A man walks past your office, he’s eating a sandwich that smells like heaven. You notice it’s past lunch. You want your own. You don’t steal this man’s sandwich, instead you go out looking for your own. You eat. You are satisfied.
Photo credit: Kel Elwood
A hot man walks past your office. You notice him and you notice your own desire. Not for him, but for your husband. You recognize the rhythm, it’s time. After work (or lunch break?) you go home. You make love. You are satisfied.
But what if this man is a co-worker. What if he greets you regularly and you start to notice that he has become the fire behind your love making with your husband? Is this good?
It all depends.
Appetite
Our appetite for sex, like our appetite for food, reveals how similar and different we are from each other.
When eating, we each prefer different portions, different times, different table manners. We all have unique cravings.
We each have different triggers of our sexual appetite, different amounts of sex we want, different ways we want to do it. We all have things (a scent, a song, a photo) unrelated to sex that turn us on.
Despite our different appetites, we all have lines we don’t want to cross. We all know some sex, like some food, is not good for us.
Sexually Hungry
With E.L. James Fifty Shades Trilogy topping the New York Times’ bestseller list it’s rather obvious to me that women are sexually hungry. If you haven’t had good sex in years, you will do a happy swan dive into Fifty Shades of Gray. Thirty to fifty-year-old women are recommending the series as the jump start to mommy libido.
photo credit: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/business/media/an-erotic-novel-50-shades-of-grey-goes-viral-with-women.html
The male lead, Christian Grey, is reminiscent of Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre). Despite the more than adequate proof that Grey is good in bed, I found myself uninterested in finishing the book. Grey’s fetish for sadomasochism, while erotic, is also troubling. Punishment turns him on in a way reminiscent of sexual and physical abusers. Even the compassionate female protagonist, Anastasia Steel reaches her limit and (spoiler alert) leaves at the end of the first book.
Still it’s easy to relate to Ana and her hope to save Grey from his darker side. I could relate to her fixer-upper hopes and yet, Fifty Shades of Gray felt both boring, a somewhat predictable S-and-M Cinderella story.
So why are so many women intrigued?
Christian cares about knowing Ana. If the man you’re with no longer wants to know you, Christian Grey is a very handsome substitute.
Whenever a man studies you to bring out your pleasure, from the herbal tea to the music to the brown leather whip . . . do you really care what he’s doing, so long as you tumble into another orgasm?
Sexual boredom can make S-and-M look like a fairyland. How?
Nothing feels so good (to woman or man) as intentional service for your pleasure. But Christian Gray isn’t serving me, he’s serving Anastasia Steele.
E. L. James Photo credit: Michael Lionstar
What Makes Sex Good?
Most marriages are like a hot bath. They’re great when you first get in, but after awhile they’re not so hot anymore (The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What it Really Takes to Stay Married).
The key ingredient to keeping marriage hot is desire.
Fifty Shades of Gray works, for some, because Gray was written as desirable. E. L. James explained on The Today Show “I put all my fantasies, out there.” You read enough sex scenes, you imagine that being done to your body and you put the book down and go hunting for your husband. No wonder husbands love the book.
So what can be wrong with a book that’s helping couples do it?
It all depends. Once you’ve found your husband, who are you really making love to? Him or Gray?
It turns out you cannot judge your sex life simply by how easily or how often you get turned on. You gauge your sex life by how much you desire your spouse.
The goal is to be turned on by the person you have married. To cultivate a taste for him.
Sex and Knowledge
As followers of the God of Israel, we want more than tittilation in bed. We want what Adam had with Eve.
We want knowledge, vulnerability, safety . . . and sex. ”And Adam knew his wife” (Gen. 4:1).
Good sex is about wanting and feeling known. Even Ana craves that with Christian Gray “Do I know Christian intimately? I know him sexually, I figure there’s a lot more to discover.”
I have little doubt the next two books will find Ana discovering. But if the first book is any indication it will be through co-dependently offering her body for more beatings so she can unlock Christian’s fear of being known. Then, they’ll live happily ever after.
Personally, if I need a jumpstart to my desire I’ll read Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man or Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Relationships. Or I’ll recall how the man I married makes love to me.
He knows me better than Christian Gray.
Fifty Shades of Gray is easy arousal because it doesn’t ask anything. You simply consume.
But I want my sexual cravings met with the real thing.
A husband with his body and soul in my bed.
I love that you compare desiring someone else’s food with desiring someone else’s husband. Infidelity is so simple, really. There’s not much grey area in infidelity. It could be difficult for someone else to point it out, but for the one committing the act, it’s pretty easy to spot it.
Sparking sexual chemistry within a marriage doesn’t happen by thinking about anyone else. Because Jesus tells us that visualizing that infidelity is as bad as doing it with our bodies.
I’ve been challenged lately to think about every other man as if he is a brother. It’s a traditional Christian perspective and helps me focus on how God intends me to treat each man who is not my husband.
Mandy,
Thank you. I’ve been reading a lot about comparing Food and Sex lately. It seems to be the buzz. I’m glad you appreciated it.
I think of the slow food movement and comparing it to the slow sex movement. The slowness is what makes it good for everyone.
If there’s one thing 50 Shades had it was SPEED. Quickness without depth. There’s this perpetual hunger for more, which is among other things an aphrodisiac. It works well in a novel.
But I don’t like living hungry!
Don’t you think that desire to live satisfied is behind Jesus’ command to not imagine sex with men not your husband?
“Quickness without depth. There’s this perpetual hunger for more, which is among other things an aphrodisiac. It works well in a novel.”
It also works well in pornography.
That it does.
Great point, Mandy. All women in the Body of Christ are my sisters. Only one of them is also my wife and that makes her the only one I’m to consider in any sort of wifely way (such as sex).
Tim
any sort of wifely way
I like that! Taking ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ from a noun to an adverb seems like a useful way of remembering that they are so much more than titles.
HA! I make up words all the time, Christina. It’s easy since all words are made up words anyway. And I feel free to make ‘em up as the need arises!
Tim
i have to admit that i can’t really speak to the characters’ physical relationship because of my lack of experience. but my understanding (and hope!) is that in a healthy marriage, like you’ve suggested, the physical intimacy is reflective of the overlapping of two lives, souls, minds. when partners holistically treat one another with respect, selflessness, playfulness, and equality, they are satisfied relationally and sexually.
so, on the flip side, so much about the way Grey talks to Ana ‘outside of the red room’ bothers me- speaking like an adult to a child, commanding her, the contract – it honestly horrifies me. orgasms or not, this is not a relationship i envy.
Christine,
I think you’ve tapped the goal of sex. Doesn’t matter if you’ve experienced it or not, you’re correct that sex is for knowing not just pleasurable sensation.
The way Grey tries to maintain control is exactly what makes him so tragic. I hope the other 2 books show him repenting of this dominance, but I’m not sure James set it up to make that possible.
Loved this last line “Orgasms or not, this is not a relationship I envy.”
Ditto
So many great points and questions!
It turns out you cannot judge your sex life simply by how easily or how often you get turned on. You gauge your sex life by how much you desire your spouse.
Would we then also judge our sex lives by the level of guilt we may or may not feel over desiring someone else? Where do we draw the line on fantasies and how they affect the physical aspect of our sex lives with our spouse?
I have not read it, but your description of ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ reminds me of a movie called ‘The Secretary’ with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader.
In the movie, she’s recently released from a psych hospital and is a cutter. She ends up getting a job as the secretary for a lawyer (Spader), and the two of them end up going through a rather mentally/emotionally entangling thing, as well as having S&M relations.
Where it differs from this book, though, is that before Gyllenhaal and Spader ever have sex, there is an effort to figure each other out. Ironically, one of the first meaningful exchanges they ever have is him telling her to stop hurting herself.
Which also has me asking, Are there limits to what fetishes monogomous married couples can indulge in before entering into sin? I would imagine so, but especially in the realm of S&M, where would such a line be drawn?
Christine,
Good question about judging out sex lives.
I don’t think our level of guilt is a good way to judge anything. Guilt is often a result of societal, cultural or parental situation as it is the work of the Spirit.
Where do we draw the line on fantasies? LOVE it, I wanted to answer this question in my post, but didn’t want to make it too long.
By fantasies do you mean imagining sexual misadventures with men not your husband or imagining doing things WITH your husband? If the former, then read my post on Red-Blooded women and Lust: Alive and Well among women. Search for these key words in the box above.
If the latter then I am a firm believer in honestly sharing your fantasies. First, share your fantasy with yourself.
Then, with God. Then, if you sense his happiness over it, share with your husband.
There are many good fantasies that we have that I believe could be great to talk about and even try with our spouses. For instance, the fantasy of sex in the rain or sex with your husband while he’s still in his work clothes, or different positions, or oral sex etc, etc.
I don’t want to get too explicit here, but if you’d like to talk about this more, email me.
Fifty Shades of Gray reminded me of The Secretary as well.
You asked “Which also has me asking, Are there limits to what fetishes monogomous married couples can indulge in before entering into sin? I would imagine so, but especially in the realm of S&M, where would such a line be drawn?”
I think there are lines that need to be drawn, I think some sexual acts (like some food as I mentioned before) is bad for us and therefore not good.
I’m thinking of writing a new post called “What’s wrong with S&M?” collaborating with a few marriage and family therapists. What do you think?
I’d be very interested in a post on S&M, Jonalyn. Similarly, are you familiar with Taken in Hand relationships? Although they say they are different than S&M, there seem to be many similarities. I’ve also heard of Taken in Hand relationships being suggested for women in ultra-conservative sects who are ‘rebellious’ and ‘need to be controlled’ by their husbands.
Alicia,
Fascinating find of these Taken in Hand relationships. How did you hear about these male-controlled relationships? They sound incredibly unhealthy.
I’ll be working on this S&M post soon.
Thanks for letting me know you’re interested.
Hi Jonalyn,
Pertaining to the guilt factor, I don’t think I’ve ever consciously recognized that before–that much of our guilt can stem from societal or personal pressures and may not be from God. This is a good thing to chew on. In a way, I wonder if accepting and acting out of earthly guilt is in some cases “easier” for people to handle instead of looking to God and Scripture for guidance and answers.
Sharing fantasies is such a bold and intimidating concept! So often we keep them to ourselves, when sharing them could possibly bloom a relationship further. It’s such a bold move on both accounts–the spouse-driven fantasy and all of the others. While I don’t think it’s wise for anyone to humor fantasies with people outside of our spouses (and what if we’re single?!), these fantasies are also clearly unavoidable. As you suggest, talking about it is a great option. Brave and honest, and something to be worked out and understood between marital lovers. I’ve found myself from time to time also asking God to help squelch the images in my head. Sometimes He does, and other times it seems that I’m left to my own devices to hopefully make the right decisions.
I was reading over your article, Lust-Alive and Well Amongst Women. Lust is capable of bringing us to insane and shameful places. It saddened me that your friend Gabe seemed used to being objectifed. Life is full of two-way streets, and respecting one another’s bodies and wishes needs to always be one of them. This woman using her gender as a weapon is just embarrassing and awful.
It’s also interesting that you bring up that it may be impossible to lust after one’s own spouse. This is a concept I’ve wondered myself. On one hand, you have married a person-mind, body, spirit. Considering that we are (hopefully) attracted to our spouse sexually, is it okay to occasionally view them in a strictly carnal manner? Or must our appetite only be whetted when we take them as a whole? It seems sensible that so long as we don’t take our spouse for granted, that this would not be wrong. I mean, when we admire our husbands for their compassion or intelligence, it does not cross our minds that in that same moment we must admire their posterior at the same time…
Also, I was thrilled to see you reference XXXChurch! It’s such an important organization on so many levels, which I pray gets more and more streamlined. Can you believe that Craig Gross has occasionally been told by some pastors, “Look, you’re not welcome here with this message. Our church does not have a pornography problem, and it’s not something we’re going to talk about.
I’m thinking of writing a new post called “What’s wrong with S&M?” collaborating with a few marriage and family therapists. What do you think?
Do it! Wherever such a line would end up being drawn, I think it’s a subject many people are curious about. Non-traditional sex is such an important subject, not just because it’s non-traditional sex, but because it’s something that I think everyone wonders about, but not many people–especially Christians–feel safe talking about. What will they think of me if I so much as mention this?! Especially with the professional opnions of therapists involved, I think it could be a powerful read. It may allow some people to feel more at ease about their desires, while helping others to understand that having such desires does not make someone less of a person, or less of a Christian. And to me, the thing that strikes me about S&M is how many layers there are. It’s something that could be potentially harmless and light, or extremely dangerous. So in many regards, it seems like a discussion worth having.
Christina,
Enjoyed your response. I’m glad to hear you will chew more on these ideas. I need to, as well, especially if I’m going to write a post on sadomasochism.
Your point about single women is good to consider, too. I’ve addressed some of the sexuality questions about masturbation, self-stimulation and lust for unmarried women in the video on the right column “Sexuality Panel.”
And to speak directly to your question about a the possibility of wanting our spouses in a purely carnal way, I agree. We are freely invited to admire our spouse in a physical, erotic way (Song of Solomon is a good example) as part of the ownership of each other’s bodies (see 1 Cor 7:4).
I loved your point that you can enjoy your husband’s compassion without simultaneously admiring his other body parts.
Great example!
Wow – Christina, you ask great quesions, I echo them!
Fantasies & singleness is a really confused area to me. On the one hand…I know it is natural and good to think about sex and don’t want to think they are ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’…yet what are healthy boundaries for it? That won’t hurt future mates or marriage life? I think I need to read your post on red blooded women again
C.J.
I am thinking over your question, too. What kind of fantasies are appropriate for single women?
I’d love any ideas from others, too.
I might also rewatch that sexuality panel – I found that fascinating and it addressed a lot of generally unaddressed questions!
And…not that you have to specifically address what fantasies are appropriate but I guess my questions is….if, in the Bible, just thinking something is as bad as doing it (i.e. imagining sex with someone), do I just avoid thinking about it altogether? That doesn’t seem healthy!! Perhaps it is the line between lust and simple appreciation (the way I look at a guy – think of him as a brother or as an object).
I can’t just turn off sexuality while I’m not allowed to take part in it at the moment…yet, I don’t know how to allow that part any place when fantasy seems like it would only be lust.
I might just need to do a bit more work of prayerfully inviting God into that part of my life, to direct my mind to more useful, creative, beneficial thoughts rather than ones that must remain unfulfilled at the moment.
Hey C.J.
It’s a good question. I’ve found that if you cannot legitimately do it right now then you can turn your desire into hope.
Does that make sense?
For example, I may want to make love to my boyfriend, but I cannot as I’m not married. So I turn that desire into hope that God will keep us together and bring us to marriage.
This exercise is excellent as even in marriage you find you have to wait, hope, be patient sexually.
I agree that the more you can invite Jesus into these moment, the more you are open to receive the Spirit’s help. He can help us be pure and appreciative in our thought-life of men. But we can’t just follow a discipline to make it on our own.
Jonalyn,
First of all, I love that picture of you and Dale. So sweet. I love how you guys love each other!
I’m halfway through 50 Shades of Grey and I’m all kinds of disturbed! This book, by the authors own admission, is many of her fantasies all in one book. Seriously!? I keep thinking “What virgin would enter into such a creepy relationship?” I feel like the author is trying to normalize S&M and it’s not normal. It’s a fetish that’s hidden in dark places and she’s trying to bring it into the light. Mr. Grey may be attractive, although she doesn’t do a great job of describing his face, but he’s freaky. Only a billionaire could get away with a lifestyle like this. If he was an average Joe living in sububia and driving a Ford, there wouldn’t be a story.
I agree with you about cultivating a desire for your spouse. It’s sad when women need to read salacious, forbidden sex books in order to feel something. But it worries me that couples will entertain this type of arrangement because of this book.
When I meet with my book club, who by the way, are all in their 50s, it will be interesting to hear what they say about it. I don’t really know them and it will be my first “official” gathering. What a way to go in! I’ll have to report back what they say. Should be interesting to say the least.
Jules,
Creepy is a good word.
I’m dying to know, how did book club go?
What insight did you find?
Did you finish the book, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.
Jonalyn,
Book club isn’t for 2 more weeks. Yes, I’m curious as well.
I actually did finish the book, although I struggled with if I should or not. I will NOT be reading the rest of them. I had a really controlling boyfriend in college. Although, we never had sex, he did a lot of things that Christian did: Wanting to know where I was, who I was with, why I didn’t tell him things, etc. It’s a horrible way to have a relationship when you always feel unstable and he has the upper hand in everything. But when someone is attractive, has charisma, and can “talk you into things” it’s very hard to break away. Plus, I was naive too. But Christian and Ana’s relationships takes all of that to the furthest degree and people find it romantic, which disturbs me. I’m glad she left him at the end of the book and that’s how I’ll always remember her…happy without him.
I’ll post my findings from the book club if you still want to know later this month. Thankfully, our next two books are about navy seals and the holocaust. Ahh, light reading.
I’ve been having a fascinating and rather heavy discussion with a Clarisse Thorn on my comments under What’s Wrong with S&M?… she’s a practicing Sub and I would love to have her answer this question:
Can a Dom be a Dom without being controlling?
So far Clarisse has said that Dom’s are not supposed to be abusive in any way and that Christian Gray was a bad example of a good Dom.
I think it would be good for someone else to ask Clarisse, I’ve already been peppering her with questions…but no pressure.
THANK YOU for your perspective!!!! So many Christian bloggers out there are tearing this book up and down for inciting lust, making women crave “dangerous” sex acts, etc. As if we aren’t intelligent enough to decide for ourselves. Just like with the sandwich. I don’t appreciate being told what to view, read, or listen to. One of my friends who lectured me at length about the dangers of reading this book, went on in the next breath to tell me that her 8 year old son was playing the M-rated, shoot-em-up video game “Halo”. Why is gratuitous, graphic violence OK but hot sex is not> At least in Christendom, it seems. Hmm. Anyway.
If anything, Fifty Shades (poorly written as it was) incited desire for MY OWN HUSBAND, and truthfully I was wholly turned off by most of the BDSM stuff. Another benefit which came of reading it, is that I examined closely the Biblical meaning of submission and committed to apply it in my own life (something I’ve long struggled with)
Emily,
Very good to hear your response. In reading 50 Shades I also had distinct memories of the good sexual relationship I have with my husband. More often than not I felt myself saying, “okay, yeah that’s fun” (about the vanilla sex parts). Then, realize that I believe my husband and I have more fun that Ana and Christian were having.
The book, because of the bondage and punishment combined with Ana’s codependency left me feeling that fiction is less rich than life.
I love everything you said. You are very frank in your discussion. I think so many of us are afraid to confront the issues of this book and the issues found in other books like Twilight. We are too afraid to say what we know is true. This book is porn for women, plain and simple. It is not healthy and it is not holding marriages together. I agree that women reading these books are sexually hungry. They want what they are not getting in marriage or long for something more their husband is not fulfilling, so they turn to these books whether they realize it or not. I also think we expect our husbands to meet all of our needs instead of trusting God to do that. When our husbands fall short, we often begin to look to other men who show us attention or books tailored towards lonely, desperate women. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to shed light on this issue!
Meltitus,
Thank you for writing in. I do my best to be both frank and sensitive.
I’m curious about some specifics of how you see Twilight as pornographic. Would you be able to share a few illustrations?
Thanks,
Jonalyn
If you haven’t already seen this Funny or Die video spoofing Fifty Shades of Gray, you must see it now.
three minutes long
starring Selena Gomez
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5c061dfb20/fifty-shades-of-blue-with-selena-gomez