how they feel touching my feet in bed. I love how he can run on them long after I feel like quitting/dying. I love how he never complains they are sore like I do with mine. I love the feel of them in my hands when I give him the foot massages he will never ask for. I love the shape of them, as they are so distinctly HIS. I have learned to connect what his feet look like with everything else I know and love about my husband, himself.
So this has caused me to see that there really is NOT a standard of beauty when it comes to feet. Valuing him has helped me value my own feet, and believe him when he says they are not ugly.
At least, I would say this applies to feet that are not deformed. Not sure what I would do if presented with that question. I do remember reading something from Edmund Burke about how absolute beauty comes in symmetry, order, certain colors, etc.
We’re quick to try to find something beautiful in our own oddities.
Now, Jonalyn, if we ever get to spend time in person, I’m sure you’ll look at our feet first!
I’d love to hear your ideas. Anything more specifically feminine? I think that I mostly just listed virtues or lessons learned, rather than feminine traits or specifics of big feet.
Hope,
You represented my views in my book Ruby Slippers very well. You are correct, the sympathetic and relational (I call them interdependent and sensitive awareness aspects) that make us all human seem to be given to women in larger portions.
I love what you said about your revelation when you were 14 and how you announced to your family the goofy qualities of all people. Dr. Jerry Root says, “There are only two types of people: those who are goofy and know it and those who are goofy and don’t. Now, which one are you?”
I love that.
That your large feet are a way to be more human is beautiful. That the way you personalize, touch, enjoy, notice your husband’s feet is gorgeous. I admire and want to ask others to notice the way your cultivation of love for your husband’s feet has shown you the beauty in your own.
Large feet make me think of strength, courage, endurance: all human qualities from God.They also make me consider comparing a woman’s feet to something other than tiny objects. For instance, feet as grand as swans. You know, the metaphor we use to describe women’s bodies has such power to give us shame or dignity.
I’m so grateful you shared!
Hmm, I never thought consciously about how metaphors in literature and face-to-face life can change the culture of beauty. True, big feet would be likened to elephants or whale flippers, but I can tiptoe, point, tondue and sashay with the best of them (well, not the BEST!). They are the strong, lean mares that carry my tall body, balancing my height like a good foundation.
Whale flippers, my heavens, that made me smile.
I think large feet make you capable, but also grander, like the Statue of Liberty instead of a porcelain figurine. Love that you can list all those ballet and dance terms.
Are you a dancer?
Strong, lean, mares.. nice.
Hi Hope,
Specific to darker skin we can look at the development of femininity and beauty ideals/norms from a historical perspective. More specifically Western history.
A number of European anthropologists and historians tied societal advancement (technology and economic) to beauty. If we’re the most intelligent, and have the most advanced societies then of course we are the most beautiful. One particular scientist Charles White, tried to “scientifically” prove that indeed white = beauty.
Can we say that feelings of superiority influence norms of femininity or even beauty ideals?
Can we say that cultural dominance over another culture influences beauty ideals?
What about patriarchy? Why do women willy-nilly go along with what men deem is beautiful/feminine?
Hmmmm, this question is for everyone, are big muscles on women less feminine? As we contemplate this question lets recall images of female Olympians, the track and field stars, the gymnasts, the rowers etc.? Do big bulgy muscles make these women less feminine?
Esther,
Weakness. Your question about muscles is tied to your question about patriarchy. If women are weaker physically, and if ideal women do not have bulging muscles (which is pretty obviously not ideal in this culture…maybe a little muscle, but just enough to show slight definition), then men can keep the stronger positions. The stronger physical position lends itself to the idea of carrying the strength in the relationship, doesn’t it?
I don’t know any deep answers to your question of why women go along with what men want. Few of us (men or women) think enough, so I think much of it has to do with simply being swept up by culture.
Hi Hope,
Do you think that women are too stuck on beauty as an indicator of our value? And then we put a man’s gaze on a pedestal as the true measure of what is beautiful? And maybe we do this because a man has a stronger reaction to beauty? But like you said a man’s view of what is beautiful is influenced by society, family, friends and pop culture. I can speak to what I have observed in African-American communities. Some of the men grow up in single parent homes and yet they go out and marry women who look nothing like their mothers. They think dark skin is ugly. Where did they develop this concept of beauty??? Some of them hear it from their own mothers who put down themselves (their hair and/or chocolate skin colour) or the features of other black women. Or if they listen to rap music or hip hop they hear it in the lyrics, the preference for a woman who is light-skinned. They look at the media and whose beauty do they see being praised—a white or a mixed woman. But then these men also want women with a big butt. And then you watch women struggle to conform to this beauty type. (Now this does not apply to all African-Americans).
But why do women care so much for beauty? Why is this so important to us? Why are we obsessed with captivating the gaze of a man? If we cared little for beauty, would our souls be better intact? Would we have high self-esteems?
our statement:
Hey Hope,
I have had some time to think about the first part of your response. I would like to share the following points:
1. Yes, I agree that my question is tied to patriarchy. But not as you have stated in terms of weakness and strength. I think patriarchy has evolved to accept a woman’s physical strength. They were allowed to participate in the Olympics in 1900. However, a woman’s body mustn’t show visible markings of strength i.e. bulging muscles.
I believe the reason for this is because a woman’s body, no matter it’s functionality, strength etc is supposed to appeal to a man’s gaze. We’re supposed to look like an object or the prevailing beauty ideal. For example in my circle, the prevailing question was why can’t the American female gymnasts look like the Chinese or Easter European gymnasts. These particular ethnic groups were strong, flexible and fast but they did not have bulging muscles like the Amercian gymnasts.
If we look at track and field, runners like Lolo Jones, Allyson Felix and Sanya Richards Ross were strong and fast but did not have bulging muscles. People enjoyed the fact that they were strong, and fast but still looked “feminine”.
2. Personally, I am drawn to women with softer bodies. I don’t think women athletes with bulging muscles are less feminine. But I do think that a woman’s body is an expression of her soul. To me that physical softness expresses her soul’s vulnerability. (Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily equal weakness). It expresses openness and a sort of welcoming posture to the world. And if you look at the women with bulging muscles they try to express that part of their soul by putting ribbons in their hair, growing their hair long, or wearing heavy extensions to RUN!!! They wear makeup and long nails.
And one could argue that these things aren’t practical and they’re being slaves to a beauty ideal etc. or overcompensating for their muscles. But I think these women are using their bodies to express both vulnerability and strength.
Lol. Don’t know if this makes sense. Sometimes I ramble.
But thanks for your feedback. 
Hi Esther,
You mentioned Hollywood movies and their portrayal of darker skinned people in an earlier comment.
I’m curious, if you were to make a movie, how would you like to see a darker skinned person portrayed?
Would love to hear your thoughts! =]
Hi Nichole,
I love your question. Thank you for asking. Specifically, I would love to see darker skinned black women portrayed as “the beauty” in some films. I would like to see them in romantic comedies, or chic-flics or maybe portrayed as a heroine. Too often I end up seeing dark skinned women in films like Precious, The Help and The Colour Purple which generally focus on the ugliness of being black in America.
In general I would like to see movies made about the following:
2) Movies that look at issues that all women struggle with but see it through “black eyes.” Things like teenage angst, anorexia, love, the immigrant experience, teenage rebellion, marriage, raising kids, faith vs. atheism, suffering,
3) Movies about the 1970s Rebellion in Trinidad in which black people and Indo-Caribbean people revolted against unfair wages and the greed of foreign investors; the slave revolt in Haiti that led to Haiti being the first independent Caribbean island; the interracial relationships/ families that took place on the island along side slavery; feminism in the Caribbean,
4) I would make a movie about Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye. I think all women could relate to this book. It explores the construction of the ideal beauty i.e. blue-eyed blonde.
5) I would make movies about the ancient kingdoms in Africa like Nubia, The Great Zimbabwe Kingdom, Kingdom of Benin and Ethiopia. Very few people know that in Africa there were economically thriving kingdoms, that Africans were conquerors, that they had great structures made of mud, stone and coral.
6) I would like to see a movie about the interaction (relationships) between African Indians and native Africans as depicted in MG Vassanji’’s book, The In-Between life of Vikram Lall.
Thanks for your question:)
Hi Ester,
Thank you for responding! I can not wait to see a movie that encompasses what you have described!
I am glad you mentioned the Haitian Revolution! I do think that there should be more said, in general, about it. It is truly one of the greatest revolutions that has the least amount of respect and emphasis it deserves. Out of all of the revolutions going on at the time, the Haitian slaves were able to defeat Napoleon’s army which made France the only country to loose control of its colony. The revolution opened the gateway for Spain to abolish slavery and made America more cautious of a possible revolt (to the credit of slaves). However, to the embarrassment of France and economic hit it laid in, perhaps that is why this revolution is, unfortunately, not well known.
How about a movie about a black female heroine discovering beauty and feminism in the Haitian Revolution?
I’d love to see a movie about it!
Thank you again for your response!
Wow Nichole,
You seem quite knowledgeable about the Haitian Revolution. It is quite inspiring. There are lots of other slave revolts that took place in other islands that we do not often read about in history books. Keep sharing this story about Haiti.
One day, I hope these movies will be developed and shown. Thanks again for your question. It was fun to answer.
Re: What causes the Afro-Trinidadians to undermine your ethnicity? And how do you go about being humble enough to share the value and weaknesses of your own Canadian and Caribbean experiences?
What helps you to measure yourself fully as important and significant without having superiority? This last question is for everyone.
Hi
Just apologizing for the delayed response on here! It’s great returning and seeing where the conversations have led. It’s been enlightening trailing along. I just wanted to respond to Jonalyns previous questions posted earlier.
I have way too many experiences to share where I have felt personally attacked by some individuals from that group (Afro-trinidadians). I continue to still experience it depending on where I go. There are rural parts in Trinidad where it appears as though some people are far too concerned about one’s ethnic background negating the fact that they may share the same gender,faith or blood type! I think that the answer to the question as to why some persons who are Afro-trinidadian may have undermined my ethnic background or others would definitely be a multifaceted one.
A lot of it may have to do with West-Indian history where East Indian indentureship and African Slave trades occurred. In addition to that,Trinidad’s political history which has caused divisions amongst the different groups. Today, this unfortunately continues though in lesser degrees,many hold the consensus that political parties are racially-minded and whichever political party holds the power,also in turn epitomizes one group above the other. Currently, our prime minister is also of the indo-trinidadian heritage and I have heard the slandering of her ethnic background and by extension,her religion as a result. Politics definitely fuels this division whether people would like to admit it or not.
Not to mention all the stereotypes. An older coworker of mine of Afro-trinidadian descent, assumed that because I was of a certain heritage, I would know how to cook like someone well-versed in East-Indian cuisine.
When I felt victimized because of my ethnic background at one point in a university class, I decided to go to my academic advisor. I remember being told by him that people respond in certain ways because of their own experiences which brings me to my next point. Socialization, is probably largely responsible for certain groups to undermine another. I was raised with parents who allowed me to interact with a variety of races as a child which was crucial. They allowed me to see that ethnic backgrounds did not matter. One of my best friends as a child was Native-American and my mom cared for him like her own son,and he,my brother. My mom would also look out for a younger child that rode my school bus who was from Nairobi. I could go on with the stories I have and my socialization process as to why I would never see myself or my ethnic background as superior but fully and equally important to others. I also believe that everyone’s perspective deserves to be heard and everyone’s collective experiences are unique to the individual. I personally love learning and am genuinely interested in hearing the experiences of others and although it places me in a vulnerable place, I would share my experiences because I am interested to hear what others on here have to share as well.My difficulty sets in, when in reality, I share these experiences and the person on the other end of the spectrum chooses to remain in ignorance or advocate for divisions amongst the ethnic groups.
Excellent words, Kesara.
I loved this “political parties are racially-minded and whichever political party holds the power,also in turn epitomizes one group above the other.” I think that happens in America, too, beyond race into belief structures and socio-economic class.
I appreciate how you had multi-ethnic friends growing up. My family, too, sharing our home with exchange students from all over the world. This helped me so much, for nothing breaks down barriers as friendship with someone who used to be foreign.
Thank you for helping us move out of ignorance.