Ladies: How does your spouse react when you take the lead sexually?
Men tend to not publicly complain about their wives initiating sex. But, in private, they often do. Not every man’s sex drive matches his wife’s. And not every man want sex all the time, if he does something else is most likely going on, something that’s more about what sex symbolizes to him, or his emotional healing.
Being the first to hint that you want sex can be intimidating, just to admit to yourself. Maybe you want to do something new in bed, or wonder how it would change things up if you are first to express interest in his body. But if you’re afraid you’ll get that “deer-in-the-headlights” reaction, or you find him telling you that’s not your role (or worse, you get laughed at!), try Dr. Sellers’ conversational approach. It starts with questions. Asking about someone’s experience is a simple way to kickstart on a scary topic–whether you’re talking eroticism or evangelism (for more on the latter see Coffee Shop Conversations)!
One of Dr. Sellers’ favorite books to help you start your own conversations on sexual desire is The Heart of Desire (linked here through our Soulation Amazon Smile affiliate–we appreciate your support!)
And if you’re not afraid to initiate sex, steamy conversations, or new experiences, good for you (and your spouse)! In the comments, would you share with us what gave you that kind of courage?
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Many of my readers (like myself) came from complementarian backgrounds (where men and women are supposed to live within God-given different roles) but now identify as egalitarians or feminists (where men and women divide roles based on gifts, not gender). If you’ve had experience in either background, do you find either complementarians or egalitarians more or less comfortable with women initiating sex? In my experience it seems that complementarians want women to follow in every area except this one (Mark Driscoll’s marriage book comes to mind here). What have you found? Do you think a woman who can lead in making love is intimidating or admirable? (Questions are for men and women).
And I’m curious to hear from male readers–do you ever find it intimidating to initiate sex? Do you feel more pressure to initiate? Are you ever surprised when you hear about or experience a woman being the sexual leader?
For more on curiosity and coming home to your sexuality, watch earlier segments from our interview:
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Click here for duty sex.
What’s this summer series all about?
This summer, I’ll be sharing short videos taken from my two hour Emerald City interview on “Shame, Intimacy and Sex Ed” with Christian sex therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers. You’ve already seen her at RubySlippers’ posts and interviews. See part one.
Because of Dr. Sellers practical concern that Christians understand that God created erotic desires, Tina is one of the best sources I’ve found in helping me navigate the pillow talk between me and my husband.
Dr. Sellers is a wife, mother, professor, founder of ThankGodForSex.org, certified sex therapist, and licensed family and marriage therapist. Those last two are a dynamic duo of credentials that are rarely seen together. And the lack of professionals who practice both family/marriage and sex therapies is a big problem for those of us who want thriving marriages and thriving sex lives. Thank God for Tina! I particularly love the way she lives a sexual intimacy that she teaches (My Love List for My Husband . . . And Why Gratefulness is Good for the Heart). Follow her blog and thoughts @TinaSSellers.