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Is Patriarchy More Beautiful than Egalitarianism?
May 30th, 2012 by Jonalyn
Lead and follow. It’s beautiful. It’s got all that history behind it, it’s THE way the sexes move, on the dance floor, in marriage, in life.
Right?
Why would I want to be an egalitarian where the woman leads as much as a man? Have you ever seen a woman lead a man in the waltz? Not a pretty sight.
Has complementarianism (a euphemism for patriarchy) got the corner on beauty? Would the marriages in our world be more beautiful if more men lead and more women follow?
It works in dancing, so why wouldn’t it work in marriage and the church?
Reason #1- Dancing and Life
I’m a lover of romance, dancing and fairy tales, so the dancing metaphor has always captivated me. But it fails in one key way. Dancing the waltz is not a picture of life.
A male dancer (that sounds way more scandalous than I mean it) knows the steps his partner will be taking, he gently guides her to back-up into the next move by gentle pressure on her hand or waist. The faithful female follows his lead effortlessly and you get a lovely show. Three cheers!
In marriage and in life, no male knows enough to lead a female through all the steps.
Period.
If a man thought he could lead a woman in life like he leads a woman on the dance floor no matter how humble and loving he is, I’m afeard he’s bound toward . . .
- Narcissism or delusion, like Drew (Jon Hamm) who thinks he can master any situation despite Liz Lemon’s arguments that he’s a novice. What man could know about all life situations enough to make the final call on his wife’s spiritual growth? (I know what Complementarians will say: “THAT’S why men rely on God.” To which I respond, “Why isn’t the woman permitted to rely on God and make final decisions as well? Isn’t this what it means to be a fellow heir of grace?” 1 Peter 3:7).
- Blind faith (which I cannot find in Scripture) that God has promised to give males more knowledge than females. Proof text THAT.
- Anxiety about when the charade would be up. When will they figure out I really don’t know what I’m doing?
- Isolation because a man can’t let his guard down about not knowing the lead steps without looking foolish. And thereby not a good leader.
If a husband, as complimentarians explain, listens, considers and lovingly consults his wife and then chooses the best Plan B for his family I still say this is less beautiful
than
A husband, as egalitarians explain, listens, considers and lovingly consults his wife and then together they choose the best Plan B for their family.
Photo credit: birdnest.org
Reason #2 – Rubber Stamp or Rowing
In every marriage, complementarians argue, someone will have to have the tie-breaking vote. Complementarian marriages finesse this dictatorial sounding relationship, maintaining the benevolence of the dictator by reducing his tie-breaking vote to 51% (see Emerson and Sharon Eggerich’s book Love and Respect).
But in terms of beauty, what is more attractive, a man taking responsibility for every final decision (lovingly, considerately, sacrificially)
or
A man and woman feeling free to raise any area of tension with knowledge that no one possesses the rubber stamp to veto funds or emotional support for any outcome?
What is more attractive, a husband who bears the responsibility before God for the growth of his wife’s spirituality
or
A husband and wife who bear responsibility before God for their own soul’s growth?
What is more attractive, a husband who bears both oars to row his lovely maiden across the lake
Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rabi/231379529/
or
A husband who can re-direct his energy toward his own gifts, and row with all he has knowing his wife has picked up the oar beside him and can keep pace with his energy, his will and his direction?
Whether you call submission loving respect or adaptation, Ephesians 5:22 means nothing without the verb borrowed from Ephesians 5:21, the all important verb “submit of oneself.”
“Submit yourself one to another.” Ephesians 5:21
“Wives to your husbands.” Ephesians 5:22 (see NASB for italicized added words in English).
Whatever wives need to do to husbands in verse 22, the husbands and wives are already practicing in verse 21.
Submission is not a Biblical command only made to women or wives.
Photo credit: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/ss/slideshow-secrets-guys-wish-you-knew
What is more beautiful, a wife who knows the final vote always goes to the largest shareholder?
or
A wife who can initiate and persuade, advocate and protect without fearing she is leaving her God-ordained role?
What is more beautiful, a husband who wonders about the mysterious ways of his wife, while his wife knows she is the neck turning the head
or
A husband who trust his wife to never deal with passive aggression or emotional manipulation (both everlasting tools of the disempowered) because she never need hide her desire to control and guide.
I leave you with one final fantasy.
Have you ever seen a woman of power and intelligence lead a man to bed? (watch Cate Blanchet in Elizabeth for an example)
Have you ever seen a man of power and intelligence lead a woman to bed? (watch Julian Sands in Room with a View for an example)
I’m an advocate for both.
p.s. Of course I also believe egalitarianism is supported by sound reason, scripture and the God of Israel, the creation mandate, Jesus, Paul, et al. But isn’t it nice to know egalitarinaism is beautiful, too?
Tags: beauty, egalitarianism, feminin/masculin-ity, Gender Studies
Posted in beauty | Comments (24)
Why I Do and Don’t Practice Zen
May 23rd, 2012 by Jonalyn
I saw the painter at our (nearly finished!) house before he saw me. His hat read “Bikes not Bombs.”
I complimented his work and he talked about how painting was like baking bread, his previous job.
“It is so easy, it’s hard,” he said. I made an unusual step for a Christian apologist and said,
“But you’re finding your Zen, right?” He looked up appreciatively.
“Exactly.”
Zen Mantras
Zen is a practice of being present always, noticing everything.
Not a bad mantra. Sort of reminds me of Jesus command “Don’t worry about tomorrow, today is enough to worry about” (Matt 6).
Zen Buddhism heavily draws from the ancient Chinese philosophy of Daoism or Taoism. In Cha Dao: The Art of Tea, Tea as Way of Life by Solala Towler I learned that Daoism is “a way of living in the world–being intensely engaged with life yet not being attached to the outcome of any endeavor. People who follow Dao have chosen to develop naturally rather than be programmed by anyone or any group.”
Not a bad mantra either.
In today’s spiritual climate I can see why the most attractive aspect of Zen is the “non-reliance on scripture.” Zen is doing the thing, not studying ancient texts or adhering to a creed (For a practical example read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance).
Zen Awanas would never make it.
Zen is about being in the present, welcoming the distractions because it’s far better to meditate in activity than to meditate in stillness. Zen reminds me of Father Lawrence worshipping God through scrubbing the pots and pans.
And yet, I cannot be totally Zen about Zen.
For instance, take these Daoist/Zen mantras:
- Let things take their course (How to blend this with fighting for justice? Micah 6:8)
- To yield is to become whole (or to yield is to become a victim of abuse)
- Give deep reverence and fierce attention to the moment at hand (Where does this put the future-oriented virtue of hope?)
- Find the path of least resistance (How to blend this with “Take up your cross and follow me”?)
Every religion has good mantras, even “boutique spiritualists” have their mantas (read more about designer spirituality in Chapter 1 of my book, Coffee Shop Conversations).
A few secular mantras I love “Always kiss me goodnight,” and “Live well, love much, laugh often.”
Such good ideas.
But about as helpful as a placard that says, “Get a million dollars.” Also a good idea, but a little more clearly unhelpful.
Because we don’t know how or we would get a million dollars.
We humans all want the same things, but we all find it’s harder than the mantras make it look.
How do you have the stamina to want to kiss the man you married every cotton-picking night?
How do you love much when you feel the day is best spent in bed with chocolates and 30 Rock reruns?
Daoism teaches us to find beauty in our world of woe and worry, rather than push beyond it as illusion (as Buddhists teach).
Lots of good ideas here, but where do you get the energy to follow all these mantras.
Daoists recommend meditating on nature. But what if you can’t even get out of bed?
I Don’t Get It
Each religion has recommendations for making life better and suggestions of how to get there. Meditation, wisdom, comparisons to water or grass appear in both Laozi (or Lao Tzu, author of the Daoist text Tao Te Ching) and Jesus’ words.
But how do you make good on all these maxims?
Remember Jesus’ last words, “I’m with you all the time, even when this world has frosted over and you have to ski to hell.” Okay that’s my paraphrase of Matthew 28.
Laozi cannot be personally present with me nor can Buddha. Allah must remain transcendent from his worshippers. Followers of Baha’i do not worship Jesus of Nazareth as any more Godlike than Moses or Mohammad.
Jesus said we cannot enter the kingdom of God unless he bears us into spiritual life (John 3). That’s more than good, wise mantra talk. Jesus is fully invested in the moments of our lives, he’s not dead, he’s not pre-occupied with managing the rest of world history or enjoying nirvana. Jesus is not “Embracing the One” which leaves him free
to be
at our elbow.
Jesus isn’t in us like as our Buddha self. Jesus is distinct as the second person in the Trinity, but he’s as near as our earlobes. His work in us is as engaged as a painter running the fourth coat of porcelain white on my bookshelves.
That’s intimate.
That’s Zen involvement in us.
That’s the part of Zen that makes the most sense to me.
Instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you.
I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.
Jesus, Matthew 28:19-20, The Message
And for a sneak peak, our home is nearly finished. A few pictures for you to savor the anticipation with me.
My son offered several on site inspections
Inspecting his first bathtub, our excellent contractor, Tarn, on left.
Helping Mr. Nick with his cubby crawl space
Before the white stucco makes the tudor trim pop
The stucco began this week
Knock, knock
Tags: apologetics, spiritual growth
Posted in apologetics | Comments (14)
Hearing from God: placebo or reality?
May 16th, 2012 by Jonalyn
Sanford anthropologist, Tanya Luhrmann, author of When God Talks Back, explained in a recent Christianity Today article “Why Women Hear from God more than Men Do.”
Why?
First, women pray more. According to the 2008 Pew and Religious Landscape surgery 2/3 of women pray daily compared to less than 1/2 of men.
Combing frequency this frequency with one major skill: women are more comfortable using their imaginations. Imagination is a vital soul muscle for connecting with any immaterial substance be it Harry Potter, your desire for a long-term marriage, your love of good ideas, the number seven (you cannot touch the number seven, only it’s symbol in perhaps a sponge letter in your son’s bathtub set) and, of course, God.
I can already hear the atheist’s response. So women are better at making things up and pretending their real? Great, just great.
At patheos blog “Love, Joy, Feminism” atheist Libby Anne writes about “The Psychology of God” and suggests that “hearing from God” is something Christians train themselves to do. And since you can also train yourself to hear a unicorn speak to you, why would this be evidence for God?
Wishful thinking, enough scripture, enough imagination and you will “hear” from God, too. Would you like some Kool-aid with that?
Interestingly enough, Libby Anne’s post was based on Tanya Luhrmann’s research, the same author of the Christianity Today post quoted above.
Same data, differential conclusions. Time to go to the source.
At Stanford’s University site, Luhrmann’s works is featured in an article titled, “How Does God Become Real to People?” where I found “Luhrmann said her research does not intend to prove or disprove the existence of God.”
Luhrmann believes listening to Scripture and training your spirit to detect God’s voice is a form of cultivation. It reminds me of the cultivated skill of listening for my husband’s quieter voice in a large group.
The training doesn’t prove I’m making him up. It does mean, however, that not everyone can hear his voice.
Since ninety-five percent of Americans believe in God, I want to leave the argument that hearing from God is make-believe (since it’s a minority view–ask me more in comments if you’re interested) and turn to the issue of experiencing God.
In Rachel Held Evan’s interview with Ask a Pagan, I found Jason Mankey‘s response indicative of many Americans.
As a spiritual person, I’m looking to connect with deity. I very rarely felt connected to deity sitting in a pew listening to someone talk about God. I wanted to experience God. I practice Wicca (one of several Modern Paganisms), and Wicca’s ritual framework allows me to have that experience with deity that I often felt was missing as a Christian. There’s not a series of complicated rules separating me from the divine; it’s right there waiting for me anytime I want to experience it. I felt complete and whole the first time I prayed to The Goddess.
I can see how The Goddess felt more intimate (more in Ruby Slippers’ chapter “Finding the Feminine in the Sacred”).
I can also understand how connection with God is vital to a spiritual life.
Luhrmann explains, “I actually think there’s good evidence that having this kind of intimate relationship with God is good for you.”
I’m inclined to agree.
God talked with his people throughout Scripture (Gen. 12:1-3, Gen. 16:8, Act 9:10-16), I believe he can do the same even now.
How to Have Conversations With God
I haven’t always conversed with God. I used to just give God my laundry list.
Heal, help, save, restore, and I praise you for x,y,z. Amen.
A few years ago I began taking walks, Frank Laubach style, with God.
Laubach, a missionary to the Philippines learned to practice talking to God and then using his own voice to repeat what he thought God was saying in response. He explains,
I have just returned from a walk alone, a walk so wonderful that I feel like reducing it to a universal rule, that all people ought to take a walk every evening all alone where they can talk aloud without being heard by anyone, and that during this entire walk they all ought to talk with God, allowing Him to use their tongue to talk back–and letting God do most of the talking (Letters by a Modern Mystic, 41).
Laubach let God do the talking with his tongue. Does it sound freaky?
It’s not possession.
It’s not losing consciousness.
It’s simply trying to hear God as best we can.
You listen by talking.
The things you might hear are not prophecy on par with the inspired Word of God, rather what you get is an experience of
- asking God into your life, to contact you where you are and
- hearing something tangible to analyze and compare with Scripture.
But isn’t this mysticism and sort of weird? you might ask.
Yes, it is weird, I’ll admit, if by weird you mean uncommon.
And yes, it is mysticism if you mean . . .
read the rest at Positively Human where I blog with other Soulation writers on apologetics and spiritual formation.
p.s. It’s worth clicking over, if just for the comments.
Tags: apologetics, spiritual growth
Posted in apologetics | Comments (22)
How to be Mom Enough
May 11th, 2012 by Jonalyn
A mother gives a child her place in this world.
Photo credit: Kel Elwood
We are all walking tableaus of how we were raised. Even the woman on the cover of Time’s most recent desperate cover (desperate in media stunt to usher women into a more mommy war), she tells us about her mother.
What? well you’d have to get a momma who breastfeeds her three year old. You’d have to know her to find out. But I bet you’ll be blessed with insight rather than judgment if you take time to listen to her instead of measuring her up by mere appearances (a picture can say so much and still say so little).
My son surprises me with his differences as much as his similarities to me. He wants to paint when I watercolor, he wants to swim when I swim, he wants to cook when it’s dinner time.
He can also throw rocks at my head with the best of them. He loves Jeeping and watching bugs very closely, he wants to lay on the corgis’ heads, and he always has time to cuddle (all not me).
A perpetual cheerleader and participant, an easy kudos gallery for me to get more identity-making goodies than any mother would like to admit. My son is not my cookie jar, but he tells the world how I make cookies.
Jackie Kennedy once said “If you don’t do a good job of raising your children, it doesn’t really matter what else you do well.” C.G. Jung also wrote, ”Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their children than the unlived life of a parent.” Two statements, two books leaning against each other.
The best gift my son could give me, on Mother’s Day, will be a smile over the life I treasure in addition to his.
Photo credit: Kel Elwood
I want my son to thank me for having my own life.
I want him to honor the time I spend away from him in the cultivation of my gifts and my soul as much as he values the time I spend teaching him to speak Spanish. Motherhood is vital, but it is not the most difficult job in my life. Motherhood is precious, but it is not my anchor for purpose. Motherhood is deliciously satisfying, but it is not the most important thing I do each day.
The most important thing I do each day is listening to the Spirit of God and let this Wind of heaven teach me what I must do right now. This is the legacy I want my son to have, listening like Legolas with his elfin ear to the ground, waiting for the one thing needful right now.
Mothers reflect the God of Israel in more than their mothering. God who mothers us also takes care of other things: averting craters from hitting our blue globe, food for the Leviathan, textiles for the trees, water management to avoid another world wide flood, inspiration for the stars of heaven and their symphonies (Job 41).
Management of many things: the work of God and many mothers.
And we can’t do it all, which is why we rest, as God rested (Gen 2:1-3). We do mothering in our unique way, reflecting God’s creativity in his created beings. For instance, we cease nursing our babies before others do, or we breastfeed longer than others, we teach our babies to sleep earlier or we bring them to bed with us, we have little schedule, but lots of routine, we teach them to eat solids at 4 months or at one year. We do mothering as the Spirit leads us.
And in all we do, we are giving our children a place in this world. We teach them to listen to the Spirit in their spirits, to walk into new ways where we didn’t walk.
And in the end all they really want, is what we all want: to be called by the name our mothers used when they weren’t ticked off at us.
If we can call our children by this name, we have done enough.
Photo credit: Tierney Gearon
“The purest definition of mother love. For all the pain, for all the suffering, for all the disagreements between the generations, a mother gives her child her place in the world, as a daughter and as a future wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, and friend.”
Peony in Love
Tags: feminism, motherhood
Posted in Christian feminism, motherhood | Comments (12)
What’s Wrong with S&M?
May 9th, 2012 by Jonalyn
I’ve listened with inner surprise as friends explained their preferences in bed.
You really do that? I want to say. We all have the capacity to surprise each other with what we do in private.
I’m not a sex therapist. I’m not a counselor.
But, as a philosopher I have some ideas. And with a bit of trepidation, I’m going to share them on the question on BDSM.
Photo credit: http://www.handcuffs.org/
BDSM is an acronym for bondage and discipline (BD), sadism and masochism (SM).The goal of BDSM relationships is to take on complementary but unequal roles (role-play like master/slave, pirate/captive, Nazi/Jew) in order to create a dominant/submissive situation. Men and women who practice BDSM often get kicks from pain and humiliation (both receiving and inflicting).
I had to rely on wikipedia for that. I have no experience with BDSM. And I realize reading E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Gray makes me no expert.
I’ve already weighed in on the novel, for this post I want to zero in on the whips and punishment question.
Issue #1 – Masking Knowledge
Role-playing, as Phyllis from The Office says (yes, I’m quoting a fictional character for this one), can be “really fun.” We all have good, silly, and ultimately hot, God-given fantasies we ought to explore a bit more (in the playfulness and fun of our marriage). We also have fantasies that require corseting a person into a role that doesn’t fit them.
Which to choose?
Dominants (Dom) and Submissives (Sub) know all about role-playing. Their relationship depends on tipping the power ratio within love-making. As a believer in the essential equality of men and women I want to ask: How does playing at subjugation rather than equality in bed affect life beyond the bedroom?
In the recent bestseller, Fifty Shades of Gray, Ana doesn’t want to become a Sub because it means giving up her freedom to touch Christian when she wants, to sleep with him each night, to know him beyond his role as a Dom.
I think Ana’s reticence is spot-on.
Love-making, intimacy, fantasies are for the ultimate end of knowledge.
Role-playing comes at a pretty high cost. If a husband always wants to play pirate to his wife’s captive role, the wife only learns one slice of who he is in love-making. She doesn’t get to see him vulnerable.
Finally, a wife or husband may assume a role that might actually clash with who they are. I remember a story of a young woman who decided to play a genie during her honeymoon. Her husband was both baffled and seriously entertained. I don’t mean sexually. He was doubled over laughing because the costume masked who she was and replaced her with a laughable charade.
Role-play requires a suspension of knowledge about the other person. Masks… doesn’t that belong more in the espionage and superhero realm than in love-making?
Problem #2 – Re-enacting Punishment
In one of the sadder moments in Don Draper’s life (AMC’s drama Mad Men) he invites a prostitute to his home. As she begins her work, he demands she slap him across the face.
Don Draper
“Again,” he yells.
She backhands him again. Slap, slap, slap.
Draper looks relieved.
Does he thinks he deserves it? Followers of Mad Men know Draper’s self-loathing goes back decades. Don Draper isn’t even his real name.
BDSM bothers me because it offers a sexually arousing practice that re-enacts punishment. Hugo Schwyzer explains that BDSM offers some abused people “recovery through ritualized acts of domination and submission.” (which is also Christian’s explanation of his past initiation into BDSM in Fifty Shades). To read more about BDSM as recovery (viewer discretion advised) see Not Your Usual BDSM and Abuse Story.
I do not believe some people (the ones that get knocked around more often than not) are hard-wired as Submissives. Nor do I think a Dom’s commands to stop drinking or get a job is the best way to develop a sense of identity. The Sub is still playing a role.
Further, I believe arousal at someone else’s pain indicates something about pain in that person’s life. If Sue gets turned on by hurting her friends, even if her friends want to be hurt, we call this a problem. Even if it’s between two consenting adults.
If Sue gets turned on by hurting her husband, even if he wants it, we can also call this a problem. Even if it’s between consenting adults.
As someone who has experienced people in authority taking liberties over me that I did not grant, the power of BDSM to both unleash and arouse feels (in my untried and unprofessional opinion) like dousing fire with kerosene and then claiming control over the flames. As I’ve written previously (Sex, Food and Fifty Shades of Gray) just because something makes you feel powerful or turned on does not mean it is a power for good in your life.
Using pain, even willing pain (the BDSM code of ethics SCC—I know, more acronyms—means Safe, Sane and Consensual), to recover from worse memories says more about how bad life used to be. It doesn’t give BDSM a ringing endorsement.
Problem #3 – #FirstWorldProblem
BDSM often entails elaborate costumes, equipment and preparation. Like the twitter trend #FirstWorldProblem (e.g. Freaking out because you lost your Ray-bans) BDSM seems to be a first world problem.
When you’re working to keep your children fed and away from prostitution in order to feed your family, BDSM appears as a final ditch aphrodisiac for bored, but wealthy married couples. For some non-BDSM ideas of re-igniting your sex life please see my post Sex, Food and Fifty Shades of Gray.
I Can Imagine
Perhaps there are wives and husbands who can make love untinged by any sexual or emotional abuse, couples who role-play fantasies of authenticity. Perhaps they walk BDSM’s razor edge between pleasure and pain to successfully arouse each other without re-enacting or committing abuse.
I can imagine it, but I have yet to meet them.
Tags: abuse, feminin/masculin-ity, pain, sex
Posted in Fifty Shades of Gray, gender roles, love, pain, sex, vulnerability | Comments (82)
Sex, Food and Fifty Shades of Gray
May 2nd, 2012 by Jonalyn
A man walks past your office, he’s eating a sandwich that smells like heaven. You notice it’s past lunch. You want your own. You don’t steal this man’s sandwich, instead you go out looking for your own. You eat. You are satisfied.
Photo credit: Kel Elwood
A hot man walks past your office. You notice him and you notice your own desire. Not for him, but for your husband. You recognize the rhythm, it’s time. After work (or lunch break?) you go home. You make love. You are satisfied.
But what if this man is a co-worker. What if he greets you regularly and you start to notice that he has become the fire behind your love making with your husband? Is this good?
It all depends.
Appetite
Our appetite for sex, like our appetite for food, reveals how similar and different we are from each other.
When eating, we each prefer different portions, different times, different table manners. We all have unique cravings.
We each have different triggers of our sexual appetite, different amounts of sex we want, different ways we want to do it. We all have things (a scent, a song, a photo) unrelated to sex that turn us on.
Despite our different appetites, we all have lines we don’t want to cross. We all know some sex, like some food, is not good for us.
Sexually Hungry
With E.L. James Fifty Shades Trilogy topping the New York Times’ bestseller list it’s rather obvious to me that women are sexually hungry. If you haven’t had good sex in years, you will do a happy swan dive into Fifty Shades of Gray. Thirty to fifty-year-old women are recommending the series as the jump start to mommy libido.
photo credit: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/10/business/media/an-erotic-novel-50-shades-of-grey-goes-viral-with-women.html
The male lead, Christian Grey, is reminiscent of Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre). Despite the more than adequate proof that Grey is good in bed, I found myself uninterested in finishing the book. Grey’s fetish for sadomasochism, while erotic, is also troubling. Punishment turns him on in a way reminiscent of sexual and physical abusers. Even the compassionate female protagonist, Anastasia Steel reaches her limit and (spoiler alert) leaves at the end of the first book.
Still it’s easy to relate to Ana and her hope to save Grey from his darker side. I could relate to her fixer-upper hopes and yet, Fifty Shades of Gray felt both boring, a somewhat predictable S-and-M Cinderella story.
So why are so many women intrigued?
Christian cares about knowing Ana. If the man you’re with no longer wants to know you, Christian Grey is a very handsome substitute.
Whenever a man studies you to bring out your pleasure, from the herbal tea to the music to the brown leather whip . . . do you really care what he’s doing, so long as you tumble into another orgasm?
Sexual boredom can make S-and-M look like a fairyland. How?
Nothing feels so good (to woman or man) as intentional service for your pleasure. But Christian Gray isn’t serving me, he’s serving Anastasia Steele.
E. L. James Photo credit: Michael Lionstar
What Makes Sex Good?
Most marriages are like a hot bath. They’re great when you first get in, but after awhile they’re not so hot anymore (The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What it Really Takes to Stay Married).
The key ingredient to keeping marriage hot is desire.
Fifty Shades of Gray works, for some, because Gray was written as desirable. E. L. James explained on The Today Show “I put all my fantasies, out there.” You read enough sex scenes, you imagine that being done to your body and you put the book down and go hunting for your husband. No wonder husbands love the book.
So what can be wrong with a book that’s helping couples do it?
It all depends. Once you’ve found your husband, who are you really making love to? Him or Gray?
It turns out you cannot judge your sex life simply by how easily or how often you get turned on. You gauge your sex life by how much you desire your spouse.
The goal is to be turned on by the person you have married. To cultivate a taste for him.
Sex and Knowledge
As followers of the God of Israel, we want more than tittilation in bed. We want what Adam had with Eve.
We want knowledge, vulnerability, safety . . . and sex. ”And Adam knew his wife” (Gen. 4:1).
Good sex is about wanting and feeling known. Even Ana craves that with Christian Gray “Do I know Christian intimately? I know him sexually, I figure there’s a lot more to discover.”
I have little doubt the next two books will find Ana discovering. But if the first book is any indication it will be through co-dependently offering her body for more beatings so she can unlock Christian’s fear of being known. Then, they’ll live happily ever after.
Personally, if I need a jumpstart to my desire I’ll read Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man or Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Relationships. Or I’ll recall how the man I married makes love to me.
He knows me better than Christian Gray.
Fifty Shades of Gray is easy arousal because it doesn’t ask anything. You simply consume.
But I want my sexual cravings met with the real thing.
A husband with his body and soul in my bed.
Tags: abuse, food, reviews, sex
Posted in Fifty Shades of Gray, sex, vulnerability | Comments (27)
What can I do about Sex Slavery?
April 25th, 2012 by Jonalyn
We don’t like to think of ourselves as a country where sex slaves live behind walls in our town.
Much less appealing is the idea that we’re accomplices in the sexual slavery in the United States.
Since it’s National Child Abuse Prevention Month (between 500 million and 1.5 billion children are estimated to experience violence annually), since our local paper recently covered a sex assault charge perpetrated by a Christian school teacher and pastor (yes, even in our small “safe” town of Steamboat Springs) it is time to uncover what we can do to prevent sexual abuse.
We can all make major changes. If you don’t care for the reasons, you can skip to my nine steps at the end.
I read God in a Brothel: An Undercover Journey into Sex Trafficking and Rescue by Daniel Walker who worked four years as a undercover emancipator.
I learned.
Sexual slavery isn’t just a Thailand thing.
Jane is from Kansas, her mother was a prostitute and drug addict. When Jane was six years old her mother’s pimp began molesting her and her sister. Jane was raped by her mum’s pimp when she was seven. At thirteen he began selling her on the streets. At 13, she saw the huge demand for her services, regular customers paid $600-$700 a session for sex. Jane used the money to pay for rent and care for her younger sister. When Jane’s younger sister was eight, Jane’s mother sold her to another pimp to fund her drug habit. Jane was fourteen at the time. She ran way to Phoenix and began work as a stripper. She got pregnant and continued working the street her entire pregnancy.
Paraphrased from Daniel Walker’s God in a Brothel (IVP, 2011).
Is Jane a sex slave? Maybe not technically. But I’ve met girls who’ve faced lives like this. They’ve been invited by a friend to the camp where I’m speaking. They come to speak to me from the shadows and weep until they are exhausted. Often they don’t know what to do, they’re in the foster system, or they’re corseted in a religiously abusive situation where they cannot breath a word about what they’ve experienced.
Consider Jeni who traveled to the United States from Seoul after being offered a well-paying sales job. She arrived in the land of the free to discover the sale was of her body and her employers were sophisticated criminals. Jeni was shuttled between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. She began work at 10 am and worked until no more willing customers wanted her body. She had no freedom of movement, she couldn’t even go on a date without requesting permission from her “employers.”
Paraphrased from Daniel Walker’s God in a Brothel (IVP, 2011).
Interview with Daniel Walker
Last week, I won a drawing to participate in a conference call to ask Daniel Walker some questions.
After a celebration jig, I prepared this question: What can Christians do practically in our churches to prevent sex trade in the USA?
What follows is my attempt to re-create Daniel Walker’s answer.
I don’t look to those who hold the keys of power in the state to change sex slavery. Never have governments said so much and done so little.
Suffragettes chaining themselves to 10 Downing Street, London" Photo credit: lebrecht.mediastorehouse.com/low.php?xp=media&xm=940491
Sunday School teachers, mothers, fathers, youth workers, Teach the story of Moses. Egypt is not simply a metaphor for God saving his people from sin, it’s a story of the God of Israel fighting against slavery. Teach your children to stand up against injustice in the smallest forms.
Teach your youth to recognize evil. (Hunger Games is a great place to start)
They don’t have to fear the world, God gave them courage to step up for justice, to notice the smeared, the bullied and stand in the gap. Standing up against a bully is as much a part of discipleship as anything else.
Women’s groups in the United Kingdom chained themselves to the city halls to demand the vote. Why aren’t women’s groups doing something?
(My heart beat faster when I heard this. Women did do amazing things to get the vote. Women created an embarrassing ruckus and used their bodies and dignity to go on hunger strikes, to get attention and secure the right to vote to themselves. Why aren’t we doing more for our sisters? for children in this country?)
Men’s groups need to do more than go on wild adventures into the woods.
The United States has a history where groups in your church (Walker is a resident of New Zealand) established the Underground Railroad to rescue slaves. You didn’t wait for your government to save them. The people of the churches organized a movement.
My pen was smoking by the time he finished.
So what can you and I do about sex slavery?
- Let’s start simple: lead a book club on Daniel Walker’s God in a Brothel. Use the discussion guide.
- Teach the story of the God of Israel rescuing the slaves of Egypt. Yes, use Moses on a flannel graph. Share how God cares about injustice, redemption and rescue and wants us to fight for hope with his help.
- Help the men in your life face their own objectification of young women. Why did thirteen year old Jane attract so many adult customers wanting sex? Why are men sexually drawn to younger women/girls? The allure of girls for sexual partners is an idea grown from child pornography and media pressure that girls are sexually more appealing than women. Men are taught to believe this. Hugo Schwyzer offers an appropriate critic on men who prefer girls to women “Can a Man Change his Sexual Attraction to Teens?“. Read Schwyzer’s diagnosis, then consider inviting the men you love into a safe conversation about how media shapes their own desires for younger women. Refuse to berate, express shock or disgust as they share. Douse their shame with compassion. For men to be fully human they must be safe to be vulnerable.
- Think carefully about vacation trips (are you on Spring Break, think about it now) to any major metropolitan center (e.g. Los Angeles, Atlanta, New York, Las Vegas, etc). I’m not saying don’t go. Instead, consider how your presence can be part of breaking the cycle of poverty and greed that fuels the Adult Entertainment industry. Consider how you can vacation AND partner with a national organization like Treasures who shows you how to adopt a strip club and change lives. Or accompany JC’s Girls in Las Vegas to offer another story. Don’t visit big cities without considering how you’re part of the solution to sex slavery.
- Give money specifically to end sex slavery. Consider Compassion International, Hagar International or NVader, Walker’s organization created to educate local law enforcement on stopping sex slavery in their own backyards. Or if you’re interested in casualty prevention, give to Soulation where we offer counseling, one-on-one chatting, regular resources and safe places to ask questions about identity, sexuality and God.
- Invite someone who is not in your socio-economic circles into your home. This summer we’re inviting a young woman who is facing her parent’s divorce and struggling to make ends meet to be our intern in White Woods. We’re offering her a place to stay and she is watching our son. We need her help, she needs our family.
- Offer yourself as a mentor to one high school student (talk with the youth pastor or counselor at your local church or school) invite yourself into their life by buying a meal and LISTENING. Give them your cell, learn to text better and let them educate you on their life. Discover how difficult it is today to be a young man or woman who wants truth, dignity and love. Battle alongside them.
- Ask God to bring one person into your life that needs help to escape the cycle of poverty. Read Shane Claiborne’s The Irresistible Revolution in preparation. This month our family has invited a young woman who’s lost her mother to alcoholism and is fighting to keep herself afloat to help us with childcare needs. She’s bright and about to head off to college, but she is not from the “typical” babysitter pool. She is helping us, we are helping her.
- Talk to your spouse about what makes women valuable. Of course, I recommend you read Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home and begin a small group to discuss further. I think what we think about the value of women in our churches and homes dictates the kind of men and women we raise, the kind of courage they will have when they face abuse of any kind. How will your children respond when they meet a stripper, will they see them as a object, a project, or do they see a image-bearer? If this makes you surprised you need to download a free copy (yes free THIS WEEK!) of Coffee Shop Conversations: Making the Most of Spiritual Small Talk. Go, right now. Stop reading this already and get a copy of the way to have conversations with people different from you and STILL talk about the God you love.
- Any more ideas?
p.s. I did not receive God in a Brothel for free, nor was I contacted to endorse Walker’s book.
p.p.s. Next week, writing on Sexual Pleasure, Pain and Fifty Shades of Grey.
Tags: abuse, body, feminin/masculin-ity, feminism, pain, prejudice, sex, spiritual growth
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