It’s been two years since I spoke at Biola University’s Torrey Conference on how “Harry and Sally Are Wrong: Why Christian Cross-Sex Friendships Need to Happen“.  It may seem like old news, but just last week Biola’s newspaper The Chimes published an article entreating Biolans to remember the “Harry and Sally” talk calling it “the most helpful and intelligent session I have attended at a conference, ever.” Opinion editor, Conrad Frommelt, urged his fellow students to move beyond the romance-only scripts and consider friendships with the opposite sex (“Friendship, Not Marriage“). But, for all the encouragement, the “Harry and Sally” talk has also earned me the most grief.

In the last two years, I’ve seen friendships with guy friends fizzle, I’ve watched girlfriends or wives doubt my intentions. I’ve seen my own endurance lag as I’ve grieved the friends I’ve lost and wondered “Is this brother/sister thing Jesus talks about even possible this side of heaven?“

But I’ve also seen new male friends step up to the plate, A in Hawai’i, J in Las Vegas, and J here in Steamboat. These amazing guys who aren’t embarrassed of me, or worried their wives will discover we are close. These friends who initiate connection, who teach me new things about myself, friends who (if they’re married) have wives who personally know, trust and welcome my love. I’ve watched men I’d never expect take the challenge and the ridicule stand up to be my equal in friendship.

Just a few weeks ago, I was having lunch with a guy friend in my small town, the owner of the restaurant came over and, as he knows both of us, started teasing, “Oh, the rumor mill is going to be going over you two.”

My friend, J and I just smiled tolerantly. When he left, I muttered, “THAT is precisely why friendship between men and women is so difficult.”

We do still need to revisit the ideas and the challenge of men befriending women, women befriending men.  I need you, my community online, to be with me in celebrating the possibility of male/female friendship. To take up the challenges that face men and women, I’ve invited Dr. Tim Muehlhoff, communications professor at Biola University and recent co-author of I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult conversation with Truth and Love to delve into the difficulties.

A man and a woman, both speakers, both passionate about Jesus and the kingdom of God, talking about the possibility of men and women being friends. We spent over an hour and a half talking about the dangers and necessity of cross-sex friendship. I wanted to share four short clips from that conversation. Feel free to click on whichever sound interesting to you.

I had heard through the grapevine, that Dr. Muehlhoff wasn’t a fan of my “Harry and Sally” talk, that perhaps he thought me naive or even fool-hardy to hold the view that men and women could be close or best friends. In the opening moments, Tim revealed something that instantly endeared me to him. He hadn’t even watched my talk until right before this conversation.  In this 5 minutes clip, Tim explains what happened.

If reading in email, watch the video here.

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A 3 minute clip where Tim spills that he actually has some very close female friends.

If reading in email, watch the video here.

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For the singles in my audience, here is a 3 minute clip touching on why I deeply appreciate friendship with single males.

If reading in email, watch the video here.

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Finally, Tim challenges me to consider that male/female friendships could be more about fantasizing about a better spouse, while marriage can offer more intimate friendship. I challenge him back.

If reading in email, watch the video here. 

One of the final points that I would have liked to bring up in this last video “Who Knows You?” would have been that I’m tempted to doubt how well we can edit ourselves. We like to think we have that much control. But none of us, Tim Muehlhoff and myself included, are quite as good at hiding our backstage as we think we are.  Even when I’m on stage delivering the Harry and Sally talk, or even during this interview, my real self and Tim’s real self is leaking out. We are often unknowingly sharing our backstage selves in our front stage performances. So even during our best-dressed appearances, people can see through us, and good friends even more so. Our closest friends often know us better and more thoroughly than we might imagine.

To hear more of how Tim and I may agree and disagree you can listen to our entire hour and a half interview at iTunes today. To follow Tim on Twitter, @DRMuehlhoff. Check out Tim’s book I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult conversation with Truth and Love.

Next week, for Thanksgiving, I’ll be sharing my thankfulness for the men I call my friends and why I still see refusing male/female friendships as a weakness.