This post is part of the February Synchroblog “Cross Gender Friendships”. See all contributions at the end of this post.
I read Anna Latimer’s amazing article on Gold Star Sticker Sex (“I used to give out sex like gold star stickers and I’m glad I did.”) at xoJane after a Soulation follower (thanks, H!) forwarded me the link. Why amazing? Latimer pulled back a curtain on what’s really happening for women who have casual sex.
Anna Latimer
xoJane may be the #1 fastest-growing women’s lifestyle brand online for a reason. They’re marketed with a cozy girlfriend tone and they’re bolder about personal (read genital) stuff. xoJane is a statement that “women are just as selfish as menfolk” (their words, not mine, About page).
Still, despite the assurance that I’d get honesty at xoJane I wasn’t convinced until I read Latimer’s article. Here’s a sampler:
We had sex with friends we liked and trusted, almost as a prize for being awesome. It was our seal of approval: “You’re an attractive and accomplished person, and I admire you. Congratulations! Gold star for you . . .
Many, although not all, of my girlfriends have had Gold Star Sticker Sex, or they wish they had. Twenty-six-year-old Charlotte is one example. She’s engaged now, but she feels the tug of wanting to share more intimacy with her best guy friend, Dave.
“I want to give myself to him, because the only way I know how to be more intimate with someone than I am with [Dave] is to make love to him,” Charlotte told me in an email.
She continued, “I know that ‘give myself to him’ is a very old-fashioned way of putting it, but it’s the most appropriate. It is a reward, of sorts. It’s a thank-you, certainly. And in some strange way, it’s also a blessing — a benediction to sanctify our relationship.”
Meanwhile, 27-year-old Molly told me about a conversation she’d recently had with an English friend of hers. “She said something along the lines of, ‘I don’t sleep with Isaac because I am sexually attracted to him, but because I adore him as a friend and I want to be closer.’”
Multiple examples later, Ms. Latimer proves rather well that the hook-up culture and making love are not the only ways to ‘do it’. I wanted more background, so I asked Anna Latimer for an interview. She kindly obliged. There was one thing she wanted to make very clear,
I did not write to give programmatic Cosmo-style sexual advice, but as a pushing back against the idea that young, single women are on the whole having debased, damaging sex, unaware of its profound connective and spiritual properties.
I agree with C.S. Lewis’ basic interpretation of what Jesus has to say about sex: it’s less of a problem to be promiscuous than a prig, though of course it’s better to be neither. I’m not okay with the way many branches of the modern church interpret what Jesus (and Paul) said about right sexual conduct. Nor am I okay with the disproportionate emphasis some put on sexual morality respective to other concerns of Christian life and service. 
Close-minded sanctimony–i.e. pride–seems like poison for the soul, the most important thing for any spiritual seeker to avoid. Giving of yourself–heaping people with love–strikes me as its opposite–the soul’s nourishment, vital to its health. I don’t mean to say that “giving of yourself” need involve sex…or even that it should. But I think it’s better to give that love in a slightly sloppy and imperfect way–if that’s the only way you can do it at a certain point in your life–than it is to hold onto that love, to be a perfectionist about its method of delivery.
I have to admire how Latimer takes the religious virginal cult language (“You will wish you had saved yourself!”) and turns it on its head. Now, you might regret saving yourself when you could have been more generous.
Even if sex with guy-friends is (what Latimer admitted to me) a “sloppy and imperfect expression of your love”, it can give you life-long friends, good giggles and a happy marriage to boot. Sounds pretty good to me. I’m already thinking of all those guy-friends I should have sex with to underline my appreciation.
Yes, that was a joke. So is “saving yourself” for marriage a sign of a sanctimonious prig? Are virgins perfectionist and stingy? Is sex sometimes the only way some women can heap their guy-friends with love?
Gold Star Rating
Five Stars: Latimer gets how sex is more than “soulless rutting.” She shows that screwing is actually sacred, when you mean it. While Latimer wouldn’t agree with me she’s giving evidence for the Biblical view. As she puts it “Every day, women in their twenties have meaningful, intimate, sober, relationship-enhancing sex that is also (gasp!) casual.” More on casual sex in a moment.
Four Stars: Latimer nails the risk of sexuality. It will change everything. But riskiness is not identical to creativity or even love. Even if you have open, honest relationship, sex will recast your friendship and replace friendship-intimacy with lovers-intimacy. If Don Draper had causal sex with Peggy Olson, if Jack Donaghy had casual sex with Liz Lemon wouldn’t their friendship lose as much as it gained? Sex has not stood the test of time as a good fall-back to discover happiness and pleasure. Aren’t there enough modern life Fantines (Les Miserables) to show it does the opposite?
The leisure of casual, intimate sex without pregnancy, disease and abandonment is more often a luxury of the upper classes. I’m alarmed that Latimer and friends see sex as their best or the most natural way to bless a male and female friendship with intimacy. If you plan ahead and know your guy-friends beyond their sexual drives, there are other creative, embodied, intimate ways to show appreciation. Just a short brainstorming session opens up many ways to find sensual happiness and pleasure between guys and girls without producing your genitals: cooking, eating, concert watching, movie-making, beach running, painting, photo-shooting, hunting, jeeping, moonlight snowshoeing, sailing, swimming, caring for children, teaching, cleaning, moving, road-tripping, singing, worshipping, crying. Sometimes sex is even the easy (lazy) way out. Remind me of Roy on Valentine’s Day who makes up for his forgetfulness and stinginess by announcing, “Get your coat, Pam. Tonight, I’m going to give you the best sex you’ve ever had!” After seeing everyone else’s balloons, flowers and candy, Pam wants more than a roll in the hay. She wants more than reward sex because sex, for all it’s ecstasy, is only one color in the pleasure spectrum.
Three Stars: “Sex works as a reward.” I have serious trouble here. Last I checked, rewards were what my mom or teacher gave me when I behaved well. Latimer’s reward system, her “seal of approval” is a little bit too greater-than-thou for me (NOW you are good enough to get sex!). Latimer is not alone in believing “reward-sex” is part of a woman’s domain. In fact, I would imagine most sexually active women know that sex is one of the oldest rewards. Granting sex is the ultimate reward for many men. But not all men. I’ve offered sex as a “thank you” and “gold star sticker” to my husband and had my offer spurned. My husband wants nothing to do with sex when it’s in gold-star-sticker form. He wants to know that I’m more about wanting him than rewarding him.
Two Stars: “Casual sex is relationship-enhancing.” For a long time we’ve been told that you can’t have cross- sex friendship, you can’t even have intimacy without sex. Latimer and many of her commentors have bought into this norm. I part ways with her and most evangelicals right here. I believe in a third way, intimacy without eros, or as C.S. Lewis would put it, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with my friends rather than face-to-face as lovers. This work of intimacy with my guy friends (without sex) is much harder work than anything I’ve known (it’s plowing against culture). But it is worth it. Sex with my guy-friends would decrease our relationship’s intimacy compared to what I have now. Pardon the crassness, but there’s a closeness between men and women that outruns pussy + cock. Harry and Sally are Wrong, sex doesn’t always become a good part of guy and girl friendship. This April, I’ll be joining a dream team of writers and speakers who believe in cross-sex friendship (without sex). Join us for the Sacred Friendships Gathering.
One Star: I’m stumbling over the connection Latimer wants to make between casual sex and sacred sex. Sacred means “to dedicate or set apart.” If a prayer rug is used as a door mat, if a prayer shawl is used to dust the banisters… is it still sacred? If I use something as sacred as sex in a casual way, is it still sacred? I realize Latimer is still making sex a special thing for some guy friends, but how much can you casual-ize sex and keep it set-apart? One last note, I’d like to challenge Latimer’s assumption that virgins before their wedding day may be simply perfectionist, priggish, selfish prudes. I was none of these (more here: God Wants the Broken) even though I was a virgin. What my husband and I share is a place no one on earth can step foot, it is a sanctuary where we honor the sacred space of body and soul. It is a place that is always holy ground.
Chris Jefferies – Best of both
Jeremy Myers – Are Cross-Gender Friendships Possible
Lynne Tait – Little Boxes
Dan Brennan – Cross-Gender Friendship: Jesus and the Post-Romantic Age
Glenn Hager – Sluts and Horndogs
Jennifer Ellen – A Different Kind of Valentine
Alise Wright - What I get from my cross-gender friend
Liz Dyer – Cross-Gender Friendships and the Church
Paul Sims – Navigating the murky water of cross-gender friendships
Jonalyn Fincher – Why I Don’t Give out Sex like Gold Star Stickers
Maria Kettleson Anderson - Myth and Reality: Cross-Gender Friendships
Bram Cools - Nothing More Natural Than Cross-Gender Friendships?
Hugo Schwyzer – Feelings Aren’t Facts: Living Out Friendship Between Men and Women
Marta Layton – True Friendship: Two Bodies, One Soul
Kathy Escobar – The Road To Equality Is Paved With Friendship
Karl Wheeler – Friends at First Sight
Doreen Mannion - Hetereosexual, Platonic Cross-Gender Friendships–Learning from Gay & Lesbian Christians
Jim Henderson – Jesus Had A Thing for Women and So Do I
Elizabeth Chapin – 50 Shades of Friendship
Hi. New to your blog and you may ‘unfriend’ me. I loved your post, until the reference to your perfect marriage. Alienating. I am 41, divorced after a flaming, beautiful, crash-and-burn 10 year marriage. Into my 5th long term sexual relationship. And I had my first one night stand at 40! Also glad I did it. Just because. I discovered something about myself through the experience and can now relate to more women because of it. And yes, I gave something sacred and he received great sex. For three amazing hours. And that was it. Took me a good part of a year to recover. Still glad I did it.
Nik,
I hope as we get to know one another better through commenting back and forth you will find that I do not unfriend others so easily. I’m glad you commented.
My main concern in responding is that I clarify that sacredness is not identical to perfection. An analogy may help. A priest may use a sacred silver goblet for celebrating the Eucharist, but the sacred goblet does not make the priest perfect.
In like manner, the sacred place where my husband and I make love does not mean either of us are perfect. Virginity is not evidence of perfection. When I got married I was riddled (still am) with bossiness, codependency, resentment, passive and active aggression, dishonesty and the biggest one, fear.
In writing this post my biggest concern was showing Anna Latimer’s points and then explaining that just because a man or woman is a virgin it doesn’t make her prideful, priggish or selfish. That said, though, I hope I can reiterate that I am not, nor is my marriage, perfect.
I hope you will feel freedom to share more about how sex outside of the sacredness of marriage gave you good things, experience as you put it, more connection with other women. I’d love to hear more about those benefits, if you want to share.
Hi Nik,
Kinda glad you posted this. I had a friend who experienced a terrible marriage breakup and she told me that premarital sex (casual sex) actually contributed to healing her emotional pain. I was 20 she was 35 and I had no idea what she was talking about.
She didn’t regret that experience but she did stop because she felt convicted of her ‘sin’. And I guess this is for Jonalyn as well, I mean how do you even begin to say well you shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage. And you should feel shame. Sex was part of her healing process… I literally saw her come alive. She was more confident.
When I hear stories like this I wonder what we teach about casual sex, shame, guilt etc.
Esther,
I’m not sure where you see me suggesting women feel ashamed. shame has never been my goal in writing about sexual ethics. This charge concerns me.
Regarding your question, are you wanting Biblical or natural law reasons in your question about pre-marital or extra-marital sex?
It is interesting to ponder that reward sex in a marriage bed is not only demeaning to our men, but is truly a lowering of ourselves (and not in a humble sense). To place sex in such little esteem really devalues its beauty and sacredness for both parties involved.
It is so hard to hear virgins referred to selfish, perfectionist or priggish!
As a 30 year old and a virgin, I can tell you my choice of virginity has nothing to do with any of those words. And I am treated quite poorly by many people for this choice. Being a virgin at 30 is not a popular choice these days, I have yet to find a Doctor who actually believes my sexually inactive life! I wish people could respect it as a choice made with consideration for my health, fertility, soul-care and future relationship intimacy and not just a religious obligation. I have made this choice very consciously and personally.
Using sex as a gold star makes me think that our western culture, which is so disconnected (no sense of community, physical distance, valuing ego over soul) has created this mentality. We are seeking intimacy but aren’t quite sure how to cultivate it…so we go overboard, offering our sex (though not bad and yes, is an option for intimacy) when a different gesture may have fulfilled just as well. I see Anna’s desire to connect, to show gratitude, to celebrate the life of herself and others, to embody her joy and delight. These are beautiful things! It makes me wonder how else I can live these ideas besides offering sex. I liked your brainstorm list…I think there is so much to intimacy, emotional/physical/mental/spiritual, and sex is just one of the many creative, nuanced, tender, vulnerable, hopeful and joyful ways to connect.
Coryn,
Love your story. Thank you for sharing how difficult it is to be an intentional 30-year-old virgin in the wide world (even Christian world, there’s a little bit of “virginity = disease, so GET MARRIED”).
Let’s invite others to brainstorm ways to create intimacy. Who has more ideas?
Sounds like a new version of good old sexist power games to me (‘as selfish as menfolk? really? instead of fighting the problems joining them and taking control is never the solution…as a man I do find this insulting) The whole ‘I am the woman who is in power to give sex to whomever I want’ stuff is just the same power game with another one on top… (no bad pun intended, sorry) Just as the whole ‘sex as reward’ idea already is a clear indicator of sex not at all being togetherness, but a power game… As a naturally egalitarian all of this is just a remix of the old fight-for-domination-between-the-sexes stuff, and another animal farm revolution.
but gold star stickers (just virtual ones) for finding more redeemable stuff than I did… The whole article made me feel empty and lonely… I don’t think casual sex would ever have communicated any of those things to me…
Brambonius,
I’m thankful you pointed out that this idea is insulting to the menfolk. The “old fight” you mentioned for power reminded me of how Latimer’s idea isn’t a new one. The cult of Artemis with their Wonder of the Ancient World (Temple of Artemis) included sex as part of the male initiate’s “confirmation” in worshipping the Goddess. I can’t help feeling that a goddess outfit is required to think that all my guy-friends want sex from me.
Thanks for the virtual stickers!
I’m glad you wrote this, Jonalyn. Tons of good stuff here!
I have only recently started to comprehend how the gold star sex is a underlying attitude, even in many Christian marriages. I know I have had that idea underlying a lot of my thought for years.
The kinda of thinking, I’ll give you this because I want to make you happy. But, I think you are right in pointing out why this is off. Sex is not a “thing” to give to my husband. It should be a mutual giving of ourselves to each other. The church often fails to speak to this. It is common for couples to have the attitude of, “well he wants it & I’m the only okay place for him to have it, so I should give it”.
“It” is the wrong idea. The idea is “you”.
I am curious about your point (4 stars). In part, I get it. Intimacy is not terribly intimate, if the only way we are intimate is through sex. And you talk about all the other ways to go deep, and be close with someone. But, I fail to understand how sex would make things less intimate. Surely you are not saying that you lost a closeness with Dale, once you consummated your marriage? Surely you are not saying that you are closer to these other guy friends, than you are to your husband? Perhaps your point is to say, once say becomes shared among many, casually, the intimacy isn’t as deep?
Help me out here.
I’m not advocating that you give sex to friends. Ha!
Erin A,
This is why I love this blog, I get to push deeper into the meaning of things. THANK YOU for asking.
I wrestled with that point, too. Sex did make me and Dale more close. But there are guy-friends I have that sex would harm what we have (and not just because “God said not to” though that is a good reason).
With my guy-friends I begin our friendship acknowledging that sex will not (most probably) ever be a way I show them my love. So the ground-rules begin differently. I anticipate showing my nearness in other ways. In many ways it forces me to be more creative, which in turns increases my vocabulary for loving Dale (and my girlfriends).
An example will be useful. Say my friendship with Brandon makes me aware of some conversations I want to have with Dale. After talking with Brandon I bring up new ideas to discuss with Dale and my other girlfriends, Sally and Audra. In the process of loving Brandon, I’ve grown my vocabulary with Dale, Sally and Audra.
So with my friend, Brandon, I cannot fall back on sex as a way to show intimacy, nor do I want to.
In refusing to make sexual intimacy part of my expression I’m forced to build up other types of intimacy (intellectual, spiritual, emotional, social, etc). I actually believe there is an intimacy of soul that compares to the intimacy of flesh. I’m not saying one is better or superior, only that to introduce intimacy of body with my guyfriends I would lose the strength and full-standing (both feet) platform of soul nearness that I’ve built with them. If we use a family analogy it becomes really clear. Imagine your friendship with a male family member, to introduce sex to the friendship would be incest and it would, in fact, ruin the friendship we have (even writing this feel icky). Sex can ruin friendship, even when offered in openness and vulnerability because some friendships cannot and will not sustain it.
I want to rely on the other ways of being close with my guyfriends because it actually makes me more fully human. The friendships I see and admire most between men and women are not simply married couples, but also those who use other languages (shared experiences, intellectual connection, emotional intelligence, etc) to deeply connect.
One final analogy, if I were to use sex as a way to draw close to my guy friends (imagining that I was not married), it would be like starting to speak Spanish with them after having so many years connecting in English. It would force us to start over, in some way. Does that help?
Thanks for the further explanation!
I don’t think I am disagreeing with you. Perhaps just not fully understanding.
I must confess that while I see that it is healthy to have cross-sex friendships, I don’t really have that to the level that you are talking about. So, my experience here is very limited. I have had male friends throughout my life, and some whom are very dear to me. But, it would be a stretch for me to call them “intimate”. And I don’t really desire that. I want my friendships, both male and female ones, to be deep and thoughtful and caring. But, I don’t think I am looking to have the intimacy that I have with Scott with anyone else.
What I do hear you saying is that the place of being “forced” to find other expressions of love and connection really help expand our love vocabulary. And that only enriches our love sharing with our spouse. I totally agree with that.
The example with Brandon does make me still wonder, is it him and the friendship that would be damaged by sex, or is it really that for you , as a married woman, to share that with him, you would be making something sacred and designed for marriage, less than. This would be a negative to your friendship truly because your friendship is not a marriage union.
I guess what I am confused by is, say two people are best, best friends, man and woman, both single. Say they are attracted to each other in a sexual sense, too. Say they have a similar dream for their future. In what context would they be right to believe that marriage and sex would ruin their already great friendship? I ask this because I have had friends who have had this struggle before. And I almost feel like you are describing this as a concern. In my view, the way that sex could ruin your friendship in this context is if you have a unhealthy view of sexuality and one or both parties are unwilling to learn and grow in this.
Erin A,
I think I see your question better.
With Brandon or most my guy-friends, I can be attracted to them without wanting them sexually. In fact, that’s my point. It’s not JUSt that I’m married that keeps me from wanting to have sex with other guys. There are men I love but honestly do not want to make love to them. Cousins, brothers come to mind as good examples. It just would never be appealing to me.
In your example I think this couple would be right to believe marriage and sex would enhance their friendship.
My points were more geared toward those of us who know our cross-sex friendships will not include sex for reasons of romantic attraction or commitment to keeping sexual vocab off the table (in the case of marriage to another or celibacy: a nun or priest would understand this as well).
In terms of ruining, here’s a scenario: I can imagine that sex could ruin a friendship between two like-minded and single people if sex became the primary way they communicated from then on out. Anna’s point is valid here in her article in that “openness and honesty” are more keys to a successful relationship than having or not having sex.
One problem that I see in the Christian subculture is that sex will be haloed and euphoric simply by putting two virgins together. I’m trying to tear down that assumption (slow and steady) here. I want to suggest there are many other colors in the rainbow of intimacy, both for married couples and for cross-sex friendships.
Thanks Jonalyn! I was just trying to clarify that the idea does not need to hold true within marriage.
My husband and I stand face to face AND shoulder to shoulder. Friends AND lovers. Being lovers can turn someone into a lazier friend. But, it doesn’t have to.
And, again, I am talking about within marriage. That when sex is held as sacred, it is not just a “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” It is way beyond that.
A physical connection can be part of a soul connection.
Speaking of your last statement here, I listened to the podcast of you and dale on Girlfriendit. You guys addressed some similar points there. I liked how Dale pointed out that virginity is not necessarily a sign of healthy sexuality.
Erin A,
You are my #CommentoftheDay. Loved your points.
Jonalyn, thanks for pointing me to another good resource on the ways women are thinking about sex! I love how you say, “sex, for all it’s ecstasy, is only one color in the pleasure spectrum.”
I think this language of sex as a reward or sex as a benefit (in “friends with benefits”) is worth exploring more.
I wonder, is there a comparable idea for men? Do men “reward” women friends with sex or are the men always the ones being rewarded? Just thinking out loud here…
I guess I would also ask, does the guy feel like he is being rewarded? I would really like to hear what a guy’s thoughts are on this gold-sticker sex thing.
Esther,
I felt the same way. What if a guy didn’t want that reward? I’m sure in Anna’s case these guys were happy with the gold star.
But I’d imagine it would be incredibly awkward to turn the gift down. I can easily imagine polite acceptant that sort of grin-and-bears it.
There’s a significant double standard here. So when a man takes his “gold star” even if he doesn’t want it we applaud him for saving his friend’s feelings. But when a woman takes a “gold star” even if she doesn’t want it we still call it date rape.
Yes! Why is it okay for a man to feel compelled to have sex? It is not okay!
My first thought, and continuing thoughts, throughout this post was the entire idea of rewarding guy friends with sex was so insulting–both to the guys and to the girls.
Having four brothers, many, many male cousins, and now a husband, I know how to let a guy know that I admire him, or am so thankful for what he does. There’s nothing so meaningful as a choice compliment. If some woman wanted to reward one of my brothers or cousins by having sex with them, I would assume that that woman truly had no grasp of the person of my brother or cousin was.
I think that women who feel they need to reward their guy friends in such a way have never truly experienced friendship with a guy. Not to mention, it’s absurd to pander to that idea that all guys respond to is sex, I mean really…
I know that having (and being friends with) my brothers taught me how to show my husband and other males around me how much I truly value and appreciate them. I also learned how to grow closer in true, pure friendships with males because of my brothers. Ergo, the sexual gold star idea seems absurd to me (not to mention morality, health, etc).
It does buy into the idea that all men are horndogs, which I can’t buy.
Good points about a well-chosen compliment, Susie.
I think what Latimer values as beneficial in giving sex to friends is that she finds it can lead to deeper intimacy, excitement, and openness. I get her point and I appreciate that she believes in intimacy in friendship with the other sex. However, though the goal is deeper friendships, the method uses sex as merely a means to get there. Sex should never be a device, even it is to cultivate intimacy. So can intimacy be had in its fullest in friendships with the opposite sex without having sex? Or is sex the ideal approach? If we look at Jesus who gave himself more fully than any other human, if He loved more fully than any other human, yet without ever giving sex, we must question if sex is the chief expression of intimacy.
This gold-sticker philosophy says something about how we look at each other. This concept says the best we have to give revolves around our genitals and as it has been pointed out, sex may not be the best reward material.
I understand the desire to give yourself fully in a friendship. And yes, this includes sexuality. However, sexuality is not equivalent to having sex. I bring my sexuality into all my relationships because I am a sexual being. Like Jonalyn already brought up, if I desire to give myself fully to my family, I can, and the absence of the intimate act of sex is obviously a positive absence not a negative one.
I understand that a good friend, yes, wants to see the other person happy, fulfilled, and loved; but what a good friend also does is see something in the other person that is valuable, desirable, and deserving of attention beyond their sex drive. Secondly, if a good friend is already engaging their sexuality in a meaningful way in the friendship, having sex would not be needed as a solution to express their admiration for the other person in a way that was missing before, but it would actually say something about the relationship that didn’t fit. I don’t think it is being a good friend, if I assume that my male friends’ biggest need is sex. A good friend gets to know someone enough to love them in the specific ways that speak to them. Thanks for the brainstorming examples Jonalyn! I think these are more loving than sticking on this one-size fits all sticker of sex in thinking, “Hey I want to be closer friends, you have a penis, I have a vagina…you need sex….you’re welcome.”
Esther and Elizabeth, I am also curious what guys would have to say about how they feel or don’t feel rewarded with gold-sticker sex and how they see guys giving out such rewards. I would assume it occurs both ways, even though there is that common myth that “women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex”.
Katelyn,
“Sex should never be a device.” Nicely summarized.
Btw, that last line is a myth, start to finish. It’s just a nice myth to promulgate if you like to play power-games. Sex is a great Ace card.
Katelyn, great thoughts about seeing “beyond their sex drive.” Also, if we are “rewarding” with sex, what is the behavior that we are reinforcing? Since rewards function as reinforcement for behavior – is it the sex act that is getting reinforced or the behavior leading up to it? Sounds like we could get into a lot of trouble using sex as a reward no matter which way we go. Then relationships stay in a transactional place instead of moving into a transformational place where we help one another be more appropriately human.
Before this blog post I had never heard of gold star sex. Comparing reward sex with sacred sex shows how reward sex sounds like a sort of currency, and that sounds similar to something very casual and unpleasant. What would the difference be, for example, between sex as a reward (versus maybe a gift card or special event out) and sex as compensation? What would be the purpose of making a friendship more intimate than it could be without sex, unless it had become romantic? That sounds like what some people call a “f buddy” (I’ll sub the letter for the word.) which is a really close friend who one also has sex with when craving that extra bit of intimacy. It sounds like drive-through intimacy to me – quick easy satisfaction without having to do the work – fast food, the sex edition.
Brilliant!! – “. It sounds like drive-through intimacy to me – quick easy satisfaction without having to do the work – fast food, the sex edition.”
Hey! Author of the xoJane piece here. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of everyone’s comments, as well as Jonalyn’s piece; although I’m new to this community, I already have a very real sense of its respectfulness and intellectual curiosity. So thank you!
That said, I do want to push back on a couple of things:
1. The idea that ‘gold star sex’ was ever something I foisted on unwilling or oblivious men. I understand that given my facile “gold star” nickname, you might get this impression — but these were not encounters that began with me saying anything even remotely equivalent to “hey, I like you and would like to reward you with sex.”
These encounters involved friendship combined with a certain degree of physical attraction, which led to flirtation, which led to sex–by way of a heaping dose of honest, open communication on both sides. They were deeply meaningful, but the opposite of blithe or easy come, easy go.
2. I’m a little disturbed by the implication that Fantine from Les Miz has been held up as an example of one natural end of “gold star” sex. It’s similar to a warning a fundamentalist Muslim friend of mine once gave me, that the premarital sex I was having with my boyfriend might lead me to the fate of Tess of the D’Urbervilles (whose own premarital sex came from rape, but never mind).
Never mind the fact that neither of these women are real: both are from completely different cultural, socioeconomic, and historical contexts to my own. I agree that both of their downfalls serve explicit didactic purposes in their respective novels–but in my reading, these purposes involve criticism of the harsh, unloving strictures of 19th century society–*not* sexual activity per se.
3. I had not envisioned gold star sex as something women gave to men, and not vice versa. Because I was writing for a women’s website, I solicited only women’s voices in my interviews and only spoke of this phenomenon as it relates to women. I now realize that this was a mistake, because I understand how it gives the impression that this is a one-way, gendered street.
I know plenty of men who have chosen to sleep with women for the reasons I describe in the article, and who have initiated these encounters themselves.
I agree with a lot of you that men are unfairly stereotyped as thinking with their penises, wanting sex for sex’s sake at all times, etc. My experience of both male and female sexuality is much more complex and profound than that; I think we’re far more alike than we are different.
4. Finally, and most important: I do not, not, not think that one’s premarital choices are to be sexually active or to be a prig. I tried my best to emphasize this in my original article, and in my interviews with Jonalyn, and if it didn’t come across loud and clear, I’m so very sorry.
When I was in my early 20′s, I *personally* felt I couldn’t untangle emotional openness and giving from my sexuality, but this was for a neurochemical reason. I have ADHD, and the ability to untangle the emotional from the sensory and physical has been a lifelong struggle. That ability has only come with maturity…along with plenty of, shall we say, hands-on learning.
Ninety-six percent of the population doesn’t have my neurochemical constitution, and even for those that do, I would never dream to presume I knew the correct way for others to love and give love. This article was an attempt to complicate an oversimplified understanding of sexuality as portrayed in the media–not to brush over any other woman’s experience.
Anna,
I am so glad you shared here. Great to hear your continued thoughts. I’ll allow others to comment first.
Jonalyn
Anna,
I do appreciate what you were open to share here & in your original article. I think that what you describe is for sure more accurate than the accusation that people are just sleeping around for kicks with “whomever”.
I do have a hard time understanding in this paradigm, how one can think that “giving of themselves” in sex is the ultimate gift, when it is shared with so many. If I were to go give myself to one or more of my guys friends, as a gift to them, I think the gift of intimacy with my husband would feel quite changed, and less valued by me.
I agree that it is a beautiful act of love to give of yourself in vulnerable, physical intimacy. But, that shouldn’t really be called giving a gold star, should it? I am curious more of what you mean by giving the gold star nickname to this idea, but then saying in your point #1 of your comment that it is not really a reward. Are you feeling like you should not have described it that way? The reward idea feels very problematic to me. Do you think you might have a different way to describe it? Do you feel reward is at least partially accurate?
Thanks for the conversation!
what i like about you is you are always brave and willing to put hard things on the table and talk about them. i think it’s so easy to have sex be the shortcut to intimacy and we miss out on so much that comes through all kinds of other forms of connection. looking forward to hanging out with you in april. it’s sad that we have to fly to chicago to do it, ha ha.
Kathy,
Thank you for that lovely compliment. It means a lot as this was a hard post to write.
“Sex as a shortcut to intimacy” is a great line. I would like to hear more about the longer, maybe more scenic, routes to intimacy that you’ve found.
Glad I get to see you in Chicago though more often here would be awesome!
“Sometimes sex is even the easy (lazy) way out.” – I’ve found this to be so true! In a marital sense, even. Sometimes its a way to avoid the hard work.
Also,often virginity is just induced by plain old fear – the church I grew up in certainly did their best to scare the pants off of you. That metaphor so doesn’t work in this context, now that I’ve written it. But, I’m keeping it.
Can’t wait for the great conversation with the “dream team” in April! You’re not kidding, its a fantastic group.
Amy,
Very good point on sex being an easy way out both in and outside of marriage.
Can’t wait for all we will learn in April at Bold Boundaries!
It seems a bit scary commenting here, am I the only man to comment so far? (Jonalyn – I know you don’t intend it to be scary; I’m exaggerating and joking a little. After all I’m here, writing in the comment box!)
You are brave writing the way you did. But for me it sums up why I am so grateful for cross-gender friends in my own life. You, just like my female friends, have expressed something from a womanly point of view, something that I could not have clearly understood without your help. So thank you!
I love the way you make points under the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 star ratings. I’m glad you did not include zero stars (every point of view people express has SOME value even if it’s just that they expressed it).
Your writing is lively and full of energy. Good for you!
(every point of view people express has SOME value even if it’s just that they expressed it)
I don’t know about that. I’d probably give Mein Kampf zero stars.
Gold star sex? It sounds like someone saying “You’ve been a good friend, so now you’ve won access to my vagina!” I’m willing to bet that the guys who accept this “prize” are not as interested in the friendship as they are the sex.
Lol this made me laugh.
Loved the post and the way you used the ratings to demonstrate different perspectives. You gave me a lot to think about. I am certainly not as rigid as I once was (due to what the church taught and me not questioning anything the church taught for a long time) but I don’t know that I could ever get to the point where I thought it was good to have sex with someone as some sort of a reward. I can’t quite articulate it but somehow that seems to diminish me, the person I would have sex with and sex itself. On the other hand, I can’t say that I think sex outside of marriage (if both people are free from an exclusive committed relationship) or casual sex is wrong or damaging within itself. I think what makes casual sex and sex outside of marriage a problem is when those involved have different ideas and expectations relating to what it means to have sex with one another. I do believe that sex involves a unique kind of intimacy that requires us all to at least be thoughtful about having sex – to consider our self and the other person and what it means to each of us to have sex with one another. Does that mean it wouldn’t be “casual”?